scrappin', yellin' & mixin' it up
words from 111 archer avenue.
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i always wanted to be a tenenbaum
you, know?
i am a twenty-three year old darling girl.
i am not married, i have no children, and i didn't graduate from college. but..
i draw birds and robots; i read books; i laugh till i cry; i love until my heart bursts; i sometimes paint my face or arms with stripes if i'm bored; i create; i play guitar. i am not impressive, but i am me.
i am addicted to Jesus Christ. He never stops loving, never stops giving, and there is always more of Him. He is the perfect addiction. no one else can satisfy.
These are all just mostly vague details. If you want me, come find me. But, I promise, at the very least, you'll think I'm nice.
things i like
(and i like a lot of things).
museums.// theme parks.// zoos.// aquariums.// road trips.// naps.// reading, and lots of reading. especially in unconventional places.// being silly.// going to goodwill to find hidden treasures.// traveling.// new things.// vintage things. record players, records, old cameras, old radios, vintage clothes, etc.// learning new things.// exploring new places.// building forts out of pillows and/or blankets.// getting mail.// finding new ways to stay organized.// old books that smell like yummy old books.// the smell of colored pencils, and crayons.// the internet, for without it, i might not have some very great friends that i love so dearly.// squirrels.// musicals.// live plays.// daisies, and trees.// thai food.// laughing.// socks.// people you meet that are so amazing they make you strive for greatness, not in competition, but just out of the pure fact that you've seen potential, and was found to be wasting yours.// living a simple life.// holding hands.// the rare moments in life where i don't feel self conscious.// watching home videos.// hideabeds.// thrift stores the size of target.// target for that matter.// poking people in the nose and saying "beep" at the same time.// candles and lanterns and kerosene lamps.// cupcakes.// showers, washing my hands, and brushing my teeth.// sitting on rooftops.// the feel of new shirts.// warm, summer nights.// making things for people.// old shoes from friends.// macaroni and cheese.// having great times of talk with God.// organic, antibiotic-free, preservative-free, artificial flavoring/color-free, no refined sugar or grain food. (just the way God intended.)// love.
things i listen to
currently:
death cab for cutie. feist. animal collective. modest mouse. owen. iron & wine. mother mother. eisley. her space holiday. school of seven bells. dear and the headlights. the weepies. arcade fire. the format.
and when my heart needs to beat
t-pain. rhianna. jay-z. kanye west. flo-rida. ne-yo. justin timberlake. (all hopefully edited.)
things i watch
when life slows for a moment.
the office. my boys. saturday night live. arrested development.
cinema light
that makes my heart glow
the royal tenenbaums. dedication. juno. stranger than fiction. hook. eternal sunshine. garden state. empire of the sun. caddyshack. ghostbusters. jurassic park. closer. iron giant. turner & hooch. an affair to remember. eagle vs. shark. lars and the real girl. pineapple express. the life aquatic. (500) days of summer. the hangover. up. and in all honesty, avatar in 3D was pretty amazing.
paper and ink
with feelings and thought
cars & trucks & things that go - richard scarry
little bear - maurice sendak
the giving tree - shel silverstein
the quietest cricket - eric carle
there is a monster at the end of this book - grover
crazylove - francis chan
awake - erwin raphael mcmanus
seizing your divine moment - erwin raphael mcmanus
the journey towards relevance - kary oberbrunner
no compromise - melody green
but you can't raise boys to be scared of life.
You got to brew some recklessness into them.
The Lord has always been the One who stirs hearts to give of their resources and primarily I am asking Him to stir up those who will financially sow as partners with His kingdom advancing in and through my life.
Please take time to prayerfully consider becoming a monthly financial partner, allowing the Lord to pour through you, as He is the Source of all provision.
One-time donations are very helpful. Relational monthly partners who want to share in what God is doing in and through my life will provide enabling to focus wholeheartedly on His Word and His ways.
If you want to use another method besides paypal to help donate, let me know.
Contributions made directly to me are "love contributions," and are NOT tax deductible.
the archives
click to read back through the years.
2009 (may and after - there's a weird glitch)
2009 (january-april)
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
ergg.
Saturday, August 20, 2005 @ 11:48 PM
Its times like these you learn to live again.
Or so the song says.
I'm not so sure about that..or even what times the song is referring to. I might need to actually read the lyrics.
So how does it come to this. With me every night contemplating my life, or the lack thereof. Thinking about lost loves, future loves, or just the future in general. I'm not sure where I'm headed. I know where I'm going. I'm not sure why I'm going there... but I know that Illinois is where I am off too. But I don't know where that will leave me.
And I don't want to be alone through it all. I mean, seriously, I know that I'll make friends... but who wants to spend time and energy making friends? Its alot easier to just keep the friends you've already made. And sometimes I still think about you. And think about if you still want to be my friend. Or .. anything for that matter. I was going to call you.. but I didn't.. I was afraid you didn't want to see me. I'm not sure why you wouldn't, but I lost courage and left without telling you I came. Why does it matter anyway? It shouldn't have. It didn't mean anything in the first place.
He called me at ten till four in the morning today. Why did he call? Its been over a year since he's actually called me. I'm not even sure how many times he called when we were still together. Very seldomly. I'm surprised he still knows my number. I saved the voicemail though. I'm not sure why. Maybe out of pure shock that he called.. maybe I'm just hoping that It'll make me feel better to hear his voice. The voice of my mistake. Its entertaining to be able to put a face to pain. Instead of having this figment of your imagination stabbing you in the heart, you actually get a real person to envision. I thought about calling him back. We would talk about life for a bit, he'd tell me about how ''wonderful'' his life of drugs and alcohol is, and I'd tell him how ''great'' my life was. Then he'd know I was lying, and I'd tell him how I'm just frustrated with everyone else, but that I'm really frustrated with me. And I'd say I hate the fact that I pick the wrong guys... it woudln't be an intentional ego stab, but he'd take it that way. And he would say "So.. I was the wrong guy?" or something like that, and I'd ultimately and obviously say "Yes. Yes you were." and I'm not sure how the rest of the conversation would play out, but I'm sure somewhere in the middle of it, I'd just get so tired of discussing the same old pain that I'd just say I don't really want to talk about it right now. And hopefully he'd leave it at that. He never does though. Mistakes really do haunt you forever. He was a beautiful mistake. I wish I'd never wasted time on him, and I'm glad I didn't do anything I would have really regretted. But seriously, I just wish he'd go away. Or maybe, I just need to go away. Move away. Or take a mind vacation away. Stop driving by his work when I'm in town, to see if he's working.. Stop calling his house to see how he's doing. He doesn't do it for me, so why do it for him. And I'm not doing it out of pure loss and pain, I'm 90% legitimately doing it because I do worry about him. and I still do care about him as a friend and I don't want to see him getting into a bad situation. He's already in a bad situation. And what am I doing about it? Nothing. I've tried before.. I can't do anything. But I'm still worried I'll get that dreaded phone call saying something terrible has happened, and then I'll sit during his funeral and cry and kill myself with the guilt of ''I should have done more." I need to just leave though. It'll be good for me. I left once, but was still connected to people who knew him. Maybe he would have called more if his house phone was enabled with long distance. Maybe not. Who knows?
So I leave for Illinois sometime. With no job, some apartment prospects, and no friends. I don't even know the first place I'd look to finding a job. The newspaper isn't any help. I'd call you but I'm not sure if you could help me either. So what should I do? Where do I turn? I pray passionately to God every night, and I read his Word, and still I have no direction. I just have to walk blindly. And truth be told, it terrifys me. I feel like Indiana Jones when he's searching for the holy grail, and he has that like bridge that looks invisible to walk on. Its really there, and it really does lead him to safety, its just scaring him to death as he hopes its really there. So he throws sand on it to get an idea of where its at when he jumps. Just to be sure he's going in the right direction. So where's my sand? What do I get to throw upon this bridge of the unknown to find out where I'm supposed to jump? Have I already jumped? Am I just freefalling, and hoping for the best? I'm not sure. I don't feel the ground beneath my feet, and yet I don't feel like I'm falling fast. I'm not sure where I am. Perhaps in this matrix-type suspension in the air, as my contemplation overtakes my subconsious. I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. I'm not much of a planner, I just like knowing I'm not going the wrong way. I wish I had a hand to hold as I jumped. Like when you go skydiving. You never go your first time alone, they always pair you up with someone. Where's my buddy? I can feel God's presence sometimes, but I like the physical contact more, it tends to calm my racing mind. Is any of this making sense?
Perhaps I am going crazy.
Perhaps I am like everyone else.
Perhaps I've already jumped.
Perhaps..
x, Jeska
read it back to me, pietro.
good reads or good websites.
Team Van Voorst - Paige updates her life as wife, mom, and general frugal lady!
LG & Brian Alsbury - LisaGrace writes about being a new wife, matters of the heart, budgets and goals, and general awesome things.
Changing Again - Insight to Danielle's crazy world.
The Alexanders - Jess and Mike moved to Japan. Here is their side of the world.
Simple Mom - A great website devoted to simplicity.
Remodeling This Life. - Simple. Frugal. Fabulous. (She did an AMAZING home remodel based soley on cash.)
Mint - The EASIEST, most-AMAZING, FREE way to build a budget.
design*sponge. - Creative and original design ideas.
Organizing Your Way. - A personalized approach to decluttering your life.
SmittenKitchen - Seriously some of the BEST recipes i've ever come across. SO awesome.
go, mordecai!
good buys.
rare bird finds. - a collection of unique items.
fredflare! - a shop full of fun and functionality.
[etsy] - if you want anything handmade or vintage, look here.
mighty goods. - an updated collection of fun things.
threadless. - tshirts designed by everyday people.
raygun. - formerly smash, this is an independant shop in des moines that specializes in awesome shirts.
wildcat. wild...cat.
other good websites.
questionable content. - my favorite webcomic by jeph jacques. (contains swearing and adult situations.)
postsecret. - updated every sunday, this blog contains secrets sent in by individuals all over the world.
cute overload. - bad day? stare at picture of cute things. it helps.
is that a tic-tac?
layout credit.
Design : everlastingroses!
Inspiration : indreamsmaybe
Image : swimchick