what does that really mean?

maybe its the time of night.
maybe because I've been listening to sad songs all night
that makes it easier to cry.
tonight was so horrible.

I want to be in love so badly it hurts.
I would give anything right now just for one night of love.
not sex, or anything. just love.
holding hands while we walk.
having his arms around me while we watch a movie.
feeling his cheek brush mine and feeling his lips
dance upon mine. hearing words my heart breaks waiting to hear.
eventually it will come. I know.
to quote john cusack in high fidelity
''We were frightened of being left
alone for the rest of our lives.
Only people of a certain disposition
are frightened of being alone for
the rest of their lives at twenty-
six. We were of that disposition.
Everything seemed much later than
it was."

that's really how I feel right now.
I'm only 19.
I'm in no rush.
But yet I feel like I couldn't be wishing things to go any faster.
I just want things to start.
maybe I'm just not making them start that's the problem.
but I'd rather not think about my current troubles being all my fault.
not to say that they're anyones fault, but I don't like the
feeling of like I'm just sitting around when theres things I could
do about my situation. I don't believe its that way.
I'm just stuck.
somewhere.
in a place dark and cold.
and in the corner of my eye I keep thinking I see someone walking around.
and in the back of my mind I keep thinking I hear someone's voice.
and I would be thinking its getting colder if my skin wasn't already
so numb from the current chilling frost.
and I sort of begin to think that I might be dying.
but how would I know? does someone who's dying know they're dying?
like in the movies where with their last breath they say exactly
what they need to say.
my soul is dying. my heart is dying. there isn't anything keeping it
alive.
is it that I am of such a certain disposition where I need to be loved
to be alive? to feel alive? to feel worth something in this world where
I have nothing to call my own and nothing to prove I ever existed.
no fingerprints left behind. no letters written and signed.
no destiny fulfilled. no dust being stirred.
no commotion caused. no waves being made.
how is one to even prove they exist when they are even alive?
you wanna know why I was a cutter? quote, johnny reznik
''yeah you bleed just to know you're alive''
when you give everything you have you cut yourself just so
you can feel anything. even if its pain. to prove to yourself
that when blood it dripping off your arm that it confirms your
wish and proves your alive. you have to be. but sometimes
even feeling pain doesn't count because lately its all you feel.
so how are you supposed to test what is real and what you feel if
it all blends together. you can't cut joy out of yourself.
you can't bleed happiness. you can't. you just can't.
the only thing keeping my poor heart sewed together is a savior
that loves me, and gave up his life so I could feel more than pain.
so I could spit on his face and desecrate his holiness and purity
by believing that in order to prove I was alive I needed to see
the blood and see how red it really was. I never needed to prove I was
alive. I was the entire time. He wouldn't have died for something that
was dead. Or did he. Didn't he die so we could live? Then I was right
in believing I was dead, but he had already brought me back to life.
why did I so wish to feel dead again? I think the luster of life was
lost. I had become a poster child for the lost art of living.
I had everything and nothing.
people do that on a regular basis. they pray for mercy and strength
to release themselves from bondage yet just like the hebrews when they
escaped from egypt they wished nothing more than to be back in
slavery. maybe life is so promising that its frightening. frightening
because we worry that we won't live up to our full potential and we
will leave things undiscovered and stones not turned over. the fact
that we might be missing out, or at the end of our life, if given the chance to look back on everything we did, we'd find ourselves disappointing.
this is why its so important to take every moment as it is.
to work on the present and let the future worry about itself.
to seize every divine moment God has given you so you won't look back
and realize there were so many chances you had to do something better,
to BE something better.
don't waste your lives by waiting to feel alive. you are alive.
someone died, someone already bled enough for you to feel alive.
there is no need in wasting more blood. carpe diem. carpe divinus. seize the divine.
don't waste your time wishing for something to be better when
the path is laid out before you. Oh, it isn't? then make one.
you are given the ability by God, to go where you feel and not
to be afraid. there isn't anything you can do to screw up his plan
as long as you are walking with Him.