to sum up as of late, looks like this sentence. "i'm just pissed and i want to cry and fight and just stop breathing."

but i just read a blog by a random stranger i found. and i'm going to post the exerpt from it that opened my eyes a little wider. then afterwards, i'll expand on why these two thoughts intersect. "I still have a small sort of faith, I still don't see God as grand as I ought, but if I can just LIVE in the knowledge that HE IS GREATER than the faith I have in him, I might be able to find that comfort again. Maybe I can start letting loose again."


so.
recently, i've been going completely insane.
i'm losing my focus in everything, work, school, friends, and my most important, my Father.
i'm not sure where my focus is going, but maybe it's not so much a focus replacement as much as it is a "focus, lack thereof." so just a void that needs not to be filled to further script its impending danger on my life.

everything is so rushed in life lately. surely i am not the only one who feels this way.
perhaps it is just that time of the year. school ending and all.
i feel rushed in school to get caught up.
i feel rushed at work, in the sense of getting a better job.
i feel most rushed though, not by my own accord but of the pressure of outside unspecific sources in the area of love.

all these rushed ideas end up with terrible consequences. if i don't rush school and get things done, i might end up being a drop out, and that's just wasting money. if i don't rush at work in finding a better job, i might be stuck there forever getting $6.50 to put back porn. (and obviously other movies, i just dramatize and centralize the porn aspect.)
and the worst of yet, if i don't follow suit like most people i know, as far as love goes, meaning, dating/engaged/marraige, i will ultimately be alone forever.
now i, by no means, am saying i believe that statement. i wholeheartedly disagree. to quote high fidelity, "only people of a certain disposition are afraid of being alone at 26. we were of that disposition." i am not of that disposition.
i do not believe that if i don't find someone now, at 20 (shh. i'm rounding up.), i'll be alone forever.
that's completely ridiculous.
but, as ridiculous as it may be, it doesn't not remove the social pressures that are backing me farther into the invisible corner i so severly seem to feel i'm in.

i also feel the urgency to leave this town.
not just for dating/marriage prospects, but for just new interaction.
i'm feeling severly trapped in this place, as nice as it is, and as much as i like it, but im' completely terrified that if i don't leave soon, i will fall victim to the small town killer just like the rest of the people that vowed to get out when they had a chance.
this place has become a prison, and i fear i may have become institutionalized.
could i even survive somewhere else?
what would i do?
where would i live?
how could i afford things?

i'm feeling an unbelieveable amount of stress from everything that is weaving itself together to form the invisible rope around my neck.

where is God in all this?
i've been asking myself the same.
i have cheated on my Savior.
i have committed adultery with the things of this world,
and in the place of the one person that will love me no matter what i do, i have devoted my love to other things. even other unlovely things. even things i hate.
i feel horrible about it. so here i am wondering why things are just absolute
shiz right now, and what happened to God, when i personally, packed Him up in a box, and put him on a shelf in the back of my closet.
homework took the place of God.
sleeping took the place of God.
work took the place of God.
myspace took the place of God.

and here i was, looking to various places to alleviate the stress and the pressure and pain i have coming against me, including, if you didn't catch the reference in my last blog, my razorblade.
i share this in honesty with you to let you know, that once being addicted, it is only through the grace of God that i make it a day without it. He gives me the strength i need. The love i so desperately crave. The devotion that makes my heart rejoice.
And how do i thank Him? i forget about Him.
i promised to love Him for forever and there He is. just sitting. waiting for me to come back. and i tell Him, i'll be there in a minute, i have to go to work. Yes, i'm almost done with my homework, i need a few more weeks though. Just wait till i finish this blog.
He waits.

On a side note, that's why I love Jesus so much. He's never pushy or rude as he waits in eager anticipation for you to love Him back. He just waits.

so I have belittled my God, my Father, my Jesus, my Savior.
I have crawled onto the lap of God and slapped Him in the face.
then i had the audacity to question His whereabouts in my life, as of late.

i lack faith. and i lack patience. so combined i lack the patience to get more faith, and i lack the faith to be patient. and suddenly the way