| It's New Years Eve and I'm full of empty promises, I half pretend to keep this time, just like last year. The band is loud and I'm wandering the shadows, wishing I was never here. I persevere. A crowded room, these whitewashed tombs, they raise their glasses high, they kiss the past goodbye.
This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow. My heart is on my sleeve, and yes I still believe, this New Years Eve, will turn out better than before, I'm holding on, still holding out, until they close the door... on me.
It's New Years Eve and I feel my insecurities, are haunting me like ghosts, this sinking quicksand. And then with thunderous praise and lofty adoration, a second passes by, yet nothing changes. I hate my skin, this grave I'm standing in. Another change of years, and I wish I wasn't here.
A year goes by and I'm staring at my watch again, and I dig deep this time, for something greater than I've ever been, life to ancient wineskins. And I was blind but now I see.
This New Years Eve, something must change me inside, I'm crooked and misguided, and tired of being tired. This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow. My heart is on my sleeve, and yes I still believe, in You.
one of the best songs, in my opinion, ever written. (by five iron, or otherwise.) i'm glad tomorrow is new years. steadily working on my sister's house to get things ready has surprisingly worn me out. i feel like just doing one task burns me out for the whole day. it only took me an hour and a half to get "mall legs" at wal-mart, so i stayed in the car when i went to hy-vee. what's wrong with me? i'm fatigued all the time. literally. i could sleep...at any time really.
my cousin yesterday was telling me she's on some meds because she's fatigued constantly and consistently feels a case of low-level nausea. she said it's been going on for months. funny, same as me, i said. i told her to keep me posted on what works and doesn't. so hopefully we'll find something out for both of us.
in other news, i'm still damn pissed about joe. i feel all of the normal reactions, i just feel silly that they're still around. i'm disappointed, i'm angry, i feel like i was completely taken for a spin, that all of it was a lie, that i was friends with someone for years and suddenly just found out who they really are... all these things. most of all i feel like a part of me was wrongfully stolen. and i want it back. you know how when some people get robbed, they just have that overwhelming sense of violation? i've been feeling that a lot lately. i just feel emotionally and mentally violated. and i'm not sure how to fix that.
i pray about it, and the other night i said aloud that i forgave him (which me being angry is a clear sign i didn't...or at least not fully.) and i've talked it out with people and such. i have as much closure as i need, or as he's going to afford me... i'm just so frustrated. what's the between for being more than frustrated, but less than completely pissed off and a lot disappointed?
frus trat ed adjective. feeling or expressing distress and annoyance, esp. because of inability to change or achieve something.
oh. well that sounds right. and i think i'm even more frustrated (and angry... frangrated?) because yesterday was the day i was supposed to pick him up (had he actually been able to follow through like an adult...) and he was going to go to my aunt's for christmas with me, and then help my sister out with our new years thing today and tomorrow, then we were both going to go back and help him move in. so i guess with it all being here and now, and less of here and now than i originally thought, i'm even more upset.
and i want to retaliate like a child. i want to say mean things, and write mean letters, and do anything to make him feel as bad as i do. i exercise restraint, but it is difficult at times.
he wrote me a really annoying letter the other day. it said something to the extent of: we are over. i just need you to accept that. the truth is, i wanted to drink and drug and fuck more than i wanted to be in a relationship.
...and this was supposed to be some shock to me? of COURSE that's why you broke up with me. I didn't buy that God-card nonsense for a minute. perhaps he was unaware that this was why josh broke up with me all those years ago. so finally, FINALLY, all my relationships have come full circle. my first boyfriend and now my last, have left me for the same reasons.
personally, what a waste. i'm way better than drugs and alcohol, and two out of three is pretty great. (i'm n/a on the sex part, but something tells me i can't really compete.)
anyway. so now that it's all full circle, i'm hoping i can leave this round repetition and hop over to something more squarish. or perhaps a rhombus shaped relationship train. or maybe this is all pointing to the final end all of this nonsense.
i'm not entirely sure dating is for me anymore. and that sounds totally cliche to say after a relationship ends, but it just seems like a waste. i enjoy being single. i find peace in knowing my life contains me and God, and those are my only two responsibilities. hopefully, i'll be moving on to taking care of a cat. perhaps after i manage that, i can handle taking care of a boyfriend. my fish is way too simple.
...i hope he's not dead. em, you DID feed him, right? moving on...
anyway, i'm frustrated, and hurt, and angry, and let down, and full of disappointment. i feel like the regulars who care have heard the story a thousand times already, and i feel like the lot of the rest doesn't ever bother to investigate. which, i don't really want to talk about it. there isn't much to say. i'm not pining over lost "love", i'm not wallowing in deep self-loathing and regret, i'm not looking back wondering "what if?" and "could i have done something different?" i'm looking forward going "Thank you God for protecting me from a larger disaster." I'm feeling all these emotions because when you trust people you allow them to disappoint you and to hurt you. it's the concept of trust. it's risky. but i am certainly not attempting to recreate, or contemplating what could have been.
ugh. good thing i got out when i did. remember how sucky it was to move from mt. pleasant? and i protested and fought and bit my way through the whole thing? but then here we are a few months later looking back and thinking "goodness.. if i hadn't gotten out when i did, i would have never left." it was a town that was respectfully, nice, but had nothing for me. this was the same for joe. he was nice, but had nothing for me.
plus, i'm tired with being the ones that make all the boys feel better about themselves. making them "Want to be better people". it's tiring. where are all the normal boys who don't need to be fixed? the spiritually solid with their eyes fixed on the Father?
surely they exist. and if they don't, then onward to a life full of Christ, minus one less distraction. good night, friends. make the most of this new year. make it extraordinary. |