God is good, my friends.
last night was a rough night.
i crawled into bed with the inability to shut my mind off. where was my life going? why do i constantly feel trapped in this life? is there more to what i'm being offered than what i'm finding? certainly the options that are before me are accessible, right?

i get this way every few years. i just feel trapped inside my own body. claustrophobic in the life i lead. i end up following paths that, although might not be sinful or detrimental to my being, always have me feeling stuck. perhaps, i have to get stuck in one place in order to force me to unstick myself in another direction. i think all the choices i've made have been guided by the hand of the Father, so i'm not saying i'm making unwise life decisions or anything. but perhaps it's just kind of a bumper to another point in my life. like pinball.
or maybe it's all just a mess of nothing and this is how lives, or more specifically, my life is going to play out forever.

i keep taking a plethora of "what career should you be in" quizzes. they all tell me the exact same things. "you are: creative, artistic, musically inclined, a helper, a caregiver, a bob loblaw."
i know this. i know i'm creative. i create things. i know i'm artistic, i draw things. i know i'm musically inclined, i play instruments. i know i'm a helper, i love helping people. blah blah blah.

but this isn't helping me find a career anymore than before.
people are still encouraging me to go into writing. but that's a hard task seeing as i discovered what MLA meant once i hit college. i can't write papers mechanically. although, i can write papers [the opposite of mechanically].

i'd do more with art, and maybe get back into graphic design and film and such but i wouldn't know where to start. i suppose i could always go back to school. it's been a lingering thought in my often empty mind. but even then i feel like i'm lacking a cornerstone. iowa state from what i've seen doesn't offer anything with film and such (unless they're disguising it in some communications major) and graphic design means so many different things to so many different people. if you know me, you've seen my stuff, you know what i mean.

where is this job that is designed for me? i'm discovering you can't just cut to fit. i finally admitted [embarrassingly] at work that i'm not sure i can handle the stress anymore. i don't think i did it in a way where they'd think i'd leave... but my lead teacher and another teacher like me were talking, and i said that i'd just felt sick practically every day, and it traces back to when i got this job a few months ago, and how i am constantly faced with extreme fatigue, but when it comes to rest, sleep evades me because i cannot shut down my mind enough to get the adequate slumber i so greatly desire. denise [lead] mentioned that you have to be careful with stress like that, especially when it manifests itself physically. i said, yes, i understood. i've been stressed out for years, and my whole family runs pretty high-strung. maripat said that she was impressed, for she thought i was so calm.

ha. calm. i'm calm to an extent i said, for i have the ability to push aside how i feel and bury it until i get home an am able to (hopefully) de-stress. denise jokingly asked "what, do you go home and cry?"

...i smiled and said "actually.. yes."

there are many nights a week that crying is the only way i can present the stress in a different manifestation, so that i can rid myself of it.

last night was one of those night.
i had quite the lengthy conversation with God. i asked him if he ever physically presented himself to people anymore, like he used to with wonders and signs and just general presence. we went back and forth as to what i meant by wonders, knowing that every new day in itself is a wonder of God and the mountains and creation, etc. i asked if i could have a small sort of sign in knowing that finding another job is the desired route. he said maybe. but knowing i can't rely on signs but rather trust, i pondered my own request. discovering moments later that because of my inability to fully trust other people because of my past mis-placements of it, that i in turn, do not fully trust God. he wasn't blaming me when he said that. he knows that it's hard to trust people that you have physical communication with and then have betray you, and then expect you to trust what so often seems like a figment of your imagination. but he does expect it nonetheless. no one said it would be easy. there are multiple nights where i ponder if God is still in the right corner of my ceiling, or if he perhaps has relocated himself to near my smoke detector, or if he is nicely situated near my window. God is in none of these places, naturally. it's not about praying to a location, but rather praying. but i'm rabbit-trailing. anyway, i don't trust God. i say i do, i try, but in all actuality, i don't. my next step, is to attempt to revamp my entire spiritual life and solidly ground it on a firm foundation of truth and trust. it's much easier to trust when the Truth of God's Word says you can do it. i've said it many times, God isn't a god of screwing you over. He isn't a god of getting you back. He isn't a god of making you pay for your unbelief and your years of unforgivables sins with copious amounts of eternal repercussions.
He's just a dad. God, but a Dad nonetheless. And just like my own father, i need to trust him with all i am. he has my best interest at heart. so i'm going to trust. i'm no longer going to try, but rather force myself into action. here's to a new year of trusting, i suppose.

but in addition to trust, there has to be a movement outward. for weeks i've asked God to expand my social circle, but i've resisted moving into any new areas. just like a child, and just like i was when i was seventeen (and oh, how i wish i hadn't reverted back to that stage) i want people to like me and i'm terrified they won't.
and not in the "like me for me" sense. we all know i'm great. more importantly, i know i'm great. really. i like me. i like how God made me. i delight in the creation of myself just as He does. but as i enter into this new adult world i've become frozen with fear at the notion of adults not liking me. children like me, for certain. kids like me, teenagers, young adults, etc. i mesh with all of them. it's the adults that make me nervous. i've had "bad experiences" if i'm allowed to blame someone else for my response to a negative situation.

look at me. i have pink hair. i laugh at inappropriate moments. i say the wrong things. i don't know how to balance a checkbook efficiently. i have no clue how to buy groceries in a manner that when i get home and i'm hungry, i actually have food to make. i don't know how to get good interest rates on a loan, and i'm not super sure what a 401k and a roth IRA are.

i'm forgetting, of course, that i'm not the only one who transitioned into a new phase of life. friends went with me, and there is a whole generation of us. but why is it that i feel like i'm struggling so much to fit in?
paige has asked me to come to multiple church things like the light, or connection group, or women's group, and i shoot her down with the same answer every time. "no." "why not?" "it's all a bunch of married people."

boy, isn't that my cop-out response of the year? i know everyone's not married, and that's not even really it. i'm just terrified i'll put myself into a place where once again i feel like i'm the one wearing feetie-pajamas to a dignified gala full of evening gowns and top hats. that and the general feeling like i've forgotten how to interact with new people without being awkward. it's a little oddish going out with paige and todd, because i'm rarely introduced (which, seriously paige, is more than fine) or if i am, it just leads to more awkwardness or at best a few superficial contrived small talk sentences on "who i am" and "how do i know paige and todd". i never feel like i have adequate conversation to fuel anything worth being called small talk, or that i'm ill-prepared because i have nothing better to say after "nice to meet you", so i jump into plan b which is fake (or occasionally real) texting of people in attempts to look like i'm distracted and can't be bothered to be in your conversation. that just makes me look like an anti-social jerk.

i'm not anti-social. i'm just shy.
xkcd.com has a shirt that says that.


i'm planning on buying it eventually. but i'd feel i think more awkward if i wore it. we'll see. i'd still like it.

either way, i avoid all sorts of presented social situations because i'm not sure i really belong in this brave new world. especially when i am less than brave. there is a fire in my chest calling me to adventure and courageous attempts in life, but because it's never given anything real to burn, it's just mere kindling in my heart. but i can't keep turning down invitations to meet people just because i'm scared. face your lions and all that nonsense. so, i'm now planning on going to everything i'm invited to. plus, i feel stupid going to salt since i'm not in school, but i feel as equally dumb going to the light because i'm so young. (not that you're ultimately old for going, it's just post-grad people. and i'm technically right at the back nine of post-grad, had i gone to school that is, but that still puts me fairly behind age-wise. perhaps if i go i will find that secret connection that's nothing more than finding out that someone else is wandering through this world with the same hopes and uncertainties as you.

uncertainties. that's the best way to describe my life. i'm uncertain. about me, about this and now, then and later. today, tomorrow, yesterday. this breath, this step, this keystroke on the computer.

but no more of that. i know i've made confessions and failed attempts at being more bold, but i think with every one, every misstep becomes a small step towards ultimate progress. i am more bold now than i was five months ago, and certainly more than i was five years ago. i am embracing who i really am, and am hoping with the whitest of knuckles that people still enjoy my presence when it is all said and done. or maybe discovering yourself is a never ending pursuit. after all, weren't we all called to consistently grow and constantly move forward? perhaps. that is for another night of pondering. but i really am going to try harder to be more courageous with my life.

so yes, no more turning down social invitations! although, it would be nice to have a partner in crime so that when the mr. and mrs. are mingling and doing the rounds, i don't have to be so insecure and smile politely at other people's conversations, or stand there looking up with my hands in my pockets. (their general resting place. i get really nervous when i don't have pockets. is that weird?)

or perhaps that's the point. to force me to talk to those surrounding me. it makes sense that my most dreaded time at church is the greeting time. now there's the definition of contrived. but it always seems like i'm the one that is standing by myself and not talking to anyone, mostly because i'm scared, but because there isn't anyone who's available to talk. i don't know. i'm going to ask paige if i can come with her to the light, connection group, women's groups, group group, whatev... and see how it goes. but it still would be nice to have a wingman. i'm not much for being a third wheel. unless, of course, there's the accompanying fourth.


oh, yes, side track to the middle of this page, remember i prayed for a small sort of sign to just know that perhaps seeking another job is a wise choice?
i woke up, hopped on hotmail, and in the "in other facets of MSN" or whatever there was a link that said "5 new reasons to find new work in '08".

i clicked it.
it told me everything that i'd been concerned with as far as this job and moving forward. the five reasons were:

-you'll stress less
[i do believe i've mentioned this]
-you'll advance your career
[that'd be nice. i don't want to be in childcare for my whole life outside of being a mother.]
-you'll make more money
[outside of feeling like it'd make my job more tolerable, i really do need to be getting paid more. i'm seeking a part-time job to supplement what, i'm discovering, is not enough]
-you'll get better benefits
[i haven't had a chance to really use mine yet.. but they're really expensive. i'm not thinking i can afford them. so i'll probably un-enroll once i've put away a couple grand to cover an accident.]
-you'll have more time.
[so much of my life i feel is consumed by stress, and then the attempt at de-stressing. i miss the daylight, i feel so unproductive when i spend my whole day at work just so i can come home and watch a movie before a get my recommended eight hours of pretend rest.]

i'm generally considering this my sign. so i'm moving forward in a job quest, and hoping to find something.

here i am God, on bended knee, with open hands.
goodnight my friends.

[end blog 502, one hour and forty-two minutes later.]