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i'm really tired of crying today.
i woke up and was upset, then called my mom and cried the whole way to work, twice at work, once on break, and then managed to survive somehow until now, at which time i'm sure i'll cry at least once while writing this.

today was awful.
denise i think was just not in a good mood for a few parts, or maybe it's just that sometimes when she says things her voice comes out meaner than she even knows. (she's said that before when she says stuff, sometimes she sounds mean and she isn't mad at all.) i don't know. but i felt like i was in trouble for a few things that either i didn't know i was supposed to do, or i didn't think was a big deal. then a few of our kids were super fussy today, and the usual hurricanes were just disasters. so i'm not sure why everyone was just off today, but it seems the trend.
and then last night jeremiah and layla cornered me on my friendship with alex and how it's "painful to watch year after year" and i tried to play defense without being defensive. neither of them were asking any questions or saying anything out of being a jerk, or anything, i think they were just curious what was up. but really, i don't think i could explain even if i wanted to. but then it just continued onto how men and women can't be best friends, and someone gets hurt, and it's never a good idea, it's always a destructive relationship, blah blah blah.
ultimately, always ending with, "and it's you're fault." neither of them said that, but it's the case every single time. it's always my fault. always. he can't take no for an answer, and because of that, it's my fault.
but really, i didn't go back in time like seven years ago and say, "i'm going to make you my best friend because i know it's going to cause me a lot of pain and trouble for years." yeah, that sounds brilliant. you don't pick your friends like that. why are you friends with people you're friends with? i don't know. why are some friends best friends while others aren't? heck if i know. i can't explain why we became best friends. he gets me in ways people don't. just like paige. i mean, paige gets me a million times more, but i'd like to think of myself as fairly complex. and i think my behavior towards both of them, save for these last few months, are pretty identical, but no one questions paige and i's friendship because she's female. i don't get grief about how she knows everything about me, and how we laugh at the same jokes, and how we interact in public. yes, i know there are some subtle differences towards alex, but honestly, just because he's male, people see our friendship through different lenses.
so apparently we can't be friends.
NOTHING we do is anything more than friends, anyway.
yes, we used to cuddle, and a few months back i drew a line and put a stop to that. that was the only thing we did that was leveled above friendship. we never held hands, or kissed, or anything that was so blatently not friends in public or in private. NEVER. i made sure of it.
so what am i to do now, to step down our friendship?
somehow NOT tell him everything about me, even though he knows it all?
NOT laugh at things we both find funny?

i mean, i guess we can just not hang out solo anymore. but he doesn't like doing a lot of stuff in groups, similar to me. sometimes i don't want to hang out with anyone more than just one person. and i'm just going to slowly start devolving our relationship one small brick at a time?
doesn't that sound stupid to anyone? like we have this beautiful house, and i'm just going to tear down one whole side of it.

and why is it always MY FAULT?! that's the part that's really irritating the crap out of me. he should know better. if you ask me to dinner, and i say, sure, because friends go out to eat, too, and you force yourself into paying for me by throwing my money across the room (which he's done before) only after me refusing to let you pay multiple times, that's not a date. that's a sneaky boy trick.
THERE.
i found it. one of the worst sneaky boy tricks. there's a million girl ones. but none of them are as awful as that.
and where are my friends hassling him on still being interested in me? why is he the victim constantly? everyone always comes to me telling me i'm in the wrong and i'm hurting him, but why aren't they ever talking to him saying "dude, it's been seven years. she's just not into you. let it go." where are those conversations?

i don't know.
i'm just so frustrated.
and i'm tired of crying.
but really, i think we're just going to have to stop being friends for a few months.
then time will pass, and things will happen, and then he won't know everything about me and we can just start from the ground up and just continue in life as mere acquaintances or something. i don't understand how this is right, or true, or fair to anyone.
this is stupid. 0 comments