scrappin', yellin' & mixin' it up
words from 111 archer avenue.
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i always wanted to be a tenenbaum
you, know?
i am a twenty-three year old darling girl.
i am not married, i have no children, and i didn't graduate from college. but..
i draw birds and robots; i read books; i laugh till i cry; i love until my heart bursts; i sometimes paint my face or arms with stripes if i'm bored; i create; i play guitar. i am not impressive, but i am me.
i am addicted to Jesus Christ. He never stops loving, never stops giving, and there is always more of Him. He is the perfect addiction. no one else can satisfy.
These are all just mostly vague details. If you want me, come find me. But, I promise, at the very least, you'll think I'm nice.
things i like
(and i like a lot of things).
museums.// theme parks.// zoos.// aquariums.// road trips.// naps.// reading, and lots of reading. especially in unconventional places.// being silly.// going to goodwill to find hidden treasures.// traveling.// new things.// vintage things. record players, records, old cameras, old radios, vintage clothes, etc.// learning new things.// exploring new places.// building forts out of pillows and/or blankets.// getting mail.// finding new ways to stay organized.// old books that smell like yummy old books.// the smell of colored pencils, and crayons.// the internet, for without it, i might not have some very great friends that i love so dearly.// squirrels.// musicals.// live plays.// daisies, and trees.// thai food.// laughing.// socks.// people you meet that are so amazing they make you strive for greatness, not in competition, but just out of the pure fact that you've seen potential, and was found to be wasting yours.// living a simple life.// holding hands.// the rare moments in life where i don't feel self conscious.// watching home videos.// hideabeds.// thrift stores the size of target.// target for that matter.// poking people in the nose and saying "beep" at the same time.// candles and lanterns and kerosene lamps.// cupcakes.// showers, washing my hands, and brushing my teeth.// sitting on rooftops.// the feel of new shirts.// warm, summer nights.// making things for people.// old shoes from friends.// macaroni and cheese.// having great times of talk with God.// organic, antibiotic-free, preservative-free, artificial flavoring/color-free, no refined sugar or grain food. (just the way God intended.)// love.
things i listen to
currently:
death cab for cutie. feist. animal collective. modest mouse. owen. iron & wine. mother mother. eisley. her space holiday. school of seven bells. dear and the headlights. the weepies. arcade fire. the format.
and when my heart needs to beat
t-pain. rhianna. jay-z. kanye west. flo-rida. ne-yo. justin timberlake. (all hopefully edited.)
things i watch
when life slows for a moment.
the office. my boys. saturday night live. arrested development.
cinema light
that makes my heart glow
the royal tenenbaums. dedication. juno. stranger than fiction. hook. eternal sunshine. garden state. empire of the sun. caddyshack. ghostbusters. jurassic park. closer. iron giant. turner & hooch. an affair to remember. eagle vs. shark. lars and the real girl. pineapple express. the life aquatic. (500) days of summer. the hangover. up. and in all honesty, avatar in 3D was pretty amazing.
paper and ink
with feelings and thought
cars & trucks & things that go - richard scarry
little bear - maurice sendak
the giving tree - shel silverstein
the quietest cricket - eric carle
there is a monster at the end of this book - grover
crazylove - francis chan
awake - erwin raphael mcmanus
seizing your divine moment - erwin raphael mcmanus
the journey towards relevance - kary oberbrunner
no compromise - melody green
but you can't raise boys to be scared of life.
You got to brew some recklessness into them.
The Lord has always been the One who stirs hearts to give of their resources and primarily I am asking Him to stir up those who will financially sow as partners with His kingdom advancing in and through my life.
Please take time to prayerfully consider becoming a monthly financial partner, allowing the Lord to pour through you, as He is the Source of all provision.
One-time donations are very helpful. Relational monthly partners who want to share in what God is doing in and through my life will provide enabling to focus wholeheartedly on His Word and His ways.
If you want to use another method besides paypal to help donate, let me know.
Contributions made directly to me are "love contributions," and are NOT tax deductible.
the archives
click to read back through the years.
2009 (may and after - there's a weird glitch)
2009 (january-april)
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
honesty.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009 @ 9:25 PM
you never real get a lot of honesty these days.
whether it's asking how someone is and getting a rather worn-out, generic "fine, and you?" or when you ask someone where/what they want to eat and they say, "oh, anything's fine", when you know they really have a solid opinion.
or even when it's a question about something deeper.
so i'm going to present you with my top 5 or so list of things that i am:
-usually not honest about.
-don't like talking about.
-possibly hiding. (providing i can think of something.)
-really dealing with.
enjoy. and i encourage you to do the same.
only when things are buried deep do they affect us like a dark poison slowly growing inside us.
and it's so much nice to get things out in the open anyway. it's refreshing to get honesty.
it never happens these days.
1. i am so very seriously insecure. always have been. hopefully won't always be. that's part of my life overhaul. the tricky part of all of it is that i am secure in who i am in God (most of the time) and i am secure in who i am from my own opinion. it's really how other people see me. it's why i have such a hard time thinking decent, godly men will go after me. i mean, what do i have to offer them? you know? it's the losers that think i'm a winner. the winners seek other winners. or at least that's how it feels. (no maika, you are not a loser. you are lovely.) but still. it's not that i think i'm overly unimpressive...
whether it's asking how someone is and getting a rather worn-out, generic "fine, and you?" or when you ask someone where/what they want to eat and they say, "oh, anything's fine", when you know they really have a solid opinion.
or even when it's a question about something deeper.
so i'm going to present you with my top 5 or so list of things that i am:
-usually not honest about.
-don't like talking about.
-possibly hiding. (providing i can think of something.)
-really dealing with.
enjoy. and i encourage you to do the same.
only when things are buried deep do they affect us like a dark poison slowly growing inside us.
and it's so much nice to get things out in the open anyway. it's refreshing to get honesty.
it never happens these days.
1. i am so very seriously insecure. always have been. hopefully won't always be. that's part of my life overhaul. the tricky part of all of it is that i am secure in who i am in God (most of the time) and i am secure in who i am from my own opinion. it's really how other people see me. it's why i have such a hard time thinking decent, godly men will go after me. i mean, what do i have to offer them? you know? it's the losers that think i'm a winner. the winners seek other winners. or at least that's how it feels. (no maika, you are not a loser. you are lovely.) but still. it's not that i think i'm overly unimpressive...
....no. wait. that's it. i guess i just feel overly unimpressive.
1 comments
i mean, what all do i actually have to offer someone who is stable and functional in this adult world?
oh, well. this is all part of my general life overhaul. i intend on making myself into a true gem. i just feel like i really don't have anything to offer. i'm not spectacular.
2. i am still ridiculously jealous of people who are prettier than me. which, if you read the above number, is pretty much everyone.
3. i have no idea how to make friends. (you'll slowly catch on that a lot of this stems from #1) i'm too nervous that people won't like me to even really try. and when i do try i usually fall all over myself and then people don't like me. or i try really hard to not be desperate and end up writing a 4 page message on facebook on why someone should be my friend. (seriously. i've done it.)
4. sometimes i feel like God is closer to than my skin and that we understand each other so well. there is no other perfect lover like our God. but more often than not i feel like He ignores me. i feel like i have wants and desires that i'm suppose be given, but instead all my prayers fall upon deaf ears. sometimes i feel like i'm more in love with Him than i will ever be with any earthly person, and yet, other times i feel so completely indifferent that i end up settling into a quiet complacency that i'm sure Satan enjoys. i get jealous when i hear of my friends that have found the face of God, when i just ended up getting lost in the forest. He says that those who seek Him will find Him. why is it that when i am most earnestly seeking Him, he is hidden the most? as if it's just layer and layer of netting and fabrics like a shroud hiding him even farther away from me.
5. i'm still jealous of all my friends that are married and have babies. i feel like everyone has advanced in life and i'm just stuck in high school.
6. i lie about my job title. i tell people i'm an administrative assistant. i very well might be, i guess, if i knew what that was. i just want a professional sounding title so people might start taking me seriously. i'm probably just a receptionist. or a secretary.
7. when people say mean things about me, even really lame things, it still makes me cry more often than not. like when a guy said at work to dr. rall, "you need to get a secretary that you can tie up in that chair and then bolt that chair to the floor so she'll do her job and answer the phone." ...nice. and then a few hours later i answered the phone and the first words this woman said to me in a rather mean tone were, "how come sometimes you answer the phone and sometimes you don't."
oh, well. this is all part of my general life overhaul. i intend on making myself into a true gem. i just feel like i really don't have anything to offer. i'm not spectacular.
2. i am still ridiculously jealous of people who are prettier than me. which, if you read the above number, is pretty much everyone.
3. i have no idea how to make friends. (you'll slowly catch on that a lot of this stems from #1) i'm too nervous that people won't like me to even really try. and when i do try i usually fall all over myself and then people don't like me. or i try really hard to not be desperate and end up writing a 4 page message on facebook on why someone should be my friend. (seriously. i've done it.)
4. sometimes i feel like God is closer to than my skin and that we understand each other so well. there is no other perfect lover like our God. but more often than not i feel like He ignores me. i feel like i have wants and desires that i'm suppose be given, but instead all my prayers fall upon deaf ears. sometimes i feel like i'm more in love with Him than i will ever be with any earthly person, and yet, other times i feel so completely indifferent that i end up settling into a quiet complacency that i'm sure Satan enjoys. i get jealous when i hear of my friends that have found the face of God, when i just ended up getting lost in the forest. He says that those who seek Him will find Him. why is it that when i am most earnestly seeking Him, he is hidden the most? as if it's just layer and layer of netting and fabrics like a shroud hiding him even farther away from me.
5. i'm still jealous of all my friends that are married and have babies. i feel like everyone has advanced in life and i'm just stuck in high school.
6. i lie about my job title. i tell people i'm an administrative assistant. i very well might be, i guess, if i knew what that was. i just want a professional sounding title so people might start taking me seriously. i'm probably just a receptionist. or a secretary.
7. when people say mean things about me, even really lame things, it still makes me cry more often than not. like when a guy said at work to dr. rall, "you need to get a secretary that you can tie up in that chair and then bolt that chair to the floor so she'll do her job and answer the phone." ...nice. and then a few hours later i answered the phone and the first words this woman said to me in a rather mean tone were, "how come sometimes you answer the phone and sometimes you don't."
...those aren't even mean things to say. they're dumb.
they're uncreative, not particularly insulting,
nor are they that thought out to hurt me.
they're uncreative, not particularly insulting,
nor are they that thought out to hurt me.
but it doesn't change that they do.
i already feel like i'm bad at my job.
i already feel like i'm bad at my job.
i'm answering phones, taking patients payments, scheduling appointments, taking people back to exam rooms, dealing with new patients, running the tables, copying papers, filling out travel cards and routing slips, taking people out of traction, checking on people, and working on accounting.
all at once.
no joke.
all.
at.
once.
no joke.
all.
at.
once.
8. i consistently feel like i'm bad at everything. i can't seem to find a home where i belong, or a knack that i have. everywhere is a let down, and every job i end up, at one point or another, feeling like i'm just too stressed out and not cut out for it. certainly i'm not supposed to feel that way all the time, right? even if it is work? i mean, i still don't think my job is a good fit. even on good days. i like it well enough, and i'd be sad to not see the patients i love, but i can't do everything he asks of me. and i don't have any background for it.
sometimes i wonder...
do i want to be a stay at home mom because that's where i feel called to be...
do i want to be a stay at home mom because that's where i feel called to be...
or do i just want to avoid work...
?
who knows. i feel like i'm good at taking care of people. i'm great with children. i have knowledge behind me for it. and it's something i want to do. not to say that i won't be stressed out, or have days where i want to quit, but i've always felt like i fit with children. but still the thought that i might have being a mom as my ace in the hole only because i don't feel cut out for a workforce job, scares the crap out of me.
9. i cry myself to sleep more nights than i can even count. it happens when you constantly: are insecure, feel inadequate, feel overly unimpressive, feel like you can't do anything right, hate going to work because you don't feel like you're good at it.
oh. and having no friends is just salt in the wound.
10. i'm not sure why i don't clean my room. for some reason, the disorder in my room needs to match the dysfunction in my life. when i'm great and everything's great, my room is clean. when my life is in shambles, my room is a mess. plus, who do i have to clean it up for anyway? it's something i want to work on changing, but it'll be hard when a messy room doesn't bother me too much.
i could keep going.
i really could.
but this is too much honesty for me already, and frankly it's wearing me out.
when you're used to dancing with a facade, it's more exhausting to be who you are.
and i generally don't like who i am.
so, it's even more exhausting.
goodnight blogland, i love you.
9. i cry myself to sleep more nights than i can even count. it happens when you constantly: are insecure, feel inadequate, feel overly unimpressive, feel like you can't do anything right, hate going to work because you don't feel like you're good at it.
oh. and having no friends is just salt in the wound.
10. i'm not sure why i don't clean my room. for some reason, the disorder in my room needs to match the dysfunction in my life. when i'm great and everything's great, my room is clean. when my life is in shambles, my room is a mess. plus, who do i have to clean it up for anyway? it's something i want to work on changing, but it'll be hard when a messy room doesn't bother me too much.
i could keep going.
i really could.
but this is too much honesty for me already, and frankly it's wearing me out.
when you're used to dancing with a facade, it's more exhausting to be who you are.
and i generally don't like who i am.
so, it's even more exhausting.
goodnight blogland, i love you.
read it back to me, pietro.
good reads or good websites.
Team Van Voorst - Paige updates her life as wife, mom, and general frugal lady!
LG & Brian Alsbury - LisaGrace writes about being a new wife, matters of the heart, budgets and goals, and general awesome things.
Changing Again - Insight to Danielle's crazy world.
The Alexanders - Jess and Mike moved to Japan. Here is their side of the world.
Simple Mom - A great website devoted to simplicity.
Remodeling This Life. - Simple. Frugal. Fabulous. (She did an AMAZING home remodel based soley on cash.)
Mint - The EASIEST, most-AMAZING, FREE way to build a budget.
design*sponge. - Creative and original design ideas.
Organizing Your Way. - A personalized approach to decluttering your life.
SmittenKitchen - Seriously some of the BEST recipes i've ever come across. SO awesome.
go, mordecai!
good buys.
rare bird finds. - a collection of unique items.
fredflare! - a shop full of fun and functionality.
[etsy] - if you want anything handmade or vintage, look here.
mighty goods. - an updated collection of fun things.
threadless. - tshirts designed by everyday people.
raygun. - formerly smash, this is an independant shop in des moines that specializes in awesome shirts.
wildcat. wild...cat.
other good websites.
questionable content. - my favorite webcomic by jeph jacques. (contains swearing and adult situations.)
postsecret. - updated every sunday, this blog contains secrets sent in by individuals all over the world.
cute overload. - bad day? stare at picture of cute things. it helps.
is that a tic-tac?
layout credit.
Design : everlastingroses!
Inspiration : indreamsmaybe
Image : swimchick