scrappin', yellin' & mixin' it up
words from 111 archer avenue.
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i always wanted to be a tenenbaum
you, know?
i am a twenty-three year old darling girl.
i am not married, i have no children, and i didn't graduate from college. but..
i draw birds and robots; i read books; i laugh till i cry; i love until my heart bursts; i sometimes paint my face or arms with stripes if i'm bored; i create; i play guitar. i am not impressive, but i am me.
i am addicted to Jesus Christ. He never stops loving, never stops giving, and there is always more of Him. He is the perfect addiction. no one else can satisfy.
These are all just mostly vague details. If you want me, come find me. But, I promise, at the very least, you'll think I'm nice.
things i like
(and i like a lot of things).
museums.// theme parks.// zoos.// aquariums.// road trips.// naps.// reading, and lots of reading. especially in unconventional places.// being silly.// going to goodwill to find hidden treasures.// traveling.// new things.// vintage things. record players, records, old cameras, old radios, vintage clothes, etc.// learning new things.// exploring new places.// building forts out of pillows and/or blankets.// getting mail.// finding new ways to stay organized.// old books that smell like yummy old books.// the smell of colored pencils, and crayons.// the internet, for without it, i might not have some very great friends that i love so dearly.// squirrels.// musicals.// live plays.// daisies, and trees.// thai food.// laughing.// socks.// people you meet that are so amazing they make you strive for greatness, not in competition, but just out of the pure fact that you've seen potential, and was found to be wasting yours.// living a simple life.// holding hands.// the rare moments in life where i don't feel self conscious.// watching home videos.// hideabeds.// thrift stores the size of target.// target for that matter.// poking people in the nose and saying "beep" at the same time.// candles and lanterns and kerosene lamps.// cupcakes.// showers, washing my hands, and brushing my teeth.// sitting on rooftops.// the feel of new shirts.// warm, summer nights.// making things for people.// old shoes from friends.// macaroni and cheese.// having great times of talk with God.// organic, antibiotic-free, preservative-free, artificial flavoring/color-free, no refined sugar or grain food. (just the way God intended.)// love.
things i listen to
currently:
death cab for cutie. feist. animal collective. modest mouse. owen. iron & wine. mother mother. eisley. her space holiday. school of seven bells. dear and the headlights. the weepies. arcade fire. the format.
and when my heart needs to beat
t-pain. rhianna. jay-z. kanye west. flo-rida. ne-yo. justin timberlake. (all hopefully edited.)
things i watch
when life slows for a moment.
the office. my boys. saturday night live. arrested development.
cinema light
that makes my heart glow
the royal tenenbaums. dedication. juno. stranger than fiction. hook. eternal sunshine. garden state. empire of the sun. caddyshack. ghostbusters. jurassic park. closer. iron giant. turner & hooch. an affair to remember. eagle vs. shark. lars and the real girl. pineapple express. the life aquatic. (500) days of summer. the hangover. up. and in all honesty, avatar in 3D was pretty amazing.
paper and ink
with feelings and thought
cars & trucks & things that go - richard scarry
little bear - maurice sendak
the giving tree - shel silverstein
the quietest cricket - eric carle
there is a monster at the end of this book - grover
crazylove - francis chan
awake - erwin raphael mcmanus
seizing your divine moment - erwin raphael mcmanus
the journey towards relevance - kary oberbrunner
no compromise - melody green
but you can't raise boys to be scared of life.
You got to brew some recklessness into them.
The Lord has always been the One who stirs hearts to give of their resources and primarily I am asking Him to stir up those who will financially sow as partners with His kingdom advancing in and through my life.
Please take time to prayerfully consider becoming a monthly financial partner, allowing the Lord to pour through you, as He is the Source of all provision.
One-time donations are very helpful. Relational monthly partners who want to share in what God is doing in and through my life will provide enabling to focus wholeheartedly on His Word and His ways.
If you want to use another method besides paypal to help donate, let me know.
Contributions made directly to me are "love contributions," and are NOT tax deductible.
the archives
click to read back through the years.
2009 (may and after - there's a weird glitch)
2009 (january-april)
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
trapped.
Friday, April 10, 2009 @ 10:57 PM
-less like a rat in a cage
-notsomuch between a rock and a hard place
...more backed into a corner with nowhere else to go, and oh, the walls are closing in. neat.
*sigh*
i got off work and the first thing i did was come into my room, crawl into bed, and i just spaced out for awhile. then i put in lars and the real girl hoping i could maybe cry out my discouragement. it eventually got dark, and mom and dad kept checking in asking if i was okay, to which i naturally responded with a lifeless, "i'm fine, thank you."
it's not that i didn't want to talk about what's wrong. it's just hard to talk when you can't even say a single word without bursting into tears. and i don't want to keep my problems as conversation just so i can hopefully justify myself. i shouldn't require encouragement, pity, or someone asking me "if everything's alright" in order to get through things. so, i'm trying a new route where i bottle everything up. i won't talk about my day, mention my frustrations, express any discontent or anything of the like.
it'll be better this way.
everything's my doing anyway. if someone asks me how i am, and i truthfully respond, does that make the problem go away? no. does it make it any less my fault? no. does it make it any less awful? no.
it just ends up looking like i make excuses; like i pass blame; like i don't take responsibility for my mistakes. or worse, it looks like i take everything too personally. which is rather silly when you think about it. why shouldn't i take it personally? it personally deals with me, a person. should i let it affect me? i don't see why not. if someone doubts your ability, your skill, your character and your integrity, wouldn't that affect you? of course. but yet, i'm expected to just have it roll off my back. make it disappear with a smile and a radiating confidence coming from self-situated worth.
but things don't work that way.
i'm not one of those people.
that is not how my Creator made me.
believe it or not, i cry, i bleed, i hurt. sticks and stones may break my bones, but words sting, and so do disapproving expressions, and patronizing tones. no one uses sticks and stones these days when words are much more effective. they go farther and dig deeper without all the mess of brute force.
but all of that aside, i am trapped.
maybe more like a rat in a cage.
maybe more like somewhere between a rock and a hard place.
because i can't move forward. but at the same time i can't stay. so what do you do? where do you go? you can't leave because you have nowhere to leave to. but you can't stay because you're tired of honestly doing and trying your best and having it not be good enough. and after awhile, it does start to get to you. so please, don't you dare tell me that my identity in Christ is supposed to be solid enough to fix that my "best isn't good enough".
yes, it helps to know that no matter what, my best won't be good enough for Jesus, which is why He gets to just love me anyway. hooray for love.
but it doesn't make it better.
it's not a cure all.
and i'm tired of people making it a cure all.
it's barely a band-aid at best.
i know who i am in Christ. i know myself inside and out.
but i do not know who i am in this world.
i do not know how i measure up.
i do not know how to not hurt when i hurt.
i do not know how to not cry when i cry.
i do not know how to do better when my best is all i have been giving.
and more than that,
i do not know where to go next, or how to even get there.
i am completely discouraged.
i am completely alone.
i am completely broken hearted.
"sometimes i get so lonely that i forget what day it is, and how to spell my name."
-dagmar from lars and the real girl. 0 comments
read it back to me, pietro.
good reads or good websites.
Team Van Voorst - Paige updates her life as wife, mom, and general frugal lady!
LG & Brian Alsbury - LisaGrace writes about being a new wife, matters of the heart, budgets and goals, and general awesome things.
Changing Again - Insight to Danielle's crazy world.
The Alexanders - Jess and Mike moved to Japan. Here is their side of the world.
Simple Mom - A great website devoted to simplicity.
Remodeling This Life. - Simple. Frugal. Fabulous. (She did an AMAZING home remodel based soley on cash.)
Mint - The EASIEST, most-AMAZING, FREE way to build a budget.
design*sponge. - Creative and original design ideas.
Organizing Your Way. - A personalized approach to decluttering your life.
SmittenKitchen - Seriously some of the BEST recipes i've ever come across. SO awesome.
go, mordecai!
good buys.
rare bird finds. - a collection of unique items.
fredflare! - a shop full of fun and functionality.
[etsy] - if you want anything handmade or vintage, look here.
mighty goods. - an updated collection of fun things.
threadless. - tshirts designed by everyday people.
raygun. - formerly smash, this is an independant shop in des moines that specializes in awesome shirts.
wildcat. wild...cat.
other good websites.
questionable content. - my favorite webcomic by jeph jacques. (contains swearing and adult situations.)
postsecret. - updated every sunday, this blog contains secrets sent in by individuals all over the world.
cute overload. - bad day? stare at picture of cute things. it helps.
is that a tic-tac?
layout credit.
Design : everlastingroses!
Inspiration : indreamsmaybe
Image : swimchick