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2010
2009 (may and after - there's a weird glitch)
2009 (january-april)
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004

no, seriously.
i get all "oh, hooray! you're getting married!" and then i start to almost cry 'cause i'm so happy for them and what not.


then i start thinking about the fact that:
1. i'm not married.
2. it doesn't look too good for the near future either. (which is totally fine. God's plans are without a doubt better than mine.)
3. weddings usually include hundreds of other married people.
4. i am really awkward at weddings.
4a. i am really awkward in general.
5. i don't ever have dates to weddings that aren't -my dad, or -my brother. which, i'm not entirely cool with, but cool enough because going alone makes me feel so much more insignificant.

and this all leads to a few conclusions that:
1. i am still just as insecure as i used to be, which results in a lack of confidence.
2. i bought a new dress, new shoes, and plan on looking smashing in hopes of meeting the only other single person at the wedding.
3. i'm pretty sure that plan will fail because [see 1.]
4. no matter what, and i'm pretty sure that this will occur at my own wedding: I WILL ALWAYS BE JUST A LITTLE BIT AWKWARD. i do think that i'm internalizing it a bit too much and feel more transparent than i actually am. but i swear there is a neon sign above me that says "SUPER AWKWARD". *buzz buzz*. and then the arrow points directly down to my blushing face.
5. i am at least excited that most wedding receptions aren't well lit. that has potential to hid my red face. (but draw attention to the neon sign. i just can't win, can i?)

i'm sure that this all could be aided by:
1. having a wingman. wingmen for me are seriously essential. but it's hard to pull off when those wingmen are on a different social plane than you, or you don't know them very well.
2. being confident. being secure. or living on a different planet, because honestly i think i'll always be a little bit unsure of myself.
3. a manual titled: how to act and behave at weddings: the modern single girl's guide to be just social enough that your presence was remembered and enjoyed but hidden enough that you can turn your internal terror down a few notches. (i might have to start a new blog just for that.)
4. a boyfriend. [see 1.]
5. keeping a constant feed of matrix theme music playing in one ear from my ipod the whole time. nothing like the matrix to keep you ready for a thousand clones and crazy gunfights. ('cause those happen at weddings sometimes. you gotta expect anything anytime.)

but instead i think i'll just:
1. fake it? isn't that the rule? pretend to be what you want and you become it. if i pretend to be charming and delightful, then i'll be charming and delightful? or i'll be a giant fake that people can see through. not a horrible option.
2. put on my new *expensive* dress, my new shoes (without being neurotic about the fact that the dress has splashes of off-white on it and the shoes are more of a champagne color, but no one's actually looking at your feet, right?), do my hair and makeup perfectly, and stroll in like i own the place but eventually just settle into my usual state of awkwardness. hey, if i'm gonna be awkward, i'm sure as heck gonna look good doing it.
3. try to really refocus the fact that no one is actually going to be staring at me, and i'll most likely end up being just a face during someone else's big day. it's the best i can hope for.
4. imagine how much fun it'll be with paige and todd and atticus, and hope that the li'l guy could score me some, "oh, excuse me, i have to change my friend's baby's diaper. i'll be the martyr and miss this round of 'the cha-cha slide 2' and return post haste," moments. thank God for babies. plus, then it ups my "is good with children", "enjoys serving people by caring for their children for a moment so they can catch a bit of relaxation", and my "chooses to not partake in ridiculous songs" scores. which makes me a better catch to the rare, single fellow.
5. spend more time thinking about how this all seems like it should be narrated by some british chap on the discovery/national geographic channel. "the awkward female dresses in a well-cut, vintage inspired, coral-pink dress in attempts to draw interest from the elusive single male. found often clinging to walls or circulating in and out of the restroom, the awkward female looks for places in which to blend in. a curious move as her outfit color of choice is perfectly coordinated with the pink that commonly rises in her cheeks during such social occasions. her attempts to camouflage with her surroundings almost always fail which commonly forces the awkward female to force-metamorphosize into a faux social butterfly. where the social graces of modern females are found wanting in our specimen, she does often posess a strange characteristic of false charisma; an identity that requires so much energy, she must only use it in dire social situations and make careful watch to be sure that she doesn't revert back to a lifeless state mid sentence."

you only think i'm joking.
i'm exaggerating only slightly, but i'm twice as awkward as i write, and i'm not sure if it falls under "patheticially cute" or "actually endearing." like when you see a baby animal try to walk and it's so funny but so tragically cute, that you end up laughing while you say "awwww," with turned in eyebrows. i am that animal. i stumble into weddings and forget how to walk or talk. it's almost like those "i don't know what to do with my hands" types of situations. you know the ones i'm talking about. you're either on stage, or you're doing something, or you're involved in something very important like an interview and all you can think about is, "OH MY GOSH WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?!!??!"


thank God my dress has pockets. i go into social meltdowns when i don't have pockets. it's just not good.

... and this ladies and gentleman, is why no sensible boy would find me appealing.
goodness sakes. i just reread all this nonsense, and as true as it may be, it's certainly not a quality anyone looks for in the opposite gender.

certainly there are people just as awkward as me, right?



...right?

all this being said, i'm super pumped lisagrace is getting married, super excited she even thought to invite me (thanks dear!) and super happy for them both. 'cause they're just so darn adorable. and they deserve each other. much luck to you both :) (one week LG! one week!!)
:repeat blog: 3 comments