scrappin', yellin' & mixin' it up
words from 111 archer avenue.
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i always wanted to be a tenenbaum
you, know?
i am a twenty-three year old darling girl.
i am not married, i have no children, and i didn't graduate from college. but..
i draw birds and robots; i read books; i laugh till i cry; i love until my heart bursts; i sometimes paint my face or arms with stripes if i'm bored; i create; i play guitar. i am not impressive, but i am me.
i am addicted to Jesus Christ. He never stops loving, never stops giving, and there is always more of Him. He is the perfect addiction. no one else can satisfy.
These are all just mostly vague details. If you want me, come find me. But, I promise, at the very least, you'll think I'm nice.
things i like
(and i like a lot of things).
museums.// theme parks.// zoos.// aquariums.// road trips.// naps.// reading, and lots of reading. especially in unconventional places.// being silly.// going to goodwill to find hidden treasures.// traveling.// new things.// vintage things. record players, records, old cameras, old radios, vintage clothes, etc.// learning new things.// exploring new places.// building forts out of pillows and/or blankets.// getting mail.// finding new ways to stay organized.// old books that smell like yummy old books.// the smell of colored pencils, and crayons.// the internet, for without it, i might not have some very great friends that i love so dearly.// squirrels.// musicals.// live plays.// daisies, and trees.// thai food.// laughing.// socks.// people you meet that are so amazing they make you strive for greatness, not in competition, but just out of the pure fact that you've seen potential, and was found to be wasting yours.// living a simple life.// holding hands.// the rare moments in life where i don't feel self conscious.// watching home videos.// hideabeds.// thrift stores the size of target.// target for that matter.// poking people in the nose and saying "beep" at the same time.// candles and lanterns and kerosene lamps.// cupcakes.// showers, washing my hands, and brushing my teeth.// sitting on rooftops.// the feel of new shirts.// warm, summer nights.// making things for people.// old shoes from friends.// macaroni and cheese.// having great times of talk with God.// organic, antibiotic-free, preservative-free, artificial flavoring/color-free, no refined sugar or grain food. (just the way God intended.)// love.
things i listen to
currently:
death cab for cutie. feist. animal collective. modest mouse. owen. iron & wine. mother mother. eisley. her space holiday. school of seven bells. dear and the headlights. the weepies. arcade fire. the format.
and when my heart needs to beat
t-pain. rhianna. jay-z. kanye west. flo-rida. ne-yo. justin timberlake. (all hopefully edited.)
things i watch
when life slows for a moment.
the office. my boys. saturday night live. arrested development.
cinema light
that makes my heart glow
the royal tenenbaums. dedication. juno. stranger than fiction. hook. eternal sunshine. garden state. empire of the sun. caddyshack. ghostbusters. jurassic park. closer. iron giant. turner & hooch. an affair to remember. eagle vs. shark. lars and the real girl. pineapple express. the life aquatic. (500) days of summer. the hangover. up. and in all honesty, avatar in 3D was pretty amazing.
paper and ink
with feelings and thought
cars & trucks & things that go - richard scarry
little bear - maurice sendak
the giving tree - shel silverstein
the quietest cricket - eric carle
there is a monster at the end of this book - grover
crazylove - francis chan
awake - erwin raphael mcmanus
seizing your divine moment - erwin raphael mcmanus
the journey towards relevance - kary oberbrunner
no compromise - melody green
but you can't raise boys to be scared of life.
You got to brew some recklessness into them.
The Lord has always been the One who stirs hearts to give of their resources and primarily I am asking Him to stir up those who will financially sow as partners with His kingdom advancing in and through my life.
Please take time to prayerfully consider becoming a monthly financial partner, allowing the Lord to pour through you, as He is the Source of all provision.
One-time donations are very helpful. Relational monthly partners who want to share in what God is doing in and through my life will provide enabling to focus wholeheartedly on His Word and His ways.
If you want to use another method besides paypal to help donate, let me know.
Contributions made directly to me are "love contributions," and are NOT tax deductible.
the archives
click to read back through the years.
2009 (may and after - there's a weird glitch)
2009 (january-april)
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
oh, how he loves us so.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010 @ 9:58 PM
sometimes i get the urge to write in a similar manner to when you feel sick and you need to throw up.
my mind is sick and i need to get it out of my system.
today was a rough day.
i'm not sure it was entirely necessary for spencer's identical twin (seriously. this dude was spot on.) to waltz around the pool when i was there with my sister. really, fate? is that necessary? ((and if i can say so, in honestly the nicest way possible, this dude was better looking by just a scosh.))
and last night i fell to pieces over some stuff that i can't talk about on the internet by request of other people who were involved. but if you want to discuss it privately, contact me.
it's just so frustrating.
and i don't understand any of it.
this week has been a rough week of attack.
the incident combined with our mailbox key not working... i know it's not a big deal, but i know i have letters in there. and i really want them. and then seeing the almost-spencer today... it's been too much. and i'm realizing i haven't forgiven anyone just yet, or at least not entirely. everything is done in layers, and another one peeled back today. it's like i said a few blogs down, the thing is about healing is that you would never know you're getting any better because each layer feels worse than the last.
i know God is on it. and i know i can trust Him. but i'm not resting in that trust. because it's hard. i'm just.. ugh. i might cry again. i put on "how he loves us" [david crowder version] and blasted it as loud as i could in my car and just cried and cried and cried. then Jesus showed up and sat next to me and held my hand and cried with me and it was nice to have Him there for a little bit. but it doesn't fix things. because His love does fix -- but often not instantaneously. it's all a process, and excuse me for saying things in such a harsh language but DAMMIT, I HATE PROCESS.
seriously.
i just want to be done with this.
it's like having the flu for two months. every few days you throw up and cry and feel really REALLY bad. and then you're fine for a few days. then you get all sorts of sick again. this is how my heart feels.
my sister made some comment about whether or not his family was "pow-wowing" against me still and honestly i hadn't thought about it. but when i started to... it really really hurt. are they saying things about me behind my back? are they saying that i'm "another crazy girlfriend" or "we knew she wasn't right for you the whole time" or "she was so immature" or "thank God spence dodged that bullet." ....
am...
am i a bullet?
...
i mean, am i a bullet, to them?
and i know it doesn't matter even if i am.
but i am a nice person. a nice, sane, totally loveable, amazingly wonderful, giving, loving, patient, kind, tenderhearted person. and it stings my heart to think of someone misunderstanding me so greatly.
i will say that my worth is defined by God, but i won't say that it doesn't hurt when people think like that.
i tried my absolute BEST to be the best girlfriend, best friend, best girl your son/brother/brother-in-law is dating. tried my absolute HARDEST. if they needed anything i could have provided i would have done it in a heart beat. organs, items, pints of blood.. anything. because i loved them. i saw them as my future family. they, apparently, saw me as a future disaster waiting to happen.
and maybe they were right. i'm not saying that.
but, it still hurts.
to feel like i was conspired against.
and it's already hard enough to forgive people.
but it's extra hard to forgive them when it seems like they don't understand why they hurt you in the first place.
i could handle him breaking my heart. but it was like a whole collective of people that were bent on tearing me open.
and i know,
i know,
i KNOW that wasn't what they intended to do. but please, try to see it from my side. not only does he break up with me and shatter my heart, but the people i had previously counted on for support instead agreed that shattered=good and that it should have been done a long time ago. or i don't know...
it's been two months.
which in the grande scheme of time is like half a millisecond of an eyeblink.
but it still is time.
some part of me wants to go back and sit them all down and just... talk it out, i guess. i doubt i could do it with just me v. them. but i want to plead my case of how much hurt i feel, and maybe then after expressing it all, i could fully forgive and move on.
bury all things and such.
but if i can't even stand seeing his doppleganger, i doubt i could put the real version of him in my face and handle that .. much less with two other additions.
this is also silly, but i do miss delly. i saw her like practically every day for 6 months. she called me majeska. i liked it. and i miss having people to play buck-hunt with. i.. i miss having people i felt like i could trust. it's so so SO wounding to me, moreso than i think others, when people break my trust. it makes me feel so sick and used on the inside. so yucky.
if i could go back and change everything and do everything over... i just might.
fix everything, do everything right on my part. do everything as right as i possibly could. change everything that was within my power to change.
because like i said, i didn't just lose him. i lost a whole family to which he was my center.
ugh. i'm refusing to let myself cry so, my eyes and throat are having the effect like when you hold a sneeze in. they're getting all locked up. i just, i don't want to cry anymore. i want to be DONE with crying about this. repression, however, is never the answer.
buh.
oh, how i wish it was.
everything has just been a mess this week. it's all falling apart.
and all the while i keep wondering, how many false foundations have i built up? and how many times do they have to break from underneath me? and how long, sweet Jesus, will it be until i faithfully land on the foundation i built on You?
it's like having a 100 story house, and you're up in the attic and the floor breaks and you crash down to level 99. and things seem okay.. and safe. and you're a little rattled and confused, but generally okay. [CRASH.] floor 98. okay, few scrapes... [CRASH.] floor 97. few scrapes, few bruises but all in all okay. nothing broke--- [CRASH.] floor 96. there goes a few bones. [CRASH.] floors 95-67 ... oooh. that was a big one. but.. at least i'm still conscious right? [CRASH.] floors 66-43. ... how long have i been unconscious? how many times have i fallen? is this real? why did i build this house so poorly?! oh man.. i think this floor is safe... but i can hear some creaking below my body...
this is my life the last two months. and i know one day it will all be sewn together in some way or another by the love of Jesus, but for now, my heart has so many gaping holes. and a few pin pricks.
why all at once, God?
i will trust you. i WILL trust you. I will trust YOU. i will TRUST you. i will.
but i need some help. and encouragement.
Jesus, fill my empty heart up again with your love.
i need enough to compensate for the leaks.
----------
part two.
----------
so. God is hilarious. H I L A R I O U S.
i wrote this entry here at home, where we have no internet, with intentions of publishing it later when i get to my sister's tomorrow.
i opened up an old book to read before i go to bed and out slid my dvd i made of paige and i in 2007 when we had a fun weekend together. i taped a bunch of stupid stuff and fun stuff and stuff stuff and made a whole movie out of it. and i really needed to see it. i wanted to talk to her so badly tonight and just pour my heart out and cry to her because she is the only one that could listen and understand me. but it was too late to call. but i just wanted to hang out with her a little.
and Jesus gave me the dvd.
then, remember that statement i made about talking about the pain in front of the people that hurt me? kim wrote me on facebook asking about how i was. so, i opened up. i told her i was still hurt and that i was holding bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness towards her and ash. and i said i was sorry for it and that i know they wanted the best for me, but that i felt like the situation wasn't handled right and that it really hurt to see so many hands involved in my heart break.
and then we talked about getting together to all hang out.
well, wish granted i guess. i think we're gonna try for next weekend. it's the only weekend i have before intro starts. it's gonna be ... rough. but you gotta face your lions one at a time, i guess.
and it will be nice to have my friends back. i do love them. and the trust can be repaired and so can the friendships. they're a little dramatic for my tastes ;) but they still were the closest thing i had to best friends for nearly two years.
hrm. what on EARTH does God have up His sleeve? 0 comments
read it back to me, pietro.
good reads or good websites.
Team Van Voorst - Paige updates her life as wife, mom, and general frugal lady!
LG & Brian Alsbury - LisaGrace writes about being a new wife, matters of the heart, budgets and goals, and general awesome things.
Changing Again - Insight to Danielle's crazy world.
The Alexanders - Jess and Mike moved to Japan. Here is their side of the world.
Simple Mom - A great website devoted to simplicity.
Remodeling This Life. - Simple. Frugal. Fabulous. (She did an AMAZING home remodel based soley on cash.)
Mint - The EASIEST, most-AMAZING, FREE way to build a budget.
design*sponge. - Creative and original design ideas.
Organizing Your Way. - A personalized approach to decluttering your life.
SmittenKitchen - Seriously some of the BEST recipes i've ever come across. SO awesome.
go, mordecai!
good buys.
rare bird finds. - a collection of unique items.
fredflare! - a shop full of fun and functionality.
[etsy] - if you want anything handmade or vintage, look here.
mighty goods. - an updated collection of fun things.
threadless. - tshirts designed by everyday people.
raygun. - formerly smash, this is an independant shop in des moines that specializes in awesome shirts.
wildcat. wild...cat.
other good websites.
questionable content. - my favorite webcomic by jeph jacques. (contains swearing and adult situations.)
postsecret. - updated every sunday, this blog contains secrets sent in by individuals all over the world.
cute overload. - bad day? stare at picture of cute things. it helps.
is that a tic-tac?
layout credit.
Design : everlastingroses!
Inspiration : indreamsmaybe
Image : swimchick