[soundtrack while writing: How It Ends // DeVotchKa]

sometimes when your life has a few moments that really come ‘full circle’, you are left feeling not only trapped, but slightly confused at the same time. as if you are trying to navigate the lost forest and after six months, things start to look familiar…

it’s frustrating.

i mean, at least i’ve picked up some items along the way. my life feels a lot like some form of zelda right now. ‘cept this is a level i can’t seem to beat. and no one has a walkthrough, there are no cheats and the number one way that supposedly is going to get me out of here is to NOT move and to just wait.

waiting is the craps. FOR SERIOUS AND FOR TRUE.

it’s not the “waiting for” that’s the problem. i like waiting for things. especially when they’re things worth waiting for. i just haven’t been able to figure out how to understand the “waiting for” when everything seems really good now.

well, that’s not entirely true, i suppose.

there have been a few jewels my subconscious has unearthed that would make waiting a much better idea that even if all went to my heart’s plan, there would be a much better outcome. and who wouldn’t want that?

i suppose you all want details. that’s only fair, i guess. vague whatnots and hidden phrases hardly keep anyone captivated for the novel i’m about to punch out.

so.

there’s a boy.

surprise.

or, rather, i should say there *WAS* a boy.

no.. IS is more fitting.

i don’t know. let’s just say there was/is a boy. it jumps between past and present dilemmas. solved and unsolved. something of that nature.

okay. i’ll try to really block off a whole paragraph for you. if you haven’t noticed, my style of writing is more of a stream of consciousness rather than preformed thought. i hope you don’t mind.

let’s begin:

he was there. one day he wasn’t, and then he was. charming, of course. he caught my eye a few times, but i wasn’t at a point where i was willing to be distracted by charming, attractive men. proof that i can resist good things at some times. and we would joke and laugh and be friends. and i was content with friends and wasn’t realizing that in a few short days my subconscious was setting traps to sabotage my conscious friendship. i had no feelings for this boy and then one night, curled up in bed, i drifted off to sleep. where i had a dream that we were together. and it was magical. and when i woke up with a “BUH?”, i had warm fuzzies that lingered the whole day. which, has happened before, but usually after a couple days i can shake off the fake feelings. my subconscious did such a good planting job that here we are over a month later and i’m in way over my head. but anyway, so i spent a whole week trying, with dental floss rope, to stop the speeding train that is my heart. “he’s not interested”, i said. “there’s rumors he’s dating someone else”, i said. “move on,” i said. then.. i noticed him looking at me differently. and acting differently. being sweeter. more charming. a few other mannerisms changed. and i thought “surely, i must be crazy.. but this looks like he’s into me…” i consulted our mutual best friend, who also mentioned that it indeed appeared that he was into me. i got excited. “for once!” i said. “for once, i’ll win one!” famous last words, eh? you see, i don’t usually get mixed up with decent guys. i get mixed up with guys that say they’re decent. but they’re not. they say they love Jesus, but they don’t. or if they do, they’re not really trying hard at all. this man, has a good heart. i’ve seen it. he has a full grasp on what a relationship with Christ looks like, and no it’s not perfect, and he’s not perfect, but it is real. and what’s more attractive than a man who is in love with Jesus? ….nothing. anyway, after a week or so goes by, i’m realizing that i can’t tell if he’s into me or not. i can’t seem to pair up his actions with some things he says. or i can’t pair up some things he says with some actions. and then i get a text that says he found out and that he’d like to come talk to me about it. RIGHT. that sounds lovely. let me just be completely vulnerable and completely embarrassed to someone that, as i detected from that text, is now actually NOT interested in me at all. FABULOUS.

..so i went. and he forced me to look him in the eye. and he forced me to not squirm. and not ignore him. and he let me cry. but he said some of the nicest things to me. he told me that he was flattered yes, and did have some feelings towards me yes, but didn’t actually see them going very far and that he would never do me the dishonor of engaging in a relationship with me out of loneliness. there were other things said that i don’t remember because the whole experience was honestly so excruciating that i blocked most of it. but he told me it wasn’t because of me. because i was beautiful. like crazy beautiful. and i was amazing. one of the most amazing girls he’s ever met. and i had so many awesome qualities. he made a strong point that it wasn’t that i wasn’t good enough for him, or that i was lacking something. it just wouldn’t be.

so i shed two small tears and left feeling good and terrible at the same time. and we had talked about how nothing is different between any of us. (there are three. two of my best guy friends and me. and we all are finding deep relational connections between us all. it’s volatile, but nice.) so we all kept hanging out. and things were a little different, as i still kind of carried the shame and sting of rejection on my shoulders, but things were still the same. we joked the same. talked the same. shoved each other in store aisles the same. and if i had a problem, i’d talk it out with him. or rather, he’d notice i had a problem, wouldn’t let me keep it quiet, force me to talk it out with him and make me feel so completely safe and protected while he listened to all of the things i’m dealing with. all of my struggles. every last point of weakness.

and that’s kind of where we are. i’ve fallen into the small crack between two giant walls. i like him, still. naturally. who wouldn’t like all that? i’ve sat in the prayer room and desperately tried to pray all my feelings away. begging Jesus that “if they’re not of Him that they would be removed” as if that was the magical mantra that would solve all my problems. i’ve prayed for his wife since he’s certain she’s not me. i’ve asked that God would have her show up soon so i can get my mind off him. i’ve asked that someone else would catch my eye. i’ve captured every thought about him and life and love in my mind as if it were an illegal butterfly. caught in my net and then immediately thrown into the furnace to be destroyed. i’ve been careful where i let my mind wander. i’ve held my heart close. and let me tell you now, YOU CAN STILL GUARD YOUR HEART AS BEST AS POSSIBLE AND STILL GET HURT. just saying. sorry, if that was a little rough. but i’m tired of hearing all the ‘christian media’ talking about how guarding your heart will save you from heartbreak. it makes them not seem like real people. just plastic robots with gears and buttons where hearts and thought should be, full of unoriginal thought and nothing to say but techniques and catchphrases that manipulate God and yourself into the life you’ve always wanted. excuse me while i puke, that’s not what life is. and that’s not how we were designed. i’d love to segue into this more, but i must stay on task. so, in my own strength, nothing has worked. and i’ve asked for more of God’s strength because i know i cannot accomplish anything by my hands.

and i’m still in that crack between two giant walls. what are they? one wall is built by stepping down from the friendship. knowing that i am scared that if i linger in the land of ‘fun and games’, i’ll end up going down in flames. (oo, rhyming!) the other wall is built by exactly that. remaining good friends. enjoying what i can from the friendship. the concept that in a round of ‘all or nothing’, that something is still better. and i like being his friend. i just can’t seem to detach right now and separate feelings from friendship. and i honestly could get to that point. but i’m terrified i won’t. all of the excruciating, brutal heartbreak i experienced six months ago has left me shellshocked. but i’ve gone through a lot of healing. so though i may not be a broken girl anymore, i am still extremely fragile. the glue hasn’t entirely set yet.

so, that’s where we are.

and remember what i said a few paragraphs up:

there have been a few jewels my subconscious has unearthed that would make waiting a much better idea that even if all went to my heart’s plan, there would be a much better outcome. and who wouldn’t want that?

ah yes. that.

letting my mind off the leash to run rampant even in the safest of areas is still a danger.

in essence, i’m saying that maybe a+b is good, but my timing is off. which, no one will know the truth to until hindsight is a granted pleasure, and i’m not holding on to this concept. but if my timing is off, then i should use the moments and minutes i have to continue the process of being a better person. so one day i will be a better girlfriend, and then ultimately a better wife.

and if i can interject real quick — i am not a desperate girl searching for a husband. that is not who i am, that is not my portion and that is not what i am doing. i am not bouncing from man to man trying to find some identity fulfillment. my heart is only defined by God and that includes who i am. He alone is my judge. His words alone establish me. i am not a broken girl looking to someone else to fix me. by the blood of Jesus alone, i am restored. —

so, these ‘gems’ i’ve unearthed. either way, working on them will bring some means to an end as far as being a better person. and it is possible to apply them wrongly to this situation as if it was going to work out in the end. but even if it doesn’t, i’m still a more stable human being, so it’s a win either way. make sense?

but what are these ‘gems’?

i’ll try and be as transparent as possible. because what am i, if not honest?

1.) it’s the pursuit issue. if this were to work out (which once again, i am NOT holding out for.) BUT if this were to work out, would i really want my story to start with, “oh yes, well, i liked him and he wasn’t interested, so i kept all my interests and feelings out in the open until i changed his mind.” … uh. yeah. that sounds stupid. the story i want? “ah, yes. *smile* well, naturally he caught my eye. so i waited. and it took some time, and he chased after me. and through many veils he found me. and now we’re in love.” … much nicer. and ONE way or the other, THAT will be my story. whether by him or someone else. but i know well enough now that i can’t pursue. i can’t keep myself open to the core. that is definitely NOT guarding my heart. so, i’d like that to change in myself.

2.) my ex and i didn’t do a good job of keeping our hands to ourselves. i’m not real happy to be discussing this part, but i got rewired in ways not good. and putting me with a dude right now, when all of that is not entirely in check just yet… disaster. i would destroy him. because we as girls do have that capability if we do not restrain ourselves. ladies, if i could just make a point: you are far more seductive that you think you are. it’s a responsibility you carry, too. so for our brother’s sake. please, be good.

3.) remember that line about the glue not being set yet? yes. the timing, if for this alone, isn’t right. i’m still on the operating table. and my first idea shouldn’t be to run back into traffic after being brought back from the dead.

so.. those are the gems.

those alone are the only tools i have keeping me from making stupid mistakes.

it helps that i’m not entirely selfish this round, too. looking only to what i want. i want to honor and respect him and his lovely heart as much as possible. and if he’s not mine, he’s someone elses, and i’m tired of being the proverbial ‘other woman’ in the marriages that have yet to be.

but where does this put me?

back in that crack.

with no idea as to what to do.

i don’t want to stop being his friend. but i don’t think that these feelings will somehow diminish in his adorable presence. but i also don’t think that time will somehow also make him less attractive and desireable. but i don’t want to set myself up to go down in flames.

i don’t have the answers.

no one does.

honestly, i suppose all i can do is continue living in this crack until i get a hand up and out. keep honoring him. keep respecting him. keep getting to know him. keep guarding my heart. keep my focus on God. keep on keepin’ on. you know?

what else is a girl supposed to do?

and in your heart, you know it to be true.

you know what you gotta do.

it all depends on you.

-how it ends, devotchka.

yeah. that’s about right.