Scrappin' and Yellin' and Mixin' it up

it's a christmas miracle!

2010-11-08T20:26:00.000-06:00

so, after many prayers, tears and complete madness with God -- "i KNOW you can restore my blog. I KNOW YOU CAN. you are SOVEREIGN and YOU love ME. and you like doing things that make me happy. and i am invoking my authority as your child that my blog be restored to me because you are the God of restoration! you make all things new (as it says in your Word)"... you know, remindin' God of everything He didn't forget.

some guy (Brett, you are my favorite.) that works for blogger heard my weak cries and FIXED AND RESTORED EVERYTHING! HURRAH!

*does a dance* Praise Jesus. I love my life. I love my computer. I love the internet. I love that Brett guy. I love ... I am reconciling my love with google. I like my hair! I like my haircuts! ((did you ever see this video? haha. i love it.))

so yeah. welcome to the internet, bloggy.
brought back to life.

so good.

2010-10-25T15:10:00.000-05:00

http://www.tumblr.com/audio_file/1400171763/tumblr_laupdgW8YA1qccmt3

it's an owl city cover of "in Christ alone."

and that's why.

2010-10-25T14:49:00.003-05:00

some people you meet will be in your life for moments.
sometimes those moments last years.
and some people you meet are meant to be in your life for all of your years.
they are rarities.
they are gems.
and the world is not worthy of them.
and if you find one of them, you are most likely the most blessed person on the face of the earth.
and i have one.
and she is mine.
and i love her.

i love the way she made me laugh in high school.
i love how we both dropped anatomy. even though she begged me not to drop it and leave her behind when in fact she then dropped it first and attempted to leave ME behind.
i love how she only really wanted me to stay in anatomy so i could dissect the cat for her.
i love how we once made a super-lesbian barbie from the 60s. with crazy go-go boots.
i love that she couldn't take me on vacation with her for reals so instead, she bought a barbie that looked like me and took pictures of "us" all over mexico.
i love that she got really upset at me when i took barbie-her to a concert festival and got bored with some boys so we melted the barbie.
i love that she would cut out pictures of cute, old men and stick them in my locker.
i love that she would distract the vice principal with candy so he'd leave us alone. (worked every time.)
i love that she would talk to me all through art class and when we would get moved and forced to sit across the room from each other, that she would start to yell.
i love that we would trade one converse shoe and have mis-matched colors all day.
i love that she gave me her peace-sign converse. i still wear them. all the time.
i love that she was there when i got my lip pierced and when i had to come home and show my mom. (who cried.)
i love that she so greatly disliked my first boyfriend that she said she wanted to duct tape him to a light pole and shave his head.
i love that she always knows when i date skeevy boys.
i love the face she makes when she says the word skeevy.
i love that she made me a quilt with iron-on pictures of our life for my graduation present.
i love that i have an entire box full of things from her. and that it will ALWAYS be out for me to see.
i love that she speaks truth into my life on a consistent basis.
i love that we would watch pilates videos while eating ice cream.
i love that we would go on 2 a.m. fry runs while listening to jimmy eat world.
i love the mix tapes that i made to remind her of me.
i love her ability to make me cry every time summer would end and she would have to go back to college.
i love that she would invite me to her dorms for slumber parties.
i love that she never made me feel like she outgrew me.
i love that she was never embarrassed of me in front of her new friends, and if she was, she never showed it.
i love that even though she went to college hours away, we still made it work.
i love that she got married to someone so wonderful. (i can love this.)
and i love that i got to watch the entire thing unfold from friends to like to love to marriage to babies.
i love that i still think of her every time i watch friends.
i love that she genuinely thinks i'm funny.
i love that she just asked me "if i wasn't a celebrity would you be so into me?"
i love that we love nsync.
i love it when we go on road trips and she falls asleep in my car to quietly playing dave matthews band.
i love that i will NEVER forget any our of memories for as long as i shall live and even into the hereafter.
i love everything.
i love everything about her.
i love her.

and that's why.
that's why no one else will ever be as important to me than her.
i love you, paige.
the best friend any girl could have.

there you go, paigers.

2010-10-25T14:26:00.001-05:00

3 or 4 new blogs.
just for you.
'cause i loves your face.

my life, thus far.

2010-10-25T14:25:00.001-05:00

Here is, instead of a weekly update, a general overall of how things here have dramatically changed me. Enjoy :)

First off, I have been washed in the blood and come out spotless. The process of sitting before God with a broken, contrite heart has brought me to a deeper level of intimacy with my Maker — my Papa — than I could have ever imagined. All the knowledge I carried in my head all these years finally made it to my heart after I let Jesus tear down the walls I had constructed. I feel entirely brand new, with a renewed mind that is constantly moving from glory to glory.
Secondly, having gone through the Refiner’s fire, I have not been burned up as I had so often felt like I was going to be, but rather have come out shining as gold. My heart that was so broken and so bruised from losing a man I was madly in love with has been brought back not only to life, but to a life so much greater than what was before. Spence was fulfilling roles in my heart that were only for God. He had become my focus and more importantly to me than the things of God or listening to God’s plans for my life. So the consuming fire of the heart of the Father pursued me. In one move, He gave me up to the desires of my heart but also proved His eternal jealousy for me by removing all that hindered His love for me. I had to be pushed into the fire for His glory and my benefit. And I am infinitely grateful for His mercy in calling me deeper to Him.
My confidence in who I am is completely restored. And like it says in Hosea, I can now call Him my Husband rather than my Master. Where once I thought I had love for my King, I am now consumed with passion and zeal for Him and His purposes for me. My calling has been established: to not only dwell in the House of God forever but to guide people in; He has given me back my voice and enabled me to stand before others unashamed and unafraid of the darkness that once was hidden in my heart; to be like Isaiah 61 and preach good tidings to the poor and heal the broken-hearted, to proclaim FREEDOM to the captives and the opening of the prisons to those who are bound; to show others that we overcome by the word of our testimony and the blood of the Lamb (Rev. 12:11).
I know who I am and where I am going. A gift I never thought I would receive. I have a fire in my belly and a flame on my tongue for the Word of the Lord. I am growing in the strong prophetic gifting I carry and visions and dreams are already being poured out on my life, heart and mind. I would never trade this season for anything and will always look back on it as a pivotal moment for me — the best decision I’ve made yet for the best time of my life.

update on goals..

2010-10-25T14:24:00.002-05:00

yeah. well.

first block still is in effect. that’s an easy one. (no boys.)

second block .. once i declared that as being a goal it’s been RIDICULOUSLY hard to get myself out of bed. but i have been trying crazy hard not to eat so much garbage food. so that’s been … meh, so/so.

third block. i was writing down EVERY transaction for like a week, then accidentally took the notebook out of my bag.. then just kept telling myself i’d write it down when i get home. … yeah. that’s not happening. BACK ON THE HORSE!

fourth block. HA. (no, seriously. i’ve actually been doing good at this.)

fifth block. yeah. this has improved at least.

so..

progress is SLOW.

and most days it feels like this:

but, soon it will feel like this.

updates on these goals will follow over the next few weeks. by 2011, i’ll have ‘em down.

late night conversations.

2010-10-25T14:24:00.001-05:00

[me reading a facebook status that says “fireproof is the best movie.. ever!”]

me: fireproof is most definitely NOT the best movie ever.

roommate: i liked the concept and the message but the acting was horrible.

me: i know. i thought ‘if i wanted to watch something that terrible, i’d poop and then stare at it.’

roommate: oooooh! sassypants!

me: i know. i’m terrible.

roommate: so what.. is it a bunch of married people watching it?

me: no, single people.

roommate: THATS DUMB. they’re asking for it.

me: haha. for what?

roommate: i don’t know. IT.

late night conversations when i’m supposed to be cleaning my room.

so this is the new year..

2010-09-30T15:02:00.000-05:00

so, it's not really.

but, i do have some like ultra-ambitious goals i'm gonna accomplish before the new year hits.

they are as follows: ((SUPER LIST-- ASSEMBBBBLLLLEEEEEEEEEEE!))

no boys until Jan. 1, 2011. it sounds super lame to put it that way, but honestly, my focus needs to be on Jesus right now, and i am MUCH less stressed out when i'm all indifferent to our adorable-v neck wearing-fierce smellin'-charming counterparts. so, i'm lockin' in some more consecration time for Jesus.

okay, this is gonna break your brain i'm sure, because it actually broke mine. i, uh.. really want to start waking up earlier to spend an hour in the prayer room and 45 minutes in the gym. i know. WHUUUUTTT. but seriously. if i get up at 5:45, i can drive over to the prayer room, chill from 6-7 with some sweet Jesus time, then head over to the gym from 7-7:45 or so, then drive home, take a shower, eat breakfast, get ready and then be ready for class by 8:45-9:00. i'm kind of my worst enemy on all of this. but i really have honestly thought about this, and i'm tired of being a lazy pile. i want the life i want. and i'm not going to get it by sitting on my butt. and i'm desperate for a change and hungry for more of God's presence. so, even though track two starts on saturday, and it's gonna make me hella busy, i think i can do it. i'm twenty-four. it's time to stop acting like i'm in high school.

i've also start actually writing every transaction down. so i can keep my budget in check. and i think it's working. granted, it's a hard process and it's very convicting actually seeing how quickly money runs through my hands, but i know it will be good for me. i want to get to the point where i know where every dime and every dollar went.

and. and this might be the most shocking of all, but OH EM GEE I'VE STARTED TO MAKE MY BED AFTER I GET OUT OF IT. i know i know : who does that?!

also, NO EATING JUST BECAUSE I'M SAD OR GROUCHY. which happens a lot. and then i turn into this:

and i'm sure you're all saying:

and

but NO!

i'm gonna do it!

right, guys?

i've been begging God to give me the gift of hindsight.

2010-09-29T01:56:00.000-05:00

you say, don’t you mean foresight?

no.

i’m not interested in seeing things before they happen (more or less. it’d be a nice feature.)

but i am interested in knowing how things will end.

does that makes sense?

i’ve been asking, begging, praying.

hoping this burden to be lifted.

and it has.

it’s gone :)

i’m free.

free free free free.

i love God. and by Him alone is my heart fascinated.

all my boy drama is gone and a few remaining shards of glass that have been in my heart for years went with it.

and i have the hindsight i was looking for.

it’s beautiful.

i know, in full confidence, everything.

why it wouldn’t work, what is really going on.. things like that.

and .. wouldn’t you know,

the tables have turned.

and i’ll shortly be having the same brutal i’m-not-into-you conversation with a close friend just as my former crush did to me.

the irony of all this occuring this month.

the 25th would have marked spencer and i’s one year together.

i’ve crushed and been crushed and had to crush someone else all in the same month.

to God be the glory. for His wisdom and sovereignty over my life.

sweet, precious, amazing Jesus. if i ever pull this stunt again, please continue to extend your mercy my way.

I love You. even though it stings sometimes. even though i don’t understand. even though putting me through the fire leaves bruises, blisters and scars. Your love endures forever. Your mercy endures forever.

What can wash away my sin?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

What can make me whole again?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

2010-09-28T19:17:00.001-05:00

oh me, oh life.

2010-09-24T12:19:00.000-05:00

[soundtrack while writing: How It Ends // DeVotchKa]

sometimes when your life has a few moments that really come ‘full circle’, you are left feeling not only trapped, but slightly confused at the same time. as if you are trying to navigate the lost forest and after six months, things start to look familiar…

it’s frustrating.

i mean, at least i’ve picked up some items along the way. my life feels a lot like some form of zelda right now. ‘cept this is a level i can’t seem to beat. and no one has a walkthrough, there are no cheats and the number one way that supposedly is going to get me out of here is to NOT move and to just wait.

waiting is the craps. FOR SERIOUS AND FOR TRUE.

it’s not the “waiting for” that’s the problem. i like waiting for things. especially when they’re things worth waiting for. i just haven’t been able to figure out how to understand the “waiting for” when everything seems really good now.

well, that’s not entirely true, i suppose.

there have been a few jewels my subconscious has unearthed that would make waiting a much better idea that even if all went to my heart’s plan, there would be a much better outcome. and who wouldn’t want that?

i suppose you all want details. that’s only fair, i guess. vague whatnots and hidden phrases hardly keep anyone captivated for the novel i’m about to punch out.

so.

there’s a boy.

surprise.

or, rather, i should say there *WAS* a boy.

no.. IS is more fitting.

i don’t know. let’s just say there was/is a boy. it jumps between past and present dilemmas. solved and unsolved. something of that nature.

okay. i’ll try to really block off a whole paragraph for you. if you haven’t noticed, my style of writing is more of a stream of consciousness rather than preformed thought. i hope you don’t mind.

let’s begin:

he was there. one day he wasn’t, and then he was. charming, of course. he caught my eye a few times, but i wasn’t at a point where i was willing to be distracted by charming, attractive men. proof that i can resist good things at some times. and we would joke and laugh and be friends. and i was content with friends and wasn’t realizing that in a few short days my subconscious was setting traps to sabotage my conscious friendship. i had no feelings for this boy and then one night, curled up in bed, i drifted off to sleep. where i had a dream that we were together. and it was magical. and when i woke up with a “BUH?”, i had warm fuzzies that lingered the whole day. which, has happened before, but usually after a couple days i can shake off the fake feelings. my subconscious did such a good planting job that here we are over a month later and i’m in way over my head. but anyway, so i spent a whole week trying, with dental floss rope, to stop the speeding train that is my heart. “he’s not interested”, i said. “there’s rumors he’s dating someone else”, i said. “move on,” i said. then.. i noticed him looking at me differently. and acting differently. being sweeter. more charming. a few other mannerisms changed. and i thought “surely, i must be crazy.. but this looks like he’s into me…” i consulted our mutual best friend, who also mentioned that it indeed appeared that he was into me. i got excited. “for once!” i said. “for once, i’ll win one!” famous last words, eh? you see, i don’t usually get mixed up with decent guys. i get mixed up with guys that say they’re decent. but they’re not. they say they love Jesus, but they don’t. or if they do, they’re not really trying hard at all. this man, has a good heart. i’ve seen it. he has a full grasp on what a relationship with Christ looks like, and no it’s not perfect, and he’s not perfect, but it is real. and what’s more attractive than a man who is in love with Jesus? ….nothing. anyway, after a week or so goes by, i’m realizing that i can’t tell if he’s into me or not. i can’t seem to pair up his actions with some things he says. or i can’t pair up some things he says with some actions. and then i get a text that says he found out and that he’d like to come talk to me about it. RIGHT. that sounds lovely. let me just be completely vulnerable and completely embarrassed to someone that, as i detected from that text, is now actually NOT interested in me at all. FABULOUS.

..so i went. and he forced me to look him in the eye. and he forced me to not squirm. and not ignore him. and he let me cry. but he said some of the nicest things to me. he told me that he was flattered yes, and did have some feelings towards me yes, but didn’t actually see them going very far and that he would never do me the dishonor of engaging in a relationship with me out of loneliness. there were other things said that i don’t remember because the whole experience was honestly so excruciating that i blocked most of it. but he told me it wasn’t because of me. because i was beautiful. like crazy beautiful. and i was amazing. one of the most amazing girls he’s ever met. and i had so many awesome qualities. he made a strong point that it wasn’t that i wasn’t good enough for him, or that i was lacking something. it just wouldn’t be.

so i shed two small tears and left feeling good and terrible at the same time. and we had talked about how nothing is different between any of us. (there are three. two of my best guy friends and me. and we all are finding deep relational connections between us all. it’s volatile, but nice.) so we all kept hanging out. and things were a little different, as i still kind of carried the shame and sting of rejection on my shoulders, but things were still the same. we joked the same. talked the same. shoved each other in store aisles the same. and if i had a problem, i’d talk it out with him. or rather, he’d notice i had a problem, wouldn’t let me keep it quiet, force me to talk it out with him and make me feel so completely safe and protected while he listened to all of the things i’m dealing with. all of my struggles. every last point of weakness.

and that’s kind of where we are. i’ve fallen into the small crack between two giant walls. i like him, still. naturally. who wouldn’t like all that? i’ve sat in the prayer room and desperately tried to pray all my feelings away. begging Jesus that “if they’re not of Him that they would be removed” as if that was the magical mantra that would solve all my problems. i’ve prayed for his wife since he’s certain she’s not me. i’ve asked that God would have her show up soon so i can get my mind off him. i’ve asked that someone else would catch my eye. i’ve captured every thought about him and life and love in my mind as if it were an illegal butterfly. caught in my net and then immediately thrown into the furnace to be destroyed. i’ve been careful where i let my mind wander. i’ve held my heart close. and let me tell you now, YOU CAN STILL GUARD YOUR HEART AS BEST AS POSSIBLE AND STILL GET HURT. just saying. sorry, if that was a little rough. but i’m tired of hearing all the ‘christian media’ talking about how guarding your heart will save you from heartbreak. it makes them not seem like real people. just plastic robots with gears and buttons where hearts and thought should be, full of unoriginal thought and nothing to say but techniques and catchphrases that manipulate God and yourself into the life you’ve always wanted. excuse me while i puke, that’s not what life is. and that’s not how we were designed. i’d love to segue into this more, but i must stay on task. so, in my own strength, nothing has worked. and i’ve asked for more of God’s strength because i know i cannot accomplish anything by my hands.

and i’m still in that crack between two giant walls. what are they? one wall is built by stepping down from the friendship. knowing that i am scared that if i linger in the land of ‘fun and games’, i’ll end up going down in flames. (oo, rhyming!) the other wall is built by exactly that. remaining good friends. enjoying what i can from the friendship. the concept that in a round of ‘all or nothing’, that something is still better. and i like being his friend. i just can’t seem to detach right now and separate feelings from friendship. and i honestly could get to that point. but i’m terrified i won’t. all of the excruciating, brutal heartbreak i experienced six months ago has left me shellshocked. but i’ve gone through a lot of healing. so though i may not be a broken girl anymore, i am still extremely fragile. the glue hasn’t entirely set yet.

so, that’s where we are.

and remember what i said a few paragraphs up:

there have been a few jewels my subconscious has unearthed that would make waiting a much better idea that even if all went to my heart’s plan, there would be a much better outcome. and who wouldn’t want that?

ah yes. that.

letting my mind off the leash to run rampant even in the safest of areas is still a danger.

in essence, i’m saying that maybe a+b is good, but my timing is off. which, no one will know the truth to until hindsight is a granted pleasure, and i’m not holding on to this concept. but if my timing is off, then i should use the moments and minutes i have to continue the process of being a better person. so one day i will be a better girlfriend, and then ultimately a better wife.

and if i can interject real quick — i am not a desperate girl searching for a husband. that is not who i am, that is not my portion and that is not what i am doing. i am not bouncing from man to man trying to find some identity fulfillment. my heart is only defined by God and that includes who i am. He alone is my judge. His words alone establish me. i am not a broken girl looking to someone else to fix me. by the blood of Jesus alone, i am restored. —

so, these ‘gems’ i’ve unearthed. either way, working on them will bring some means to an end as far as being a better person. and it is possible to apply them wrongly to this situation as if it was going to work out in the end. but even if it doesn’t, i’m still a more stable human being, so it’s a win either way. make sense?

but what are these ‘gems’?

i’ll try and be as transparent as possible. because what am i, if not honest?

1.) it’s the pursuit issue. if this were to work out (which once again, i am NOT holding out for.) BUT if this were to work out, would i really want my story to start with, “oh yes, well, i liked him and he wasn’t interested, so i kept all my interests and feelings out in the open until i changed his mind.” … uh. yeah. that sounds stupid. the story i want? “ah, yes. *smile* well, naturally he caught my eye. so i waited. and it took some time, and he chased after me. and through many veils he found me. and now we’re in love.” … much nicer. and ONE way or the other, THAT will be my story. whether by him or someone else. but i know well enough now that i can’t pursue. i can’t keep myself open to the core. that is definitely NOT guarding my heart. so, i’d like that to change in myself.

2.) my ex and i didn’t do a good job of keeping our hands to ourselves. i’m not real happy to be discussing this part, but i got rewired in ways not good. and putting me with a dude right now, when all of that is not entirely in check just yet… disaster. i would destroy him. because we as girls do have that capability if we do not restrain ourselves. ladies, if i could just make a point: you are far more seductive that you think you are. it’s a responsibility you carry, too. so for our brother’s sake. please, be good.

3.) remember that line about the glue not being set yet? yes. the timing, if for this alone, isn’t right. i’m still on the operating table. and my first idea shouldn’t be to run back into traffic after being brought back from the dead.

so.. those are the gems.

those alone are the only tools i have keeping me from making stupid mistakes.

it helps that i’m not entirely selfish this round, too. looking only to what i want. i want to honor and respect him and his lovely heart as much as possible. and if he’s not mine, he’s someone elses, and i’m tired of being the proverbial ‘other woman’ in the marriages that have yet to be.

but where does this put me?

back in that crack.

with no idea as to what to do.

i don’t want to stop being his friend. but i don’t think that these feelings will somehow diminish in his adorable presence. but i also don’t think that time will somehow also make him less attractive and desireable. but i don’t want to set myself up to go down in flames.

i don’t have the answers.

no one does.

honestly, i suppose all i can do is continue living in this crack until i get a hand up and out. keep honoring him. keep respecting him. keep getting to know him. keep guarding my heart. keep my focus on God. keep on keepin’ on. you know?

what else is a girl supposed to do?

and in your heart, you know it to be true.

you know what you gotta do.

it all depends on you.

-how it ends, devotchka.

yeah. that’s about right.

o.O

2010-07-01T21:59:00.001-05:00

WHOA. WHOA WHOA WHOA.

uh.

my SIX MONTH internship [intro to IHOP] starts tomorrow.

whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttt.

MUCH prayer please.

2010-06-30T12:53:00.001-05:00

[repost from tumblr] to everyone. love, my heart.

2010-06-15T23:37:00.000-05:00

to the older men:

you are all doing a great job turning into the men God wants you to be. don’t be scared of the future and never let anyone tell you that you are worth less than you are. you are mighty, courageous and have everything you need already inside you. but i do ask one thing of you during your season of growth: be careful with hearts. it seems odd to say, as if all of you are merciless heartbreakers — i know you’re not, but please. hear me out. we are all broken people. we all have wounds from our parents, from our peers, from people we love and respect and even from people we barely know. sometimes we don’t know we’re wounded so we can’t ask for healing from Jesus. sometimes we know and we ask and it takes time. no one will ever be perfectly healed or 100% fixed in this age, but i want to make a point. when you are wounded in the deepest parts of your heart, you are virtually unable to engage in a healthy, romantic relationship with someone else without the great risk of wounding them and vice versa. until you fully love God, you can’t fully love someone else. and she will end up taking a place in your heart that isn’t rightfully hers. she can’t fix you. in the long run, she won’t make you feel better. sure, she loves you and would do anything for you, but she can’t do what you need. use this time ever so wisely. draw nearer to Jesus and let him refine you for the time when He will give you the woman He has chosen for you. your perfect match. she won’t be perfect, but she will be perfect for you.

until that point, please. please. just out of wisdom - save the “i love you”s until there is a ring. i know a lot of people that sidestep this and do fine, but i have been a casualty MANY times over and it’s just so much better this way. whatever you think, they aren’t just three little words. they’re three BIG words that everyone has been waiting to hear since they day they could breathe.

and until that ring is on that finger, don’t say things like “when you’re my wife,” or “when we get married”. she will cling to those words and God-forbid anything happens or goes wrong, but if it does, those words that used to be so sweet in her ear will turn to bitter poison so quickly.

we women know you’re trying. you don’t have it figured out anymore than we do. and heartbreak is a part of life. people change minds and that’s okay. life changes, hearts change, what we want changes and our ability to receive more love from God changes. so please, don’t take this as a note of condemnation. i love you boys more than anything — like my brothers. and i want you so badly to honestly treat us like sisters the way you’re supposed to. 1 tim 5:2 “Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters.”

even if you have made mistakes, broken hearts — broken girls, said i love yous too early, it’s okay. you’re not horrible. but you do have an obligation to do better the next time around. i know you’re all going to make it. you’re going to be great. just like peter from the chronicles of narnia.. you’re going to be magnificent. i believe in you. God believes in you. just be careful with us.

to the young boys:

my little brothers. the world is bright and beautiful before you. never lose that sparkle in your eye, the joy in your laughter or the extra bounce in your step. life will present itself with new challenges every day — you can face them. you can overcome them. and you will be stronger and better because of it. never fear anything, the world is yours. you are beyond precious in Jesus’ eyes and i know that’s not the manliest word for you, but believe me. He loves the fight in your heart and in your spirit. He made you that way, after all. let me just say this — it’s okay. it’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to be confused, it’s okay to have no idea what’s going on. believe me, i’m twenty-four almost and i feel the same way :). that being said, now is not the time to focus on your lady friends. i know their attention feels amazing and you have so many feelings all at once and so many things you want to say to them. but the problem here is that so many of them have ears that BURN for the things you want to say. referencing timothy again - treat all women with the purity of sisters. it’s not all innocent love. it’s not all fun and games. real feelings are just that— real. i don’t doubt that you may feel ‘in love’. don’t let anyone judge you on that. what you feel is exactly what you feel and no one else can tell you otherwise. love and it’s definition will change over time for you. but i promise, if you focus on growing into the man of God you want to be, enjoying your friendships and spending time building healthy, godly relationships (friends or otherwise) with those around you, you will be a much happier person as time goes on. don’t worry about anything. fitting in seems important now, and goodness sakes do i remember how it felt to not fit in, but let me tell you this. God defines you. nothing in this life has any hold on you, any say on who you’re going to become. you choose who you want to be and God’s love and strength will get you there. enjoy this time with your sisters and keep it at just that. my heart literally breaks for you, my brothers. this whole letter was spurred on by a random facebook posting i read between two young kids i used to know. barely in high school. exchanging ‘i love yous’ and ‘you’re the love of my life’. even if she is… she’s not. be wise in your words and actions. GUARD your heart for it is the wellspring of life. - words to live by. i love you my little brothers. you are, and who you are turning into is going to be great.

to the older women:

they never warned us properly. they think they did. but they didn’t. or if they did we would have listened, right? … wrong. my beloveds, we were told to guard our hearts. we were told that beautiful but ridiculously cliché somethingsomething about ‘a woman should be so veiled by God that a man has to go through Him to find her’. yeah. very true. but so few of us grasped that concept in proper time. can i just say a few things? and do not doubt me on this, my darlings; do not figure that i am being polite, or that i say these things because i do not know you therefore i do not know what i am talking about. i speak with wisdom towards you and from God’s heart into mine to yours.

YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.

you are. every inch of you, every bit you don’t like. you don’t believe me? you don’t think i know what i’m talking about? beloveds, i had a list, a real factual list of things i hated about myself. “..my wrists. my fingers. my shoulders. my nose when i smile. my smile. that one tooth that sticks out just a bit. my hair. my toes. my calves. my skin. my knees. my legs. my shoulder blades..” it almost came down to the fact that i hated every inch of my body. i spent years idolizing other people. wishing down to my bones i could be someone else or look like someone else. i felt like i was surely a mistake. that i was formed out of some broken mold. everyone else was beautiful — why wasn’t i? oh! how i wish i could take the years back so i could have embraced myself! i wish i could go back in time and either slap myself or hug myself or both. we are beautiful. do you know how PapaDaddy God feels when we say things like that about ourselves? He hurts. He so desperately wants us to see ourselves how He see us. not how others see us — not even how we see ourselves. there are evil spirits that come to us when we stand before our mirror — the new idol of this age — and they whisper lies to us. lies we think are our thoughts. lies about how things would be better if they were different. if something was bigger. if something else was smaller. STOP. stop listening. break all agreements with those lies. you are precious. isaiah 62:4 “but you shall be called hephzibah..for the Lord delights in you”. God delights in you. DELIGHTS. in YOU. delight is another way of saying ‘great pleasure’. Papa takes great pleasure in you. let Him define you. He created you, He loved you, He died for you so much because He wants to spend eternity with you. we chase these unfaithful lovers searching for the one who will love us with all they have — yet we fail to realize that was Jesus. fall in love with Him first, then fall in love with a man. but that being said, you don’t need a man to tell you you’re beautiful. you don’t need a man to feel loved. you don’t need to have men chase after you so you can feel like you have value. give all of those hurts to Jesus and i promise promise He will sew your wounded heart back together better than before. and i promise promise, when your heart is beautifully fixed by Jesus, it will be the best gift that your husband could ever receive. give it away at the right time. and ask the Holy Spirit when that time is. and please, do not do what i did. LISTEN if the Holy Spirit says no. even if he’s beautiful. even if he’s perfect. even if everything looks awesome from where you stand. because the destruction that lies in wait for you is unbelievably and on occasion unbearably painful. let Jesus fix your heart, then guard it, then don’t awaken love until it’s time, and then ask the Holy Spirit when it’s time. that’s the recipe for true love. the kind you’re waiting for.

to the younger girls:

oh. my beautiful little sisters. i look upon you with just the slightest twinge of jealousy. i never looked that good when i was your age. your hair, your skin, your eyes. you’re intensely beautiful. you’re radiant. do you know why? it’s your heart. proverbs 27:19 “As in water face reflects face, So a man’s heart reveals the man.” your beautiful heart reflects out into your beautiful face. i implore you, keep it that way. listen to your daddy on earth if He is of good heart and good conscience and even moreso, listen to your Papa in heaven. there is nothing more painful to watch than a young girl get her heart brutally broken in a time that wasn’t right. enjoy your youth. i know, everyone says that. but believe me. you have plenty of time to wear make up, fret about what cute boy is staring at you, and whether or not so and so like-likes you. because it doesn’t change much, even when you twenty-four. but the difference is embracing who you are. not being afraid to be different. we were all made in God’s image, but it’s not like he only had four parts, or eight parts to that image as if there are only 4 or 8 different types of people on the earth. we were created in His image and from His heart. that means each one of you has specific aspects of the Father shining out from you. cherish those parts. just like you can look at your face and see features from your earthly father, you can look at your heart, your personality, your spirit and see features like PapaDaddy’s. you are beautiful. you are loved. you are worth more than all of the stars and all of the seas and all of the whole earth. and i’m not just saying that - Jesus said so. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing you for one second that He stepped up to that cross and held on tight through all of the pain, all of the agony so that you, my darling little sister, would know how much He really loves you. it’s a mad crazy time right now, isn’t it? the world around you is changing… even in the short years it’s been since i was your age, it’s an entirely different ballgame. but you know what doesn’t change? God. and His Word. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and His Word will endure forever. so even though things are complex and there is a lot in your heart and in your mind, the way God feels about you will never change. He wants to protect you, to hedge you in, to hide you away in the cleft of the rock for His glory. let Him love you. let Him use His loving hands to mold your heart into the most beautiful shape. it won’t be easy all the time and sometimes it will hurt. but it will be glorious. and these boys? they’re twice as confused as you are. believe me. they don’t understand a word of what they’re saying or what they’re doing. when you feel that little pinprick in your spirit — when your tummy does a little jump — listen to it. know that if you listen to your heart you won’t go wrong, but your heart has to listen to Jesus first. it’s okay to be too young for things. like i said, there will be plenty of time for you to grow up. but you have to enjoy the process. be the beautiful young girl you are. spread your love and your joy to others. don’t let anyone or anything draw you away from God. nothing is better, nothing and no one will love you more, and He will NEVER hurt you the way they can. but He can fix all things. if you have been broken, hurt, confused or abused in one way or the other — never fear. it’s not permanent. it feels like it is though, doesn’t it? i assure you there is hope. it’s not. Jesus fixes all of it. every last bit. but you have to let Him fix it. like i said to the older women — fall in love with Jesus. when you do, after a few years go by, you will be even more of a beautiful creation — your countenance will still shine but now it will shine Jesus’ face. and to a god-fearing man, that’s irresistible. but that’s down the road, maybe many years. so while you wait. while you be patient and slow down from all this growing up you’re trying so hard to do, just focus your pretty little eyes upon Jesus. look full in His wonderful face, and the things of this world, will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

i love you all. sorry it was long. but i had to get it out there. if any of you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask either here [http://whenjeskasparks.tumblr.com/ask] or here [http://www.facebook.com/whenjeskasparks].

help.

2010-06-15T08:19:00.001-05:00

dear Jesus.

i need help. mom and dad are having a hard time financially and i feel like i’m becoming such a burden to them since they’re the only ones that are supporting me. they provide and take care of everything for me, so i can be here at IHOP learning about You. but they’re running out of money and they have their own things to worry about. so, i need help. i need other supporters. i need people that want to partner with me financially. i try to raise and generate all of it, but i don’t get anywhere and instead people say hurtful things about me. i’m stuck, Papa. i need Your help. please, please, please hear me. please be Yahweh-Rapha. tell me what to do, where to go, who to talk to. i need help. help me, help me, help me. please.

love,

me.

a few things.

2010-06-13T21:48:00.000-05:00

oh, nbd.

My saturday?
went to a really REALLY small town back in iowa (home state) for my brother in law’s brother’s rodeo.
oh, and john reuben was playing a show (very small show!) at the school. stopped in, danced, sang, shouted… then hung out with john, seth and johnathan at the rodeo. it was fun.

i like john. he is always fun to watch and very nice. i’ll scan my poloroids from the show and post them. he liked them so much i gave him one from the show and one from the rodeo.

so, my saturday? hung out with johnreu at a rodeo in a small town in iowa. nbd.

randomosity.

-finally (so late in the game) watched the lion, the witch & the wardrobe. it was awwwwwwwesome. but it totally felt, even after the like two and a half hours that it was too short. like they crammed too much into to small of a time. which they did. and naturally i cried my eyes out when Aslan died. i whispered, “oh. Jesus, no.” and then wished i could hug his furry mane.

-i am crazy hungry.

-oh, and then sleeping after narnia? i had multiple hallucinations (not odd for me) of the kids standing around me, or being in narnia. that doesn’t help sleepin’ much.

-owning a ferret is one of my biggest regrets. (and i loved that ferret.)

-i love my nephew but i dislike taking him places when he isn’t wearing his “my aunt said i could” shirt… i feel that people automatically assume he’s my baby. which isn’t bad… but since he’s not, i don’t want them thinking he is. … is that weird?

-i hate it when you wake up to do something, for even just a moment, then you’re too awake to go to sleep, but you know you need to, and you’re hungry. ‘cause that makes it so hard to sleep. i wake up at 5.50 then drive to my sister’s, hop on the computer for a tick, and then usually go to sleep. but now i’m kind of awake.. and i’m definitely hungry. but if i eat then i am really REALLY awake.. dilemma!

-also, i am a movie talker. you know, one of those “must commentary at all times” types. i can turn it off.. but i really enjoy doing it. so, if you don’t like people who tend to talk then don’t watch a movie with me.

-wafflecrisp is quite possible the greatest cereal ever invented. if i could live my life eating only cereal and still be healthy… i totally would.

oh, how he loves us so.

2010-06-09T21:58:00.000-05:00

sometimes i get the urge to write in a similar manner to when you feel sick and you need to throw up.
my mind is sick and i need to get it out of my system.

today was a rough day.
i'm not sure it was entirely necessary for spencer's identical twin (seriously. this dude was spot on.) to waltz around the pool when i was there with my sister. really, fate? is that necessary? ((and if i can say so, in honestly the nicest way possible, this dude was better looking by just a scosh.))

and last night i fell to pieces over some stuff that i can't talk about on the internet by request of other people who were involved. but if you want to discuss it privately, contact me.
it's just so frustrating.
and i don't understand any of it.

this week has been a rough week of attack.
the incident combined with our mailbox key not working... i know it's not a big deal, but i know i have letters in there. and i really want them. and then seeing the almost-spencer today... it's been too much. and i'm realizing i haven't forgiven anyone just yet, or at least not entirely. everything is done in layers, and another one peeled back today. it's like i said a few blogs down, the thing is about healing is that you would never know you're getting any better because each layer feels worse than the last.
i know God is on it. and i know i can trust Him. but i'm not resting in that trust. because it's hard. i'm just.. ugh. i might cry again. i put on "how he loves us" [david crowder version] and blasted it as loud as i could in my car and just cried and cried and cried. then Jesus showed up and sat next to me and held my hand and cried with me and it was nice to have Him there for a little bit. but it doesn't fix things. because His love does fix -- but often not instantaneously. it's all a process, and excuse me for saying things in such a harsh language but DAMMIT, I HATE PROCESS.
seriously.
i just want to be done with this.
it's like having the flu for two months. every few days you throw up and cry and feel really REALLY bad. and then you're fine for a few days. then you get all sorts of sick again. this is how my heart feels.
my sister made some comment about whether or not his family was "pow-wowing" against me still and honestly i hadn't thought about it. but when i started to... it really really hurt. are they saying things about me behind my back? are they saying that i'm "another crazy girlfriend" or "we knew she wasn't right for you the whole time" or "she was so immature" or "thank God spence dodged that bullet." ....
am...
am i a bullet?

...

i mean, am i a bullet, to them?
and i know it doesn't matter even if i am.
but i am a nice person. a nice, sane, totally loveable, amazingly wonderful, giving, loving, patient, kind, tenderhearted person. and it stings my heart to think of someone misunderstanding me so greatly.
i will say that my worth is defined by God, but i won't say that it doesn't hurt when people think like that.

i tried my absolute BEST to be the best girlfriend, best friend, best girl your son/brother/brother-in-law is dating. tried my absolute HARDEST. if they needed anything i could have provided i would have done it in a heart beat. organs, items, pints of blood.. anything. because i loved them. i saw them as my future family. they, apparently, saw me as a future disaster waiting to happen.
and maybe they were right. i'm not saying that.
but, it still hurts.
to feel like i was conspired against.
and it's already hard enough to forgive people.
but it's extra hard to forgive them when it seems like they don't understand why they hurt you in the first place.

i could handle him breaking my heart. but it was like a whole collective of people that were bent on tearing me open.
and i know,
i know,
i KNOW that wasn't what they intended to do. but please, try to see it from my side. not only does he break up with me and shatter my heart, but the people i had previously counted on for support instead agreed that shattered=good and that it should have been done a long time ago. or i don't know...

it's been two months.

which in the grande scheme of time is like half a millisecond of an eyeblink.
but it still is time.
some part of me wants to go back and sit them all down and just... talk it out, i guess. i doubt i could do it with just me v. them. but i want to plead my case of how much hurt i feel, and maybe then after expressing it all, i could fully forgive and move on.
bury all things and such.
but if i can't even stand seeing his doppleganger, i doubt i could put the real version of him in my face and handle that .. much less with two other additions.

this is also silly, but i do miss delly. i saw her like practically every day for 6 months. she called me majeska. i liked it. and i miss having people to play buck-hunt with. i.. i miss having people i felt like i could trust. it's so so SO wounding to me, moreso than i think others, when people break my trust. it makes me feel so sick and used on the inside. so yucky.

if i could go back and change everything and do everything over... i just might.
fix everything, do everything right on my part. do everything as right as i possibly could. change everything that was within my power to change.
because like i said, i didn't just lose him. i lost a whole family to which he was my center.

ugh. i'm refusing to let myself cry so, my eyes and throat are having the effect like when you hold a sneeze in. they're getting all locked up. i just, i don't want to cry anymore. i want to be DONE with crying about this. repression, however, is never the answer.
buh.
oh, how i wish it was.

everything has just been a mess this week. it's all falling apart.
and all the while i keep wondering, how many false foundations have i built up? and how many times do they have to break from underneath me? and how long, sweet Jesus, will it be until i faithfully land on the foundation i built on You?
it's like having a 100 story house, and you're up in the attic and the floor breaks and you crash down to level 99. and things seem okay.. and safe. and you're a little rattled and confused, but generally okay. [CRASH.] floor 98. okay, few scrapes... [CRASH.] floor 97. few scrapes, few bruises but all in all okay. nothing broke--- [CRASH.] floor 96. there goes a few bones. [CRASH.] floors 95-67 ... oooh. that was a big one. but.. at least i'm still conscious right? [CRASH.] floors 66-43. ... how long have i been unconscious? how many times have i fallen? is this real? why did i build this house so poorly?! oh man.. i think this floor is safe... but i can hear some creaking below my body...

this is my life the last two months. and i know one day it will all be sewn together in some way or another by the love of Jesus, but for now, my heart has so many gaping holes. and a few pin pricks.

why all at once, God?
i will trust you. i WILL trust you. I will trust YOU. i will TRUST you. i will.
but i need some help. and encouragement.
Jesus, fill my empty heart up again with your love.
i need enough to compensate for the leaks.

----------
part two.
----------

so. God is hilarious. H I L A R I O U S.
i wrote this entry here at home, where we have no internet, with intentions of publishing it later when i get to my sister's tomorrow.
i opened up an old book to read before i go to bed and out slid my dvd i made of paige and i in 2007 when we had a fun weekend together. i taped a bunch of stupid stuff and fun stuff and stuff stuff and made a whole movie out of it. and i really needed to see it. i wanted to talk to her so badly tonight and just pour my heart out and cry to her because she is the only one that could listen and understand me. but it was too late to call. but i just wanted to hang out with her a little.
and Jesus gave me the dvd.

then, remember that statement i made about talking about the pain in front of the people that hurt me? kim wrote me on facebook asking about how i was. so, i opened up. i told her i was still hurt and that i was holding bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness towards her and ash. and i said i was sorry for it and that i know they wanted the best for me, but that i felt like the situation wasn't handled right and that it really hurt to see so many hands involved in my heart break.
and then we talked about getting together to all hang out.

well, wish granted i guess. i think we're gonna try for next weekend. it's the only weekend i have before intro starts. it's gonna be ... rough. but you gotta face your lions one at a time, i guess.
and it will be nice to have my friends back. i do love them. and the trust can be repaired and so can the friendships. they're a little dramatic for my tastes ;) but they still were the closest thing i had to best friends for nearly two years.

hrm. what on EARTH does God have up His sleeve?

checkin' in!

2010-06-09T08:18:00.001-05:00

i made some new years resolutions. shall we see how i'm doing? i removed ones i don't give a crap about anymore. does that make it less official?

[task goals.]

* fully learn a new language. (hopefully japanese.) [[okay, well, i'm not there yet. but i have started picking up some russian...]]
* ~~move into my own place.~~ [[success.]]
* paint more.
* ~~read more books.~~ [[in the last two months i have read: the Gospels, acts, romans, and i'm partly through 1 cor. then i also read azusa street, the ultimate treasure hunt, and the unquenchable fire. then just for kicks i read angus, thongs and full frontal snogging (which is not as funny as it used to be.) and just last night read book two in the series. i think i'm doing okay on this front.]]
* go to san diego, chicago, new york, phoenix, and denver.
* learn how to successfully save money and manage my finances. [[HA.]]
* fully transition into eating only organic food. +more veggies and less other things. [[just went to the store. first three things in my hand? one pack nutty bars, two packs oreos. whoops.]]
* be completely out of credit card debt. ~~DAY ONE SUCCESS!~~ [[well. it was. but now it's not. NEAT. i have it under control as usual.]]
* ~~get more involved in the community.~~ [[welcome to ihop!]]
* ~~write more letters to people...setting apart a specific night called "letter" night. or something.~~ [[yes! the great letter tuesday has begun!]]
* actually take my expensive vitamins instead of just looking at them. [[cough. they're in my closet. on the top shelf.]]

[personal goals.]

* ~~have more fun.~~ [[i'm like havin' crazy fun here. granted a lot is NOT crazy fun. but that's the pendulum.]]
* ~~be more adventureous.~~ [[moved to a NEW city in a NEW state on a somewhat whim. there's adventure for you.]]
* ~~stir up some trouble and not be afraid.~~ [[this was more like "not be afraid of making decisions even if they're bad." and i think i'm faithful to it.]]
* conquer everything.
* ~~fall more in love with God.~~ [[always room for improvement, though.]]
* be a better daughter, sister, ~~coworker~~, friend, and ~~girlfriend.~~ [[this has an 'ouch' to it just looking at it. 'specially that last one. ow.]]
* ~~serve more.~~ [[i think i'm really doing good on this one. but these should always be improving.]]

what a friend we have in Jesus.

2010-05-25T22:03:00.002-05:00

hi.
how are you?
my heart is still broken.
i burned all of his old letters and everything.. except two polaroids. i couldn't bear to burn the pictures. i'm sure that day will come though.
i cried a whole bunch.
it still all hurts though.
that's the silly thing with healing.. it's all done in layers. and you don't realize that you're getting better because each layer feels worse than the previous one.
i'm stuck in the land of wishing i could forget and desperately hoping i'll always remember. "mierzwiak -- let me keep just this one!" .. one of those types of moments.
a lot of me is still holding on to bitterness.
to unforgiveness.
to broken promises and empty words.
terrified that if i forget entirely it won't be real.
as if it all will have disappeared, taking with it a very precious part of me.
that's what happens when you give your heart away.. you lose whatever you willingly gave up at one point.
i heard a quote i found interesting. "never regret anything -- at one point it was exactly what you wanted."
yeah. i guess so.
but i loved him.
but i wanted a husband.
i wanted a family.
i wanted there to really, honestly be that one person that will love me above all else.
so i was willing to overlook problems.
and i was willing to cross lines.
and i was willing to disobey.
i was WILLING (in full knowledge of what i was doing) to disobey the beloved SON OF GOD for this man.
and because of that willingness to sin and go astray, PapaDaddy lovingly broke my heart. as a Father that is chasing His precious daughter as she runs out into traffic... sometimes it hurts getting pushed out of the way of oncoming traffic.

so, lets recap. i willingly killed Jesus.
the Man that because HE loved ME so much knew that i would fall in love, make bad choices and therefore died for me so we could spend eternity together.
i chose a man who didn't love me over a Man who DIED for me to prove His love and so we could be together forever. sometimes i feel stupid.

the beauty of Grace. it makes life not fair.
i'm not excited for my brokenness. i'm not happy that i still cry about every three or four days. but i also am not going through this time without being thankful. every time i breakdown, the Holy Spirit comes and wraps me in the softest, warmest blanket of love as Jesus Himself whispers "I know what you've given up for me. And I love it. And I love you. And I promise I am better than these. I am more faithful than these. You have chosen the good part."

...Jesus knows what "I" gave up for "HIM".
sometimes His love is confusing.
sometimes it even hurts.
but that's because my receptors for love have been broken.
they can't even receive the purest love properly.
but,
good news.
Jesus can fix that, too.

i am so broken.
so unfaithful.
so full of wickedness, even in my seemingly good heart.
and yet,
He still loves. He still forgives. and even if i would have willingly remained on a crash course for disaster, He still would have died for me.
i look at it like this:
i'm a child. i'm sleeping in my bed all warm. and before i know it, i'm being scooped up and hurried out of the house. but it's all hot. and my lungs burn. and my eyes are watering. my house is on fire. "but i'm so tired Jesus!" He holds me tight and just keeps running. "but what about my stuff, Jesus!" He holds me tight and just keeps running. the walls of fire are getting taller. the smoke is getting darker. He holds me tighter and just keeps running. the flames are kissing His perfect cheek. "we don't have to keep running, Jesus! the firemen will come soon. let's just rest!" He holds me tighter still and just keeps running. my eyes are too clouded with smoke to even tell where we are. we reach the front door and He reaches to the bright orange handle. as He touches it, His skin sticks to the metal and it rips off pieces of flesh as He pulls away.
we make it outside and He passes me to my Father. i barely catch a glimpse of this once beautiful, perfect Man. His face is marred. He is blackened. He is burned and bruised. He ran through all of the fiery hell because He knew what would happen to me if He didn't.

so yeah.
i wanted love.
and i wanted a husband.
and i wanted just one person to love me with their everything.

how much more blind could i have been?
song of solomon 6:3 "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine."

the old love hurts still.
but the new love covers all. fixes all. is better.

hosea 2:14 “Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Will bring her into the wilderness,
And speak comfort to her.
I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope;
She shall sing there,
As in the days of her youth,
As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
“And it shall be, in that day,”
Says the LORD,

“That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’
And no longer call Me ‘My Master,’
For I will take from her mouth the names of the [old lovers],
And they shall be remembered by their name no more.
......
“ I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me
In righteousness and justice,
In lovingkindness and mercy;
I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,
And you shall know the LORD."

2010-05-20T00:12:00.002-05:00

i did a lot of inner healing last night.. it was intense.
my main phrase while i was weeping was, "i feel like an anchor and i just want to be a kite. i just want to be a kite. i just want to be a kite."
and after Jesus fixed holes and mended tears, i felt like i was tissue paper.
which is what you can make kites of.

then tonight at FSM..
well, backstory, i want a tattoo but i want the Holy Spirit to sign off on it first, but i was really doubting that was going to happen seeing as it has roots in some serious paganism, but anyway..

the Holy Spirit showed me my tattoo that He'll 'sign off' on.
it's on my left arm above my ditch. it reads "beloved." (left to right, so i can read it.) then off the tail of the 'd' is a kite that goes all the way up to my wrist.
the significance was that i am the kite. I AM THE KITE! praise Jesus alone for that! but that i am HIS beloved. and being on my left arm, which is my weak arm, it signifies that in my weakness He chose to love me, and that it is only by and through His love that i can fly and be a kite.

the only stipulation i was given was to ask my parents if they would also bless it. so i will be doing that this weekend, but i have intense peace that they will.

i'm just so... amazed by God.

opportunity came knocking.

2010-05-18T18:01:00.001-05:00

me: i was thinking since you're in the summer season, if maybe you wanted to come down for a few days and stay with me in kansas city? we could do some fun stuff :)
her: i dont get out till the 28th and then maybe instead of going to moms i could come down there if you dont mind coming to get me
me: yeah, i bet i could arrange that... how long would you want to stay?
her: i dont know. how ever long you can tolerate me? do you know anyone there?
me: haha. i doubt you could stay here forever. know anyone here? uh.. my roommates, a few friends, and dani and bret.
her: oh, so no boys? jk lol
me: i know a few. but they're just friends.
her: oh darn it. if only they were my age
me: haha, you are too young to get tangled up in boys. heck, i feel too young half the time.
her: oh really? im only 13.
me: i know. i'm only 23! bah. i just wish i would have known at your age what i know now.
her: ooooook..
me: no, dude, hahaha, i'm being so serious.
her: can you tell me some stuff then?
me: certainly. what do you wanna know?
her: um i really have no idea.. just really anything i guess.
me: i guess... if i can be as honest as possible.. i wish i would have known that my worth is NOT and will NEVER be defined by the men around me. that i am defined only by God and that He says i am lovely, i am beautiful, and i am worth more than all the stars. i spent a lot of my years chasing after boys that said they loved me and it was all i wanted to hear. i wanted someone to tell me anything wonderful about me.. i didn't believe i was something worth loving. and one by one when they would tell me they loved me, they would eventually leave (as people tend to do.. it is okay for them to change their minds.) it would create more and more brokenness in my heart. i would end up feeling less valuable than i did before. until i really encountered the real, alive God and discovered how He honestly felt about me... i lived in this cage of darkness. but now i know the truth about myself. i know i was created by Him, for Him. and He loves me. HE loves me. He LOVES me. He loves ME. He really, really loves me. more than anything.

doubtful.

2010-05-18T15:59:00.000-05:00

oh, man.

2010-05-17T13:14:00.003-05:00

pretty sure les miserables is my most favorite movie. (right now, at least. :)
so good!

bishop: "and don't forget. don't ever forget. you've promised to become a new man."
jean: "promised? why are you doing this?"
bishop: "jean valjean, my brother, you no longer belong to evil. with this silver, i bought your soul. i've ransomed you from fear and hatred. and now i give you back to God."

javert: "why didn't you kill me?"
jean: "it is not my right."

man. so good!

sleepy doesn't even begin to describe it.

2010-05-13T08:52:00.002-05:00

i'm on day two of nannying for my sister.
yesterday wasn't so awesome, and today he is content and happy ... but that's how he was yesterday morning before things fell apart.
i'm hoping today will be good though.

man, am i tired though!
i didn't sleep well last night.. i first started to fall asleep at 9.30, so i jumped on that band wagon and took advantage of it, then i woke up around i think maybe midnight or 11.30? THEN i woke up too hot and feeling yucky after i realized i left the space heater on. WOO. bad idea .. SO HOT. so i opened my door and turned on my fan and it i guess worked since i wasn't that hot when i woke up. (at 5:40. to get here by 6. to watch my nephew. blergh.)

it's not so bad getting here that early. i mostly wait for my sister to leave so i can lock the door, then i crawl back into her bed and try to nap.. which doesn't seem to go well. it takes me forever to go to sleep, then i wake up at every little sound thinking it's tevah, and then when i really do fall asleep, it really *is* tevah crying and he needs something (most likely he peed through a diaper. again. how is the kid producing THAT much? that would be twice today already.) so i have to get up.

i need to figure out how to nap when he naps. maybe when i put him down around 10.30-11 he'll fall asleep for a good chunk so i can nap, too. or maybe i'll do that for his 3-4 nap. i'm trying to get him on to a solid routine, but i'm finding that to be pretty hard. i just need to write it down i think, so i can at least be as consistent as possible.

alright, well it's time to make me some coffee and eat some "breakfast".

it's been awhile..

2010-05-03T22:27:00.002-05:00

super list -- ASSEMMMMMBLLLLLEEE!

[THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME]

Jesus. Always has been -- always will be.

i'm learning how to meal plan! it's.. uh. VERY TRICKY. i wish paige was here so i could have her help me with it... :/ so far, i went to the store and spent about $26 to make 1.)whole grain spaghetti with my own tomato, onion and butter sauce with garlic bread (so good! and it fed me, my friend matt, me the next day, and there is one more serving in the fridge that i'm not so certain i'm going to eat. leftoverload and such.) and some apples and such to make an apple berry crisp for dessert. So that's what.. like $6.50/meal? that's not so good. i feel like i bought something else in there and i can't remember what it was or what i made, so i'm fairly confident that it didn't happen then. but i did buy fruit and some other vegetables and stuff that didn't go into the meal. so probably really only $5 a serving. but then today i spent $60 to make 1.)cranberry-walnut-(grapes, too!)-chicken salad 2.)grilled cheese with homemade tomato soup and 3.) hoison pork riblets with wontons! (paige i'm thinking of you.) So, total that's like 4 recipes, and i've already had one sandwich of the chicken salad and there is A LOT left.. definitely enough for a few more sandwiches and some to put on top of a spinach salad. i imagine i'll get about 5 servings total out of it. then for the grilled cheese -- that's from ingredients i already had on hand, so i'm not going to count that, but i imagine the soup will get probably 3-4 small servings, and then the pork and the wontons will probably pull another 5 servings of each. so that's... 19 servings total. which, takes my total down to about $3 a plate. much nicer.. sorry if this seems a bit jumbled, i'm doing the math, the thought process and the writing of this all at once. :) but hopefully i did okay. i was really hesistant spending so much on just a few meals, but after breaking it down i think i did okay.

alex is getting married tomorrow! I KNOW! ALEX! MARRIED! WHOA! (just kidding, buddy.) but i'm so excited! hopefully i'll get some solid pictures on my polaroid.

[THINGS THAT ARE NOT AWESOME, BUT SEEM TO BE WORKING THEIR WAY INTO AWESOMENESS]

things are definitely getting down to the wire with money. i have a few faithful supporters that i am so very grateful to God for, but this is proving to be the most difficult part of my move. groceries and furniture. and i'm getting all of it from cheap craigslist, my sister, and garage sales (and this SUPER sweet estate sale!), so i'm doing my absolute best, but money is still just seemingly slipping through my hands. praise God that it is all His, though and when i am faithful with it He will bless me further. i just hope i am doing the best with it as humanly possible. i think i can do better, i just need to do it!
my heart is very odd. just thinking about how God created it perplexes me. i am still very much in love, and even though every day it gets smaller and smaller, i believe with the scar tissue that will now reside that i will always have some connection to him. as much as the healing process continues, and i am so thankful for that which God has already done and is continuing to do, i'm just surprised by how much my heart is still leaning towards him. i don't belong with him. his world is different from mine, and even if literally EVERYTHING were to be different, there would be so much that i still wouldn't be able to do and .... hrm. see what i'm saying? i'm not hopeful for the future in that regard. i'm not praying that in time we will come full circle. i know God has so much better for me, for He knows me better than i even know myself. but in some small sense .. i still hope that better is him. a better version of me for a better version of him so we can be a better version of us. but even the best version of us wouldn't work unless the environment we were in would change also -- see what i mean? everything would have to change. it's... it's all so very confusing. it's not even been a month, so i can't rush myself into it and expect full healing to be here now. while i may be able to walk on my proverbial broken leg, i can't run on it. i'm just glad Papa knows what He's doing. 'cause 9/10 times, i sure don't.

[RANDOM THINGS THAT MAY/MAY NOT BE AWESOME]

i need more film for my polaroid. (which is actually a fujifilm instax, but i happen to like calling it a pola.)
i need new guitar strings, and i lost my capo.
all of my highlighters have dried up.
isaiah is slowly becoming one of my favorite books of the bible.
every time chandler and i go to our apartment whether with friends or ourselves, spontaneous worship erupts. our house is an anointed house of worship :) come visit.
mochi-yo (mochi-yo.com) is the GREATEST FROZEN YOGURT EVER. yesterday i had green tea yogurt with fruity pebbles and fresh strawberries as my mix-ins. it's like cold stone but so much yummier!

ha.

2010-04-28T01:15:00.002-05:00

it's so funny..
i've been searching my whole life for "home."
where i've felt like i truly belong.
i've found it.
and everywhere i look is my family.
it's glorious.

praise be to Jesus.

((all that being said... you're still not far from my thoughts. and i still miss you. and i know, i know, i know. you don't read this. you told me once that you didn't. i'm hoping you're lying. because i know how much it means to me to be missed. i hope.. that you miss me.. even though, i know you don't. and even still, i want you to know that i miss you. that you are worth being missed. you are a good man, and i was a lucky girl. what happened needed to happen for us both. i knew it for a while and i chose to be blind towards it. but that's the great thing. things will work out for us both, and they will be great. i wish at times that things were different.. like when you wake up from a dream and you wish with all your heart that you might possibly grasp it once more, one more time before you break into full lucidity. but for now, our season is over. and the season i have been brought into is... so worth it. all this to say, i miss you. and i hope you honestly know how much i mean that.))

happiness is...

2010-04-27T11:55:00.000-05:00

(sorry in advance for all the ellipsis' ... this is more of a stream of consciousness than an entry.)

happiness is a weird thing.
there are so many different forms of it...

i was so very happy with spencer.
i had this life built up in my head..
the life that we had. the life that we were going to have.
and it made me happy.

and ...
and there are parts of it i'm sure that will always make me happy.
but that's the strange thing about happiness.
it can change.

and for me, it has.

now, don't get me wrong. if i had stayed in my life the way it was, i'm sure i'd still be just as incandescent as ever.
but... i look back on that life as a lit match. burning as bright as it could...
but this life? the life i now have, the life i now want...
this life is like a thousand candles.

i have virtually no money.
i have no job and no current way of earning more money.
i have very few people i know.
i now live in a larger city where i have no idea how to get around.
by all practical standards, i should be miserable.

but i'm getting increasingly more joyful as time continues.
i'm learning how to fully engage in a relationship with Christ, as my husband.
i spent 4 hours in the prayer room yesterday and just soaked in His presence.
in less than a week i'll have a new apartment, and i'll be living with two of my most favorite people on the face of the earth. we will have pancake breakfasts, spaghetti nights, saturday brunches, costume parties, theme parties.. but more than that, we will sharpen each other as iron sharpens iron.
i will be living in the same city as my sister.. something that hasn't happened in over fifteen years. we get to do EVERYTHING together now!

it's just so amusing.
as i was standing in the kitchen earlier.
and i just thought..
"hm. i'm rather happy right now. i don't have a job, my boyfriend whom i was madly in love with broke my heart three weeks ago, i completely uprooted my life and moved to a big city where i virtually know no one... man. God is awesome."

it's just so funny how happiness changes.

ahaha.

2010-04-26T14:44:00.002-05:00

so the apt. we will have (as we got approved this morning-- praise Jesus!) was previous a "burn unit" (also ridiculously funny to think about, and is amusing as all three of us girls want the FIRE of the LORD to burn bright in our hearts!). so what that means was that under the old management there was a fire, so when they gutted the apt. everything is BRAND NEW. seriously. BRAND NEW. and we are getting a new stove (black flat top!) for which we are very excited. but we had a white fridge that worked, but wouldn't exactly match. none of us were too concerned though, because we were just happy we had a great apartment. well the manager girl called us and said that another unit needed a fridge, so she told them to take our white one which means...

WE GET A BRAND NEW FRIDGE, TOO!

oh man! praise to the God who cares even about the tiniest things like matching kitchen appliances. God is so good and so faithful. it makes me laugh. hahaha.

here's a small picture of our kitchen with chandler looking in our now OLD fridge! the gap in the beautiful counter top is where our new stove will be. when we move in, i'll take a quick video tour and try to post it.

fuel for fire.

2010-04-25T22:29:00.003-05:00

well, i love kansas city. downside, though: playing guitar by yourself on the porch of an empty apartment does get a little lonely.

i'm staying in my sister's apartment now that we have all of their stuff moved in, but they're back in IA this week again to finish up stuff at the house. so it's nice having a place to myself and a real bed (NOT an air mattress! hooray!) and i like being able to play guitar on the porch and all that.. but, still.

ah, well. has to be a downside to everything right? otherwise how would we know what good things are?

and then may 1 we get to move in to our apartment! which my parents are very generously are helping me out with.
i've applied for four positions at whole foods, one position at the noodle company, and the rest of this week i'm going to be scouting in addition to unpacking, cleaning and arranging the rest of my sister's house. so, pray that i get favor for the job that will be best for me.
the hard thing is that i will only be there until july 2 if i get accepted into the internship. (which i will, i'm confident in Jesus!) and whole foods said they offer additional leave of absences outside of the usual.. so i'm hoping i'll have the favor of the Lord and they will let me maybe stay on for one day a week even. you're really not supposed to have a job during the internship, so that'll be interesting, but i will just do what God tells me to do.

He rocked my face in the dirt yesterday. there was a call to come up for prayer if you needed to hear how God felt about you and some other things, so i went up and stood in the front of the front and had 3 people pray for me, and every person was dead on. this one girl even said to me, "He saw you when you were crying in your room at night. when the pain hurt so bad that you didn't know what to do, when you didn't know how to make it right. and you felt so alone. but He was there. and He saw you. and He says to you that what happened wasn't what He wanted. and it wasn't right. and that He loves you and you are beautiful. and the things that they said about you.. the things that he said about you weren't right. He sees you with much more worth that you think you have. He will never leave you."
and i just fell apart. i just started sobbing and weeping and breaking down. i literally had that night a few days back. i thought i was going to stop breathing it all hurt so much. and i kept asking God, "where are you? where are *my* garments of praise? where is *my* beauty for ashes? if you are supposed to be so close to the broken hearted, then where are you? how much more hurt can i be for you to draw near?" and i was so hurt and so wounded and so under a veil of darkness that i couldn't even feel that He was there the whole time. there is a lot more healing that is needed to take place. this is going to be a good season, to be sure.

i do need prayer though that God will raise up people to help support me financially, and that He'll show me what He wants me to do. i'm not even sure who i'd write support letters to, and lacking a church base does have some issues. but He is definitely faithful to provide, so i will trust Him.

anyway, i do miss all of you. the few i left in south dakota, the many i left in ames. if you ever need anything, please let me know. <3

this is my life. :)

2010-04-23T14:23:00.003-05:00

so i landed (per se.) last night and we dropped our stuff off then went over the awakening service and ... woo hoo, DANCE PARTY USA!

♫
Jesus healed our bodies
it's time for a Holy Ghost party
♫

it was pretty fun! and then there was more dancing about how good God was to us.
and i, admittedly, started to dance. which, if you know me, i never do. but it was super fun! who knew?

in other news, we have found an apartment we like, and we can afford it. and we can move in may 1!
best news?

cheaper than everywhere else.
bigger than everywhere else.
nicer than everywhere else.

so praise God on that one! now all i need is a job, or regular monthly support from family/friends who want to take part in what God is doing through me down here.

i've thus far applied at one place, and i'm hoping for more opportunities to show their faces. which they will and i'm being constantly reminded that God's provisions do not rely on me having a job, nor is it held by anything. And God will provide. so i'm looking forward to the future.

everywhere i go, i hear at least one person say, "i love my life!"
i can't wait to be the next person. so far so good!

oh. funny.

2010-04-21T16:29:00.002-05:00

oh man. ahahaaahahhahah *nervous laugh*.
totally JUST realized the mistake of me posting a universal ON FACEBOOK link for people to read the support letter on my very personal blog. cripes.
i don't care if 800 people read it, whatever fine. but i don't need the people that are going to pray/support me in this move to read the horrors of my break up too. i mean, i have nothing to hide, but it was like whoa.

ugh. i have an adrenaline rush of embarrassment.
i have luckily noticed and thank God for tumblr because i created a new ihop-exclusive blog in 30 seconds and have hopefully corrected my mistake. (http://whenjeskasparks.tumblr.com)

oh man. oh man.
oh man.

this is that "walking down the street naked/public speaking in underwear" dream come to life.

if i didn't mind the occasional creeper, i wouldn't post it on the internet, so i really don't mind.

..but it's comparative to leaving your diary on the park bench v. selling your diary to perez hilton.

that being said,
if you, dear reader, were a part of the 45 minute window of opportunity to learn about my move to ihop-kc and the other non-exciting adventures in my life, feel free to peruse to your hearts content, but as a disclaimer i must say, i AM a real person. with real feelings. and real problems. and real realness. so, be nice. and let it be noted that i do track all of my visitors on here, so in some small sense .. i know who you are...

haha. let the creepers be creeped!

dear family & friends,

2010-04-21T12:15:00.005-05:00

**For further updates on what I am doing, please refer to my new journal, http://whenjeskasparks.tumblr.com which is exclusively for my IHOP updates.**

Some of you may know that I've received an invitation from the Lord to cleave to Him in a lifestyle of prayer in a fulltime manner at the International House of Prayer (www.ihop.org) and have decided to seek Him in Kansas City, MO.

This place of surrendering my life completely to King Jesus in every aspect is sweeter than anything I’ve ever experienced. I am beyond excited to see what God has in store for me, and all of the many things He will teach me. I plan on taking part in the Intro to IHOP-KC Internship this summer, a six-month track designed to impart the vision, values, and understanding of the basic structure of IHOP–KC, along with the practical skills necessary to succeed long-term as an intercessory missionary.

In this “taste and see” season I will be getting a feel for what it is really like to be an intercessory missionary. Intercessory missionaries are full-time missionaries who reach out to others from a lifestyle of prayer and worship similar to the Levites in the Old Testament. Today, about 1,500 believers (staff, students, and interns) serve full-time at IHOP-KC, investing fifty hours per week as they go from the prayer room to the classroom and then to ministry outreaches and works of service.

Once the internship is completed, I will be able to join staff fulltime as an intercessory missionary and plug into the justice-focused ministry on the IHOP-KC missions base that connects with the passions the Lord’s placed in me. The International House of Prayer University has programs I am interested in but am waiting on the Holy Spirit's leading before I move forward in that area.

The internship is a consecration of time and singularly focused devotion and I will be giving occupational hours to prayer, worship and acts of justice, hours usually used in the workplace will be given to seeking the Lord and doing His works. The Lord has always been the One who stirs hearts to give of their resources and primarily I am asking Him to stir up those who will financially sow as partners with His kingdom advancing in and through my life. Please take the next week or two to prayerfully consider becoming a monthly financial partner, allowing the Lord to pour through you, as He is the Source of all provision. One-time donations are very helpful. Relational partners who want to share in what God is doing in and through my life will provide enabling to focus wholeheartedly on His Word and His ways.

Thank you for considering being a part of God’s work, it means so much to me. May the Lord bless you and keep your heart close to His. If the Lord has moved your heart towards partnership, please leave me a comment with your contact info and I will contact you and share more details about how that will be possible. [To comment, click the "# comments" directly below this entry.]

  In Jesus, 
Jeska

Please join in prayer with me for:
• Divine wisdom as to the path God wants me to take
• Safety in Kansas City
• An open heart and an open mind to what God wants to teach me
• His love and grace to abound in and around my heart

sigh.

2010-04-20T16:51:00.001-05:00

i finally broke through and got a conversation/closure out of him.

it went well.

i cried, naturally.

we talked.

i laughed at the irony of our relationship.

i cried some more.

i continued to cry.

and then there was more crying.

then things felt better.

sort of.

like someone who just got sewed up from an open heart surgery. surgery went fine, but there's gonna be a helluva lot of pain and healing over the next few months.

and then i asked for a hug.

then, after 5 minutes of silence i said, "asking be damned. i want a hug and i feel like i have rights to one."

so i approached him. and hugged him. and he halfway hugged back.

and i cried. and i said thank you for everything. i said that he was still the best, and i'm still glad we had our fun time. and i cried.

and he said, "you say 'thank you' and all i can say is 'i'm sorry'."

and i said goodbye.

and then nearly passed out because my irregular heart beat flared up and i got all woozy.

so i had to sit down.

but then i cried again.

and stared at him.

and he said, "what."

and i said, "nothing. i just was remembering things. we had a lot of good times. we had some great times. and i'm really going to miss them. i'm going to miss you."

then i cried, and wiped my face.

and finally said a real goodbye.

and that was the end.

i'm not okay.

2010-04-19T14:51:00.002-05:00

i know i wrote an entry saying that i was. and things were good. and they were.
for like HALF A SECOND.

i am not okay.
everything is falling apart and is one horrible disaster.
i cry all the time. i walk into the kitchen and i start to cry. i turn on the water for a shower and i start to cry. i fall on the floor and cry.
everything feels like it's being taken away from me.
i feel like i'm losing absolutely everything.

i'm trying to figure out which stage of grief i'm in so i can better predict when this is gonna be over. but i keep bouncing around.

i feel like i can't even get myself above water to breathe.
i'm just going down,

down,

down into the depths.

i don't eat.
i can't sleep.

if i eat, i feel sick.
if i sleep, i have nightmares.

this is all excruciating.
i'm not sure how much longer i can bear it.

help.

2010-04-19T12:56:00.003-05:00

this probably isn't the best way to go about things, but i'm moving to IHOP-KC as soon as possible. i'll probably ask my parents for a little money to supplement the little that i already have, but i will need help. i'm going because God wants me to be there and because it's the only place that doesn't carry memories of spencer and i. so i'm asking, if there's anything of mine you want to buy, let me know. i'm practically selling everything. shirts, books, movies. or if you just want to help by giving me a gift, i'll take one dollar or fifty. whatever you feel like God wants you to give. but i'm trusting Him to help me get there.

please, if i've ever asked from anything from you let this be it.
and if you can't give, i ask that you cover me with your prayers.

God bless you all.

ow.

2010-04-18T17:53:00.002-05:00

i can't breathe.
i can't move.
i can't think.

i don't want to eat.
i don't want to do anything.

i barely want to exist.

this is the most excruciating pain i've ever been through.
and although there is an end.. it is not in sight.

i feel simultaneously like i'm being engulfed in flames,
but also that i'm drowning in the depths.

i don't want this.

hello, from ihop-kc!

2010-04-12T10:51:00.002-05:00

(jess, i forgot to mention, i'm gonna throw your stats off a bit and come up as kansas city, mo. just an fyi :)

man.
God is SO good!
so merciful.
so kind.
so loving!

i get small glimpses of the full majesty of his goodness and it's just overwhelming!

my heart is healing, friends.
for those of you playing at home, spence and i are .. 'under construction'. and it's very painful and i feel now less the pain of what happened, but more the pain of loss.
but even more faithfulness from God erupts. that's like.. the best thing. the emptier i get, the more God fills. the more i hurt, the more He loves. i can't lose :)

for now, i came down to KC out of retreat. my heart felt so much that i literally thought many times i was going to throw up out of hurt. and i felt pulled down into God's presence. (which is totally a great place to be.) ((not that God is only in IHOP-KC. He's everywhere. it's just a favorite place of His.))
so i've been here since thursday night.. and i was going to leave yesterday, but four people told me that I should stay.
one person said i should stay through the week,
the other person said i should stay for two weeks,
the other person said i should stay for a month,
and the last said i should stay permanently.

i'm going with small increments now :) but either way God is telling me to stay. which is totally fine with me! i don't like sioux falls anyway, haha, AND (and this is the most amazing part) i'm actually CLOSER to ames than i was before! by like an hour less! so God is doing some amazing stuff in my heart and with me and ... i've fallen into the Spirit in a way that's indescribable. seeing things that i could have never seen before. knowing things i shouldn't know. i'm finally walking into the gifts and the calling that God has given me. it's very peaceful. praise God for His mercy and His faithfulness that even when i run in the opposite direction, He's still so very kind to me; loving me while he gently redirects me. He's so good. and i have friends here and i'm making friends ((SUCH a big deal)) and my family will be here soon. so .. i feel very ... 'rushed' in the matter? i guess? just because it's all happening so quickly, but it's like a whirlwind. and it's good. so .. who knows where God is leading me.

but just to check in with all of you that are concerned, and i thank you so very much for it, i am okay. sometimes i'm golden and shining with perfection. and sometimes i'm still sad. but i'm so glad that the blood of Christ covers this offense against me. i don't need to hold debts against him for the pain that's in my heart. Christ died for that. Jesus already paid for it. and it's good. it's great.

but it's also a process.
at the service i was at last night, it was on forgiveness and afterwards i asked the guy to pray for me since his big forgiveness moment was also towards someone in a relationship. i barely got words out when i started to just weep out of pain, and he told me that he saw me walking hand in hand with God but that i was trying to run and God was trying to walk. (anyone had this happen with kids before, haha.) but he said that i had a broken leg, and i wanted to get to where i was going which is why i was running. but i needed to slow down. and go through the process.

which is true. i was hoping God would release me from all the pain, but just like a broken leg, it needs to be set and healed. and that does take time. so i'm (reluctantly) at times going through the process of healing. but like i said, God is good and merciful. so i will be obedient and i will go slower.

but anyway, this is all far too long for what i intended on being a short "hey, i'm okay" entry. but really. i'm golden. and God is super duper good.

the One who loves you, makes you real.

2010-04-05T13:42:00.000-05:00

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
-the velveteen rabbit.

it only ends once.

2010-04-01T16:46:00.001-05:00

me: i know the life that i want to have. but even more so i know the life that i DON’T want to have. so what if by just ‘stumbling around in the dark until i find what i want’ leads me to what i don’t want instead?
JwF: it only ends once.
me: so you’re saying that .. even if i ‘end up’ with the life i don’t want that because it’s the life i don’t want that i can still change to the life i do want?
JwF: exactly.
me: so there is no fear of being trapped… because it all can change.
JwF: yes.

uh..

2010-03-31T02:39:00.002-05:00

okay, so i *know* it's not summer.
but even with sleeping in the basement, with only one blanket and a fan, i find myself getting increasingly hot when i sleep. like wake up all icky and sweaty, which *totally* never happens to me. i'm currently chalking it up to being sick and such.. i'm probably running a fever. (go immune system, go!)

anyway, this ONE time, i thought.. well, why not try to sleep with less layers on?
so i switched from jammie pants and a top to just jammies and bra. and it was still hot.
so.. naturally, i worked down to just jammie pants. not something i find generally comfy. but whatevs, i'm super hot, right?

so, GO FIGURE that this ONE time that i choose to do it, is when my dad (really nicely) comes downstairs at 2:30 in the morning because he heard me coughing and he wants to bring me a humidifier thinger. so i pull the covers up to my neck and thank him and get back to watching south park. then i fling the covers off and get back to being overheated and i hear another knock on my door. covers up. he wanted to thank me for letting him borrow my car earlier today. and then we proceeded to have a 5 minute conversation about stuffs.

now, i find it very thoughtful on both accounts of his appearance.
but why does it have to be the night that i decide to sleep sans clothes?

this is my life.

(and it's still super hot, so i'm pretty sure these jammie pants are gonna go.)

((sorry if that was a risque post. i wasn't trying to be inappropriate. i'm just being serious. and probably delirious. [ooh. rhymes.] but anyway...))

could you muster at least a hello?

2010-03-31T01:11:00.004-05:00

oh, my darling friends.
as i'm researching my analytics.. i'm noticing that i have a lot of readers, but not a lot of comments. and some of you are from very far away states or countries!

US/CA:

Iowa
South Dakota
Kentucky
California
Wisconsin
New York
District of Columbia
Illinois
Pennsylvania

Europe/Asia:
Norway
Netherlands
London, UK
Sheffield, UK
Japan (hi, jess! i fixed it!)

now, i hope i don't give you the creeps for tracking my reader base. and please don't let this stop you from reading. i can peg who most of you are just because you're like the only person i know in the state (hi, shuk. :)
.. but for a few of them, i can't figure out who you are.
so, kentucky, pennsylvania, and anyone in europe... mind saying hello? you don't have to, naturally. but it'd be nice if you did. plus, kentucky, you keep coming back and i've had 10 hits from you just in a few days.

anyway. it's just nice to know someone is reading. even if you're not willing to say who you are.

as for the rest of you.. *shakes fist* i know where you liiiiivvve! just kidding. you don't have to comment. i know it's you.

but anyway. that's all, really.
that and the fact that i totally can't sleep.
(shock of the century.)

i've used like a half a box of kleenex, my nose is almost rubbed raw from it all, i still can't breathe and my head feels like it's going to explode. i'm like exhausted from the day, but totally not sleepy. and i keep watching episodes of south park so i can fall asleep. (which is totally lame.)

oh, hey. while i have you, can i get your opinion? i'm going to a wedding next week back home and i haven't been there in ...five years?.., so naturally, i want to look great. i'm thinking of buying this dress, but a.)i'm not sure if it's too much white to wear to the wedding (that rule is still in effect, right?) or b.)if it's even that cute. i know the auction ended, there is another one up, but the ended one has the better pictures. it's such a cute dress in my opinion, and i think it'd work. but i figured i'd gather input from outside sources.

lets see.. anything else i could write about..?
this headache is murdering all of my writing inspiration.
but i was thinking about something earlier today.
i was looking at pictures of kids i knew when they were younger, and how grown up they all were and.. they looked so confident. so.. self-assured. now, i'm not sure how with loving, Godly parents i seemed to have missed that lesson in life, but i ... i've kind of had enough.

it takes a lot of energy to be embarrassed, camera shy, insecure, and whatever else.
frankly, i'm tired.

so. i'm done with that. (more or less.)
i don't want to have to analyze every picture on facebook and untag myself mercilessly if it's not the best picture of me. i've honestly spent hours of my life doing that. i'm not a model. i don't need to constantly "show my best side". plus, i'm neurotic enough that i know every last detail and flaw i have that i dislike, so naturally i zone in. similar to when you have a small stain on your shirt that is totally unnoticeable to everyone else, but you know it's there so you freak out. same scenario. and there are so many things i am dissatisfied with in regards to my physical appearance that it is often overwhelming.

now, please PLEASE, do not misread my words. i am not saying this with a super weepy sad T_T face. i'm just being plain honest, with a smile on my face. (sometimes i wonder if videologs would be a better format for me.. i could write out the script and then just talk. ha.) i once posted an entry like this a few years back and i got a mass of very nice comments of people telling me how lovely i am. now, don't get me wrong, they were very generous comments, but that wasn't the point of my entry. the mood is entirely different. bah, [/disclaimer] ha.

but my whole point is.. i don't like that version of me. she's not confident, she's not overflowing with God's love and truth, and she's not someone i want to be any longer.
it's gonna be hard.
very, very hard at times.
but i'm going to try and just.. be comfortable in my own skin. and try and break the mindsets that constantly chain me to this black hole i'm constantly trying to escape.

so. no more of that.
no more not accepting compliments just because i'm oh-so-certain that you're lying.
no more jokingly saying mean things about myself. (i.e. - stop poking my squishy bits. [my tummy].)
no more reinforcing bad behavior mindsets. (does this make me look stupid? it does. i know it does.)

i want to be a confident, carefree, comfortable, easy going person.
'cause that seems like it's a lot less work.

so. we started off with me asking you to say hello and now we're ending on me saying goodbye to a plethora of bad habits.

NEAT!

here's hoping!

2010-03-30T10:53:00.004-05:00

i just got a job callback! i had it go to voicemail -- mainly because it woke me up and i didn't know the number, but since i'm also sick i have to give myself like 30 minutes after waking to sound like a normal person. so i need to call her back. it's amusing, i applied yesterday and her voicemail says, "i was calling to see if you're still interested in the activities director position," .. yes. even after less than 12 hours, i am definitely still interested.
here's a snippet of what the ad says:

Rewarding Job Opening

Assistant Activity Director

This job helps with resident activities in an assisted living work area. This job includes playing cards, going for walks, visits to the zoo, gardening, driving residents around, and other activities.

The hours will mainly be Monday through Friday during the day. This is a 20 hour per week job.

dude. seriously. how fun does that sound?! and my objective listed in my resume says:

I am interested in a position that allows me to serve people. I am a hard worker, detail oriented and I do well with taking instruction. I enjoy fun work environments where all of the required tasks for the day can be met, but in a way that is positive and full of energy. I am a team player and love working with other like-minded people. I am creative and enjoy engaging my mind to accomplishing tasks in many ways.

so, that sounds a lot like what they're looking for i guess.
but really!

i love elderly people. f'reals. love love love them. ('cept the mean ones. ... but that's a given.)
taking old peeps to the zoo! HECKS YES!
can start immediately! woot woot!

there are natural downsides though...

part time. which is.. meh. but hey, a job is a job, right. and maybe i can get a second job at night that will figure things out for me.

anyway. i should get up, drink some tea, and call the woman back. and then hopefully prepare for an interview! hurrah!

edit:
so i called the woman back and .. i'm not sure if i'm going in for an interview, or if she's offering me the job. she said "are you still interested?" and i said, "yeah, it sounds great. i reviewed your website and it sounds like you have a great center." and she replied with, "well.. do you want to come down and check it out?" but she said it weird like.. i don't know. but i'm going in at three. wish me luck! (especially since i just got all nervous!)

edit #2:
okay, so it was an interview. *phew* and it sounds pretty nice, but there are some requirements that i'm a little apprehensive about. and she wants to make a decision by friday, so it's like super fast. so i need to decide that if they offer me the job, will i take it? instinct says yes, but it needs more thoughts and prayers. the hours are roughly 11-4 ish, and i can have up to 25 hours a week, but that would leave little time to have a second job. unless it was like 5-9 during the week, or all day on the weekends... and i'm not actually that into working evenings or weekends. not to be all choosy, but that's my time that i get to actually do stuff with spence. and now that he has a different job with different hours, i want to coordinate slightly to see what we can do together. i suppose.. lets see, 25 hours .. i suppose that's really only 15 more hours i'd need to make up somewhere. so that'd be 3 hours nightly during the week, which i could swing to be like a 5-8, or yeah, just working all weekends. which would be a bummer. or a few long days like working 11-4 at once place, then 5-10 M W F somewhere else. that'd be kind of late.. but i could maybe do that a little better. oh but wait, this director position might make me work late or work weekends. so it's not super solid... hrm. that could prove difficult in finding a second job. craps. that... could be a problem. even if i worked somewhere else before 11, we might have other activities that requires me to be there before 11. bah. i miss having a set schedule. it was so simple and easy.

real progress. really.

2010-03-29T21:40:00.005-05:00

[i'm going to apologize in advance for all the office references. i've been sick for almost 3 days and i've primarily been sitting on my couch watching the office.]

in season 3 of the office jim says,

Jim: Karen and I had a long … talk last night. And the night before that. And uh … every night. For the last five nights.

i just had one of those nights with spence.

so, just to clarify to everyone whom i have been told are "concerned" about me..

Lars: Don't be alarmed. I am fine.

(from heavyweights :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6oq3-YUSCM )

but seriously.
no, i have NO idea what i'm doing, where i'm going, or what i plan on doing. but that's life, isn't it? YES i plan on being responsible and finding a job soon. YES, i know that if i didn't live at my parents house i'd be screwed. YES, i am fully aware that this is not an ideal situation.

but really...
i'm okay. i promise. (trust me.)

i love that everyone is concerned, but i would also love some support and trust that i am at least trying to find what to do.

i know it's a difficult thing to put yourself purposefully out of work... but for me, this is what i need to do right now. and i assure you, things will get better.
but you know what?

things aren't bad.

i'm not sitting in my room, by myself, crying all day about how miserable i am. i get stuff done. i interact with people. tonight i made THREE NEW RECIPES (all separate links) for supper tonight, just to be adventurous. and the pasta.. oh, man. so good. also, you HAVE to try the kale chips. who knew? anyway...i'm rabbit trailing. my point is, i do things. believe it or not. and yes, i do actually really enjoy being by myself. who declared being anti-social a bad thing? i happen to really enjoy sitting in my room and reading books all day. i despise not being productive because it really, really bothers me. its like those days where you accidentally sleep in waaaay too late, and then by the time you actually get up, eat some food and shower, the day is practically gone. i HATE that feeling. i'm just saying... the way my life looks is going to be different from how your life looks. because we're different people. and that's so great -- because God is so awesome like that.

i, as much as it's hard to admit, i do know how to be an adult. i know how to be responsible. i know how to make right, godly decisions. and i wanted to be trusted in my abilities.

i had a lot more i was going to write, but spencey called and i just lost all of my thoughts.
but i really promise that i'll make some real progress. like:

more social interaction with people/friends. (this is gonna be hard. but i'll do it!)
findajobfindajobfindajobfindajob...etc.
more productive days (whatever that means.)
talk to more people about my life, even when i don't feel the necessity for human conversation. (which is a lot of the time.)

so, that's all i had.
goodnight :) (i'm off to watch twilight: new moon. which is SO not being productive, but it's nighttime. so i'm off the clock!)

and now, a word from our sponsors.

2010-03-23T12:28:00.002-05:00

*blows dust off the mac.*

whoa.
it's.. it's been a while.
it's not so much as i've neglected my journal as much as... there's not much to write.
the series has temporarily been put on hold for a while. it's kind of hard to write something somewhat inspirational when you're not feeling very inspired. i might come back to it; we'll see.
to the new readers i have gained, i'm sorry there hasn't been much of an update. this entry is for you! and for you old readers, thanks for checking in a bit here and there. (i have a program that tells me what city/town someone is from and the number of visits i get from them. i can seeeee youuuuu! haha. now i can creep back!)

spring seems to have arrived -- anyone else noticed?
spence and i went to his parents ranch in the hills for what was supposed to be just a few days and turned into a full blown twelve day adventure! i'll have some pictures for you when we can get an adapter cord for his camera. we *finally* got a cute picture of us! 'cept my hair is poofin' out a little weird on one side so it makes my head look ginormo.. but i can ignore that. :)
we went hiking up these two big mountainy things (..not real mountains, but they were still really high up once we got to the top.) and the view was pretty awesome. i'm still not entirely sold on the hills. he LOVES it out there. it's his utopia. i'm less interested in conifer trees and forests, but more deciduous and such. like so:

versus

so, like leaves instead of pine trees and meadows instead of rocks.
i wish i could connect with it like he does. he was having a blast hiking and rock climbing, whereas i was just "..meh" at most points. not to complain though, it was fun and beautiful at times. and i was glad to do anything he enjoyed with him. just one of those things i guess.. whatever.
and it was always fun to hang out with the kids, although being back, i do appreciate mornings not being woken up by four year olds with the necessity to update you on every second of their lives. :) kids are hilarious sometimes.

but the good news about this, is since i explored his playground with him, he wants to do a grand tour of iowa! and soon. like we could go tomorrow maybe. we're working it all out. since i don't have a job, and he just found a new one and has taken a few weeks off between starting we wanted to just go to places and get outta here for a bit. but he wants proof that iowa isn't just flat cornfields. which, it most certainly is NOT. granted, it's not the black hills, but we're not just flat cornfields. i'm thinking this is how it will all go:

drive to ames, do the whole ames/des moines scene for maybe 2 days, then go to iowa city, do the cedar rapids, iowa city, and mt. pleasant for maybe 3 days? and then come back. i'd love to show him the cool nature of the NE, but i don't know the area well enough, so perhaps not. i'm not sure where i'll go or what we'll do, but i'd be glad for suggestions.

in other news,
last night i found the first spider of spring. i creeped around it, grabbed my super toxic spider killer, and watched it die. but then the freaking out started. first the usual: "omg, i bet there's more! i bet they're in my bed! i bet they're in my clothes! i sleep under a window, are they going to crawl on my head!? what's that tickling my ankle!?! oh. it's just fabric. what's THAT on the floor!? oh. it's just a fuzzy. can you build spider-proof houses? hm. let's research this. AUAUGHGHGHG PICTURES OF SPIDERS! AIEEEEEEE. well now i can't sleep." then i tried to sleep but kept waking up because one of the sites said "spiders are nocturnal" well, thanks. now i can never sleep again. so lame. but now i have to deep clean my entire room since spiders like to be in heaps of clothes or shoes, and they apparently really enjoy cardboard since it's a wood product and spiders like wood? whatever. i don't really know much about that, and i'm not entirely interested. *shudder*

but the other freak out came at the fact that i'm spraying a neurotoxin on a bug to kill it. toxic for bugs usually = toxic for people and pets. i happen to be and own one of those. (you choose.) so then i was looking up natural killers and.. they seem to have some good suggestions, but i'm so tied to my can of poison...i'm not sure i can give it up so easily. but i know it will be better for me. i found these: www.spidatraps.com that seem okay, but you can still only put them out at night and away from pets. so i'm not sure how that will work with le puppy. but they seem pretty ...decent. my only qualm is that he writes how spiders cross rooms differently every time and in the morning he'll wake up and find 2-3 spiders caught in the trap. there is some mental comfort in knowing he caught the damn things, but 2-3 spiders every NIGHT?! goodness sakes! that would freak me out more. i think i like ignorance at the amount of spiders in my house. i think i'm going to try some of the more natural methods, but i still could never bring myself to squishing it on my own. that... is too terrifying to think about. maybe i should get one of those little bug vacuum thingers. i don't know.

in small news: NEW MOON CAME OUT! HOORAY! downloading it as we speak from itunes. woot!

.. that's really it i guess.
well, i'm off to fight off spiders and hopefully find none.
lovelove.

So now what? : Overwhelmed, Underwhelmed and just Whelmed.

2010-02-25T09:23:00.003-06:00

[photo credit: unknown]

There's a quote in the movie "10 things I hate about you" where one of the characters says, "I know you can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed.. but can you just be 'whelmed'?" And the other replies with, "I think you can in Europe."
It's always been one of the most amusing quotes to me, but I think just being 'whelmed' can also happen here in the States. There is a real definition for it that is very similar to 'overwhelmed' so my definition would look something like this: "being stuck between adventure and reality, unsure as to where the line is between completely following your heart, but also wanting to make sure you're solidly grounded." Does that make sense?
I'm not so overwhelmed in the sense that I want to give up or quit trying to find my passion, or anything like that... but I am struggling to either fight reality or face reality and wondering if you can even do both. How serious do I take myself with this whole bakery thing...? Where is the spot where you say, "okay, following your dreams is a great idea, but let's actually crash back to the real world." Anyone else ever feel that way?

I think the best way to deal with being whelmed is to do exactly what that image says, "Close your eyes; Clear your heart; Let it go."

So what if I don't end up having a bakery? So what if I never actually finish anything I set out to do? What happens if everything I completely set my mind on fails? It doesn't matter. I'm going to try and not insert any more pop culture references in this, and I am not by any means a Miley Cyrus fan... but "it's not about how fast I get there, it's not about what's waiting on the other side -- it's the climb." Whatever it takes to be you, or for me to be me, is not where the focus should be. It's never on accomplishments, or paychecks, or degrees. It's about all of the internal transformation that occurs when you step into a life of something different-- when you accept the challenge that lies at your feet.

Being brave looks different for everyone. Whether it's going off into battle, or ... more recently for me ... returning to my work place (which stung, broke my heart again, and I even had to sneak off to the exam room to cry before I could compose myself.) and countless examples of how being brave looks like for you.
But that's exactly the point. Stepping out of your comfort zone is of course a struggle. If you want your life to look different, YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. You may have to go to different places, look in different areas --- do whatever it takes to not get stuck in the same life that you're so desperately trying to leave.

What will my future hold? I'm not sure. But I know that regardless of what happens, or what I choose, as long as I keep moving forward I will be the person I'm supposed to be. The only way that would fail would be if I stopped moving. So if I could add on to that quote, "Close your eyes; Clear your heart; Let it go; And always keep moving."

So now what? : Plugging yourself back in.

2010-02-19T15:39:00.000-06:00

Especially during the rougher parts in your life, you need to make sure you're well connected. If you're anything like me, being social is generally always the last thing on my mind, and even more so when I'm all out of sorts. But I don't mean just being plugged in with friends; there's more you need than just basic human interaction.

[photo credit: hijoshboston]

First and foremost -- Stay plugged into the Word, God's heart, and the Holy Spirit.

Always something to strive for, of course, but especially when you're already feeling knocked down. If there was anything I could implore you to do, would be stay grounded in God. Make sure you're reading about all of His promises for you and what God thinks about you. Satan is going to take every opportunity to destroy you when you're emotionally weak, so you have to be on your guard at all times.

Get connected to your surroundings.

While your scavenging the town for jobs, look at your surroundings. There are so many places in this town I didn't even know existed until I started looking for them. My guess is, there's much more your city can offer you if you just look below the surface. You may find that job your looking for, or you might find something better like a new hobbie, a new place to hang out, or some new friends.

[photo credit:la-la-laine]

Start pouring into your relationships; they'll pour back.

I can't tell you how nice it is visiting Ames. Connecting back into old friendships -- and the good kinds -- is a great feeling. Surrounding yourself with people that know you, love you and ultimately want the best for you is enough of a self-esteem boost that you can get back on top of your world. Being unemployed is rough.. but that's where you have to take everything inside you and transform your situation into a positive scenario. You finally get to be who you want to be, do what you want to do, and go where you want to go. Sure, it wasn't the best timing. But that won't change and all you can do now is keep your chin up and look towards the hopeful future. Encircle yourself with people you trust, and learn how to rely on other people. After all, there are other hurting people in this world going through rough things -- we're all in this together. So in your troubles, do your best to support and give into others that need it as well.

[photo credit: alibubba]

Spend some time reconnecting with yourself -- your hopes, your desires, and your heart.

Take this time to honestly look at yourself. This is a rare opportunity for you to get a second chance at life again. Do you remember who you are? Do you remember the things you used to tell yourself, like "If I could only do ____", or "I wish that life was different so I could _____", or whatever it was that you said to yourself. GO. DO. BE. You can do anything you want, anywhere you want and be anyone you want. Why settle for anything less than your most amazing life? For some reason, we all get trapped into this quiet life, and after a few years, we resign ourselves that "this is my life". Your life is what you make it. So, make it the best you've got!

So now what? : getting motivated.

2010-02-17T12:42:00.009-06:00

This is the start of my "What To Do When You're Unemployed" series. It will chronicle my adventures of being a young twentysomething with no great desire for anything, and then as I go, it'll show how I got to the other side. Enjoy.

[Getting Motivated]

Okay, easier said than done, I know. But the last thing you want to do when you find yourself out of work is sabotaging yourself by wallowing in your misery. Misery loves company, remember? So, when you're already feeling completely uninspired, now is NOT the time to play music that accompanies your mood, or watch that movie that makes you bummed out. Believe me, this is a difficulty I have doing myself. When I'm bummed, I want to watch a movie that will make me stay bummed. When I'm angry, I want to listen to music that makes me stay angry. In fact, just last week I was listening to UnderOath just because I was frustrated with everything and I wanted to hear someone else scream for a change. And it feels nice, of course. Ever have one of those friends that tries to cheer you up when you're upset? Sometimes it's a really nice gesture, and sometimes (with me, more often than not it's this way) it's most definitely NOT appreciated. I LIKE being fully submerged in my mood. There are rare times when that is okay and appropriate behavior (see: dramatic life change, loss in family, etc.) because you need to effectively get all of your emotions out. But when it's just about the hiccups life throws your way, you need to snap yourself out of it. Which brings us to the big question: HOW?

[photo credit: ~Amy Grace~]

Play music that makes your butt move, even if you're *so* not excited about it.

I recommend "Close to Me" by The Cure, "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings, "You Make My Dreams" by Hall & Oates (Seriously, try not to move to this one. I DARE YOU.) or if all else fails "Single Ladies" by Beyoncé. I have a mix on my iTunes entirely devoted to dancing in my underwear. Sometimes life demands you dance in your skivvies.

[photo credit: Zoë Campbell]

Unplug your life.

There is nothing that sucks the life out of me more than when I set out to be productive, and "all of a sudden" five hours later, all the more productive I've been was clicking "refresh" on facebook a thousand times. On the upside, it means I've burned like 3 calories. So that's exercise, right? But in all seriousness, get outside. I know, I know. EVERYONE tells you to get outside. 20 minutes in the sun gives you an amazing boost in your Vtamin D production; Fresh air in your lungs feels so much better than the airplane-reminiscent air circulating in your house. Since it's still Winter, I'll admit that it's harder to get outside. But, for your sanity, AT least go out to get the mail. Even if you don't want to go outside, at least do something non-electronic. I firmly believe that God didn't create us to be constantly surrounded by flickering lights. Read a book. If you don't like to read, bake something. If you don't like to bake, create something. If you don't like to create, do some jumping jacks and get your blood flowing. If you STILL don't like to do anything of that sort, then spend 20 seconds analyzing what you DO like and provided it's not electronic, GO DO IT!

[photo credit: Julia says smile]

Try to create. (And when I say 'try', I mean DO.)

Some of us aren't artists, writers, chefs, gardeners, musicians, or of the building type. Some of you think that the only thing you're ever potentially going to be good at creating is a baby, and that's only because God-designed it that way. But here's the thing. God is a creator. The Creator. And His likeness and His image and His heart was created into us. Find something you can do, and be proud of it. I tried out one of my waffle recipes yesterday and it was a horrible disaster. I sat on the floor disappointed and dejected and that's when Spencer said to me, "Look. I went to Culinary School. I have a degree in creating food. And in all of my training and all of my everything, you've officially made more waffles from scratch than me." I shrugged off his statement, but it's true. I know more about making waffles from scratch than a Chef. Granted, he may know the mechanics behind it better, but what I did learn is I have to enjoy even my small victories, and so do you. So, you can't draw? Try. So, you can't write? Do it anyway. Go find something you can pour into for a little bit and when you're done, whether it's amazing or not, rejoice in your small win. You've created something. That's pretty great.

[photo credit: fanjason {super busy}]

Destroy your self-limiting beliefs before they destroy you.

I'm not sure how familiar any of you are with the term "self-limiting belief". It's pretty self-explanatory, but in essence, it's all of those thoughts and lies that are keeping you from being the amazing person God wants you to be. For instance, "I'm not smart enough", "I'm not good enough", "I tried that once and it was horrible so clearly it means I'm to never to it again". Things like that. We all have them, and we all have to work through them before they shut us down and enable us to be weak, uninspired individuals that never serve a purpose. Spend some time thinking about what yours is. Write it down on a piece of paper, then ~~CROSS IT OUT~~. It sounds silly, but it is quite silly. Then after you are done crossing it out, write the opposite of it. Mine looks like this: "I am inadequate and unprepared for life and I feel like I don't know where I'm going or even how to get there. Everyone else around me has it figured out and I'm sitting in the shadows with my head bowed." Now it says: "I am perfectly adequate and everything I need to be great is already inside of me. I am going to be amazing and great, full of life and adventure, and everyone is going to ask me for advice on how I let myself be so amazing." (Notice the key words there: let myself be amazing.) Once you look at yourself differently, you can change your perceptions about your surroundings and your circumstances. Stop beating yourself up and believing lies that are most certainly not true. You have to believe in yourself before you'll get anywhere.

“You have to believe in yourself, that's the secret. Even when I was in the orphanage, when I was roaming the street trying to find enough to eat, even then I thought of myself as the greatest actor in the world.”
-Charlie Chaplin.

So, that's it for this installment. You gotta get motivated to even set goals and know where you're going. But more than that, you have to believe in yourself. That's the thing with acorns. They're the tiniest of things. But they grow into a mighty oak. Everything that acorn needs to be an oak is already inside of it. It doesn't need to try harder, or earn it, or wish hard it was something else. Because all it needs to do is be itself, and add in a little time.

untitled.

2010-02-16T19:37:00.002-06:00

i feel like the world is going to devour me.

i know there is greatness inside of me, but all of my outlets seem wrong.
giving up is never an option, but where do i go from here?
i refuse to make excuses for myself.
my life, my self, my outlook and perception are all the exact way i created them to be.

but that doesn't mean that there aren't questions that are burning my hands as i hold them.
what do i do?
where do i go?
how do i get there?

no one else can provide me with these answers.
only God and only myself.

i am no longer going to enable myself to settle. or be weak. or be uninspired.
but, that doesn't mean that there won't be bad days. hard days. no days.

if it's not cupcakes and waffles, then it's something else.
i just have to be patient and withstanding enough to find it.
and if i don't find it, i have to find the strength within myself to keep moving.

always keep moving.
keep doing.
keep searching.
keep being.
always.

i just wish i didn't feel
alone.
abandoned.
heart broken.
discouraged.
disillusioned.
unsupported.

while they may be true,
while they may be shadows of projections in my mind,

i must learn to stand on my own two legs.
then i will prove to myself,
then i will prove to the world,

i am strong enough to do anything. be anything.

my adventure is out there.
i just have to go find it.

oh, and i forgot..

2010-02-16T10:39:00.001-06:00

i'm going to need business partners.
i can't do this all by myself.
and while spence will be with me, i'm gonna need someone that can accurately handle the books. which, is not my strong suit.

so.
come join me on my adventure.
i can't promise success,
but i can promise you'll have a story to tell you kids when you get old about taking risks, living life, and having fun.

who's in for something different?

oh, and...

2010-02-16T10:28:00.002-06:00

i think at my shop we'll have themed movie nights.
starting at like 6:30 and until like 8:30.

it could be like:

monday night musicals
tuesday night tv (2 or 3 episodes of futurama, family guy, friends, arrested development, etc.)
wednesday night... westerns? i do like john wayne, but i'm not sure on this one.
thursday night thrillers (but NO horrors. just suspense movies.)
friday night favorites (the wedding singer, garden state, orange county, anchorman)

i could start a website and have everyone vote on what movie they'd like to see the most for that week.

i wonder if there is any real estate that would let me have an apt. above the shop. that'd be crazy nice. i should scavenge for that.

oh, and i was watching dead poet's society yesterday... what do you think of "o' cupcake, my cupcake"? it's kind of silly. but i do like the sound of it.

i want my shop to be homey, and vintage, but totally awesome. especially with the movie nights. just have a bunch of thrift store couches and stuff where people just feel like they're at home watching movies with their best friends.
i'm thinking of adding in a small book shop area, too. but that could all be secondary.

i just wish i could come up with a good name.
when you're a waffle/cupcake/movie/bookstore... you have to have a good name or people are going to think you're nuts.

update.

2010-02-16T09:51:00.002-06:00

waffles AND cupcakes shop.
i'm thinking waffles like liege waffles. and then coming up with unique flavor blends, and toppings.
then of course, normal yummy cupcakes.

delly thinks i should just name the shop "STRAWBERRIES!"
oh, three year olds. they're so simple.

perhaps that's what i'll do.

the excitement of the mutual break up (of me and work) wore off last night before bed, and i bawled my eyes out while spencer held me. i felt so bad keeping him up late, but i didn't want him to leave either. i was despondent and inconsolable. and it still stings today. there's nothing i want to do than go to work today.
similar to when you break up with that person you know you shouldn't be with, and it feels good, but you're still hella lonely and hurt when you're done.

ash said when they get their adoption finalized, i can nanny for delly and the new baby. which is awesome, and ryan said that they'd only be able to pay me $800/mo, but ashley was like "yeah, but .. you can live here then? how about that? $800/mo and a place to live?" i'm not sure how serious she was.. but that could be okay. or she's certain that if i found a good waitressing job that i could make just as much money as i did before in only three solid nights of work. i'm not sure how factual that is, but it's worth a shot.

otherwise, i'm scavenging recipes, looking for interesting flavor combinations, finding organic ingredients, browsing thrift stores for equipment, and honestly trying to give this cupcake/waffle shop a go. so, if you have any of those you're willing to give out, LET ME KNOW!

any more ideas on names? (apparently joe is the only one who reads this. hi, joe. :)

stay positive! positive, positive, positive!

2010-02-15T13:38:00.002-06:00

okay friends. i have some news.
are you ready for it?
brace yourselves.

i am officially unemployed.
and very happy about it.

now, i'll give you a few moments to collect your things and stabilize your mind.
yes.
i, as of this monday morning, am jobless.
and yes, it is a scary world.

but.

it is magical.
it is wonderful.
it is full of so much excitement i can barely contain myself.
i can go anywhere, and be anything.

and yes, it will be rough for awhile. but nothing ever worth doing came easy.

so what happened, you ask?
i started out today thinking it was a normal day.
i got to work and started working, and my boss pulled me into the conference room.
after many tears and many attempts to stop crying and not start back up crying, my boss and i ended with a hug and mutual respect, and i left with a fire in my heart that there was more for me and my life than what i was currently doing.
i'll spare you all of the details of our conversation, because it probably won't make much sense to you anyway. but... there is a quote that john piper says something like, "i'm not sure of where you've been, i'm not sure of where you are, but i'm hopeful for where you are going." and that's how i feel about it all. dr. rall saw more in me than i saw in myself and he refused to let me stay small. so, he implored me to be great. i left knowing that i have no job and almost no money, but i left also with a hope and with a fire ready to burn bright.

i think i want to start a bakery.
or really, a cupcakery.
with limited sugar, no additives, no preservatives, and hopefully mostly organic ingredients. there are some SCARY ingredients in box cupcakes.... scary, scary stuff.

i love cupcakes.
i love making them.
i love eating them.
i love making fancy ones.
i love making simple ones.
i love making things i love for people i love.

so i'm not sure how to do this.
but.
i'll give it my best. and i feel like it's gonna be great.

so tell me, what are some good names for a bakery?
i'm thinking

clementine's.
pm snacks. (long inside joke on this one.)
darling's.
and potentially naming it after my (hopefully one day, niece) adella. could just be adella's or delly's.

i just remember when i made cupcakes at their house, and she wasn't allowed to have any because they were made from yucky things. and i knew i shouldn't have eaten them anyway, but still. she wanted one, but ash and ry wanted it to be made of good things. i would love to make cupcakes for her that are made of good things. things parents can be proud of. now, don't get me wrong. sugar is sugar. and it causes inflammation in your body and is still more or less toxic. but at least your body knows what to do with sugar. it's the rest of the crap that it's clueless about.

anyway.
help me with names, and then tell me what kinds of cupcakes you think would be the best. suggest things you've never tasted before. be random and inventive. i'll try to make them, and i'll send you my trial runs.

i love you all.
i'm so very excited!

sunday goal, part 3: where are we now?

2010-02-07T14:23:00.000-06:00

okay, so, let's remember the list, again.

THINGS THAT NEED TO GET DONE:
~~laundry (surprise surprise)~~
~~make bed~~
clean out car

THINGS THAT SHOULD GET DONE (if time):
go to the store and buy nail trimmers for the dog. she's getting clawy.
go through junk cabinets. (again.)

THINGS THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO DO:
~~finish organizational binder (called THE BOOK.)~~

i'm marking my laundry off, because it's almost done. i know, i know. don't √ things off until they're actually done. but it's mostly put away, and save for one basket, and one load of jeans/hoodies in the dryer, i'm done.
plus, my sore throat i woke up with is starting to take over. so it's rest, lots of tea with honey, colloidal silver, garlic, d3 tablets and water for me. it's so nice to be in a world where i'm not afraid of being sick; where i don't have to take medicines that work against the healing power God put in my body. it's just .. it's comforting, i guess. i understand that God put the most amazing healing power in my body. from a paper cut to cancer, i can heal from everything. i just have to work with what He's given me.

so that's my goal for today. i'll let myself feel productive for what i did accomplish, and then the rest of today will be full of just good, godly rest, mark driscoll podcasts, and enjoying my sunday evening.

so, whereas i may have not been as task-oriented today as possible, it's still the sabbath. so, for now, i'll catch you all later. :)

sunday goal, part 2: a simple check-in.

2010-02-07T12:28:00.003-06:00

well, lets see what i've finished in a little over two hours, shall we?

THINGS THAT NEED TO GET DONE:
laundry (surprise surprise)
make bed
clean out car

THINGS THAT SHOULD GET DONE (if time):
go to the store and buy nail trimmers for the dog. she's getting clawy.
go through junk cabinets. (again.)

THINGS THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO DO:
~~finish organizational binder (called THE BOOK.)~~

alright. so.. i've done NOTHING that i needed to do, but finished what i've been desperately wanting to finish for a month now. granted, "finished" is in loose terms. i'll always be adding more to The Book and updating it as i go on. but here's what we have!

and there you have it. The Book! Full of homemade cleaning ideas, home management, recipes, simple home decorating ideas, budgeting, and craft ideas. i'm super pumped to start implementing it in my small life in hopes that when my life gets bigger, i'll be able to do what i can to serve my family.

but i suppose NOW i have to start finishing my laundry. and i do need to add in there cleaning the bathroom. i want to clean it once a week, just to keep it not so yucky.
but anyway,
i'll check in, in a few hours and we'll see how i've done for today!

sunday goal: productivity!

2010-02-07T10:12:00.001-06:00

my goal for today is to be as productive as possible.
there is a hidden irony to this as i am posting an entry about being productive while laying in bed drinking tea and listening to mark driscoll instead of actually being productive.
the three piles of laundry have been sitting around for more than two days, i'm sure they can wait a few minutes longer... right?

okay. LIST TIME!

THINGS THAT NEED TO GET DONE:

laundry (surprise surprise)
make bed
clean out car

THINGS THAT SHOULD GET DONE (if time):

go to the store and buy nail trimmers for the dog. she's getting clawy.
go through junk cabinets. (again.)

THINGS THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO DO:

finish organizational binder (called THE BOOK.)

okay.
wow, that's not so much.
hooray!

also, i want to take this time to recap my jan. 1 goals.
just to make sure i'm on track. there are the task goals that will probably take the whole year, so i'll check in every few months or so, but my personal goals are working out okay.

[personal goals.]

-have more fun.
~~-be more adventureous.~~
~~-stir up some trouble and not be afraid.~~ (see my last entry about spending $600 on clothes and then getting drunk aftewards. NOT a shining moment.)
-conquer everything.
-fall more in love with God.
-be a better daughter, sister, coworker, friend, and girlfriend.
-serve more.

..alright. so .. definitely need some work!
onward to sunday and to february!

blame it on the pop.

2010-02-04T09:19:00.005-06:00

(if you haven't already seen this video: i'd recommend you check it out. it's pretty amazing.)

so..
things have been...

interesting? i guess?
life is always interesting. the second you think your stable in some area is when it shakes. the moment you're sure of yourself is when you are proven wrong. never assume you have it all figured out, life will quickly upset itself.

orlando was amazing as it usually is. i tried to get as much out of it as possible even though i had some of the worst cramps the first day, then felt super sick the second day. i think that contributed to me being super crabby the second day. by the evening i perked up a bit, but was so frustrated. all the seminar showed me was that i wish i was good at my job. i wish it was where i felt i was supposed to. what i was supposed to do. instead of leaving feeling inspired, i left feeling defeated. ... and i chose to make some bad decisions because of that. i went to the mall by myself and spent $575 at anthropologie. (which if you're familiar with the store, a.) that's not hard at all, and b.) that assured me only 5 items.) yepp. you read it right. i spent more money than i ever have in my entire life for only FIVE items. two pairs of pants, and three shirts. granted, i love them, and i don't necessarily regret my decision because i feel amazingly great when i wear them. perhaps its the value of them that changes my mood when i put them on. who knows. either way, i'm not writing to discuss the bad choice that was. (although, in my defense, i knew i was going to spend a lot of money somewhere weeks before the trip, so i paid off my credit card, revamped my budget a little bit, and put it on my card. and i have more than enough money in my account to pay it off instantly. so, no budget or money disasters.)

then after that, it made me a little less crabby. i had clothes i loved from a store i loved, so i met up with the girls after they had supper. (i skipped eating as i was too crabby.)

but what i didn't skip was getting a few drinks.
...a few. too. many.
i won't say i was drunk, mainly because i've never been drunk so i don't know what that feels like, but i do know i can't hold much alcohol. after one daquiri and a few shots i was pretty buzzed. but then paid for it by feeling horribly sick for the rest of the night, the next morning when we had to be up at 4:00 a.m. and be on a plane for the whole day.

so, over all, not some stunning decision making.

but you know what?
i don't feel bad about it.
not in the "whatever, i'll do what i want" type of way. but..
i did some things i have never done and previously was afraid to do.
i made some mistakes. but i went to the mall by myself (which i never do.)
i went shopping by myself (which i hate doing.)
i bought some clothes that cost way too much money (which i have a hard time doing.)
i actually walked around a new place with confidence (which is not my strong suit.)
i got some drinks, and had my first shot. and yes, got far too buzzed and perhaps a teensy bit drunk. (which i have never ever ever ever done in my entire life.)

but this is LIFE! i fear that i will be misunderstood and somehow you all will think i've gone on some huge, renegade, make bad decisions kick, but i swear that's not the case. i still will live by God's laws. but when you're used to never making mistakes.. it kind of feels nice to make them.
so where it wasn't the best of ideas, i didn't have the worst intentions either.
i took some chances, had an adventure, and did things i don't normally do.

and it felt AWESOME.
and still feels AWESOME.

i do ask that you will pray for me. pray that God either changes my heart or guides me to a new understanding. pray that He teaches me to live like a sparrow. i know He will take care of me, i just need to trust.

oh, and this just in.

2010-01-27T11:18:00.002-06:00

i officially love twilight, and new moon.

(naturally, i'm team edward.)

a checklist.

2010-01-27T11:00:00.000-06:00

there are a lot of things i NEED to get done today.
especially since we're leaving for orlando tomorrow at 7 a.m.
so i do NOT have much time at all, and this is where miss cap'n organizing shows her face.

THINGS I NEED TO DO TODAY:

clean my car out
wash car
finish and i mean F I N I S H my laundry
deposit my paycheck
make my bed
drop off my comforter at the dry cleaners
~~finish my take-home work calls~~
bathe the dog
hit up target for a few things
pack for orlando
~~take a shower~~
vacuum room

NARROW LIST DOWN TO TEN ITEMS:

deposit paycheck
~~finish my take-home work calls~~
vacuum room
bathe the dog
clean out car
wash my car
finish and i mean F I N I S H my laundry
hit up target for a few things
make my bed
pack for orlando

3 MOST IMPORTANT TASKS (MITs):

deposit paycheck
~~finish my take-home work calls~~
clean out the car

FIND THE FROG (most hated task):

~~finish my take home work calls~~ FROG OFFICIALLY EATEN!

so when things are broken down, it's easier for me to handle them. the frog part is from a quote by mark twain, "Eat a live frog every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day." so the concept is that do what you hate the most first, and then everything will be easy. otherwise, you'll end up like me by making that last and then going insane trying to find distractions so you don't have to do it. so, i'm attacking my work calls first (but distracting myself by bloggin' about it...)

so hopefully when i check back in this PM things will be all sorted out! i'm gonna ~~cross things off~~ as i go. wish me luck!

#hahawoo.

2010-01-17T11:32:00.001-06:00

top 5 favorite songs to dance around to: (always better in underwear while getting ready for the day.)

this charming man - the smiths.
you make my dreams come true - hall & oates.
close to me - the cure.
in between days - the cure.
that's not my name - the ting tings

i've specifically set today apart as a "get done day".

.. all the things i've actually gotten done?

one and a half loads of laundry.
put toilet bowl cleaner in the toilet.., but have yet to scrub it.
this journal entry.
eating a quarter of a bowl of oatmeal.
making a dessert with ingredients i'm usually NEVER found eating.

compared to what i'm supposed to be doing...:

make bed.
finish [READ: PUT AWAY AND ACTUALLY FINISH] laundry.
clean bathroom [shower, toilet, sink, counter and floor]
finish organizational binder [called "THE BOOK". my go to guide for cleaning, organizing, and recipes.]
vacuum room.
wash the dog.
clean out car.
wash the car.

...
i'm admittedly off to a rocky start.
i keep letting myself get distracted.
that's why i need a movie playing while i work, 'cause then i already gave myself a distraction, so i can get back to work, rather that doing wht i'm doing now -- searching for a distraction.

but there isn't a movie i want to watch. so i'm temporarily doomed.
ah, well. what are you going to do?

what's going on in your world, blogland?

it's not jealousy...

2010-01-17T00:58:00.000-06:00

it's just weird.

when people you've previously dated get engaged, that is.

there's just an odd feeling that is hard to name but it's resonating within me.

not of regret, or jealousy, or anything of that sort.

just...

it's like deja vu.

or when you wake up from a dream you swear is real.

...it's a feeling you can't shake.

but i promise. it's not jealousy.

things that play in my head.

2010-01-12T10:39:00.000-06:00

And if a double-decker bus crashes into us,
to die by your side,
such a heavenly way to die.

And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us,
to die by your side,
the pleasure, the privilege is mine.

-there is a light that never goes out [the smiths]

i try not to be all sappy and mushy and stuffs when i'm writing, 'cause honestly, who wants to read that?
but.
that being said -- being in love is just fantastic. it's not magical, it's not rainbows and kittens and unicorns. it's.... just comfortable. you know?

rob: She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease.
You know, it sounds boring, but it wasn't.
It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good.

it's not fantastic. we both say mean things. we both get hurt. we both get angry. but that's life. we both learn how to say sorry. we learn how to love. we learn how to forgive. we learn how to talk to each other -- even when we don't want to. we learn how to express, rather than holding it in and being passive agressive.
it's good. really good.

i've never spent three days back-to-back/day-to-night with anyone and still wanted to see them more than anything.
with my married friends, i never used to understand that. i'd think to myself, "yeah. i know you WANT to see your husband. but he'll be there later. you can't not think about him for like one second?"

granted we're not married. but boy, was i wrong.
he just makes everything better.
good things - better.
crappy things - better.

he knows me inside and out and still chooses to love me.
he orchestrated a whole day surrounded by things i like. (read: things I LIKE. not things HE LIKES.)

saturday, we walked around gordman's and looked at all the kitcheny things, and went to the kitchen store and he bought some new knives that are AMAZING. then , we went to the new huge thrift store (no good treasures though, bummer. but we did find a plaque that was cross-stitched that said "laura elizabeth" and underneath it said "sept. 13, 1989". he was [this close] to buying it and just tucking it away in my parents house for hilarity and waiting for them to notice. honestly, who gives that to goodwill?) after the thrift store we went to another hockey game. (second one we've gotten into for free.) then i was super tired, so we left early and came back to the house and watched a movie until we fell asleep. (no worries, he slept on the couch.) then sunday we got some stuff done; he worked, i worked but we were still together. then he made us some supper, while i helped and played music HE likes. then he packed up his stuff and we headed back over to my house to watch another movie (...did we watch a movie? i'm not sure what we did. i don't recall actually.) then he stayed over again 'cause he had to be up at work at 5:30. then yesterday, we both were at work, he came to our dinner event, and we went back to my house and he worked on some of his stuff, and i just enjoyed sitting next to him. then we went to sleep. he woke up, came into my room, gave me a kiss goodbye and went to work.

three solid days of quality time.
it's been amazing.
and it'll be all we'll be able to get for the entire month.
but it made my heart so full, i should be okay for awhile.

sometimes..
it's just nice to exist together.

i'm so thankful for what God has given me.
these are the days i hope to look back on and smile.

*le sigh*
anyway, i'm supposed to leave for work in 10 minutes, and .. i'm still in my jammies looking hella awful. so i probably should stop swoon-daydreaming and go get ready.

also, i miss all of you in ames.
so much that my heart could burst.
know that i do think of you often even though i'm crap at calling, writing, commenting, etc.
i miss every single one of you.
lovelove,
jeska.

oh, also.

2010-01-08T22:28:00.002-06:00

it's hard not to be selfish when your entire being is motivated by selfish desires.

when does the line come into play between being selfless and actually having some valid wants?

i suppose it's like what my boss always says, "when the problem we have is serving people too much, then we'll deal with it. until that point, keep serving."

[but just once, i'd like to be selfish.]

wooooooo. long week.

2010-01-08T22:19:00.002-06:00

and it's not over yet.
we have an early morning exercise seminar tomorrow, but once that's over i will have pulled in over 50 hours this week. at least we don't have to lead the seminar, haha. we were a bit concerned with that. and at least it's not fred roberto. i have three more weeks before roberto takes my ass D O W N. seriously. the man is insane!

but tomorrow spency has the whole day figured out. so, it'll be seminar>home>shower>food?>shooting range>thrift store>..uh.. something else, i forget.>some other stuff.

so, i'm excited we get to do something at least. ... it's pretty much the only time i'll see him this month. besides maybe one or two hours after work some random night. we have another work dinner on monday, then i have to stay late for the drs report on tuesday, then wednesday-monday he has taytum, then there's another busy week for me at work, that weekend he works, then back to work for me, monday late, tuesday i'll be late again, and then wednesday (27) is our big remodel in the office, then thurs-sun i'll be in orlando....
and there you have it. the month of january.

so i'm trying to be a big girl and not be bummed about it. it won't be so bad he says.
still pretty crappy if you ask me.

i just wish our schedules lined up a little more. perhaps one day? *wink wink*

what i'd give for just a few solid hours of quality time every week where i'm not having to leave his house at four a.m. 'cause i fell asleep, or having to leave at 10 because he has to work at 5:30 the next morning. or a night that doesn't start at effin' eight o'clock because i stayed late at work.

asdglkasgowighaoweihgawoighawelkghalwghweg.

it's just frustrating, you know?

le sigh.

just take what i can get, i guess. and it's just for this month.
february we have the big E.M.O. and then i'm not sure what else is lined up for me. but it doesn't appear to be that busy of a month.

anyway, i just had to get some thoughts out so i could settle my thoughts and my brain before crashing into bed.

love love.

10,000 watts.

2010-01-03T23:09:00.002-06:00

i love him.

..how do you describe love?

with words?
you can't use words.
words don't have depth.

with emotion?
you can't use emotion.
emotion is fleeting.

with what do you describe love?

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

goodness sakes!

2010-01-02T12:05:00.004-06:00

it's day TWO and i already have a "successful" budget.
in quotes because it's just mapped out.

i found MINT.

so, first of all, ITS FREE.
second of all, it lets you access [SAFELY link] your bank/credit accounts and it auto inputs your spending trends. which is AWESOME. it notifies you over e-mail when you've spent out of your budget, when a payment is due... it even tells you on site that "In the past 30 days, you spent $344.45 on Shopping. Usually you spend $104." (direct from my budget. noticeably, it was christmas time.)

It maps things out for you with graphs and charts, then you can even build your budget according to category and then based off of income it will tell you what you can expect for savings that month/six months/nine months/year.

seriously. the greatest thing i've found.
and i love how it auto-inputs my transactions, so i don't have to write everything down, keep receipts, or try to remember in my head where i'm at. 'cause i'm awful at that.

if you want some budgety help, go go go! it's amazing.

also, if you click on my LINKS tab up there, i've put some solid links together of places i've recently enjoyed. from budgeting, to creating, to over all simple living. check 'em out!

this is the new year.

2010-01-01T23:03:00.006-06:00

so, i have some goals for the new year.

[task goals.]

-fully learn a new language. (hopefully japanese.)
-take some sort of fighting class. (judo, hand to hand combat, or self defense.)
-move into my own place.
-paint more.
-improve my shooting accuracy.
-get a handgun (preferably a ruger like ashley.)
-read more books.
-go to san diego, chicago, new york, phoenix, and denver.
-learn how to successfully save money and manage my finances.
-fully transition into eating only organic food. +more veggies and less other things.
-~~be completely out of credit card debt.~~ DAY ONE SUCCESS!
-get more involved in the community.
-write more letters to people...setting apart a specific night called "letter" night. or something.
-actually take my expensive vitamins instead of just looking at them.

[personal goals.]

-have more fun.
-be more adventureous.
-stir up some trouble and not be afraid.
-conquer everything.
-fall more in love with God.
-be a better daughter, sister, coworker, friend, and girlfriend.
-serve more.

i just know that not only do i want 2010 to be better than ever, but it WILL be better than ever.
just one of those spidey-sense feelings that lets me know that some crazy stuff is gonna happen to me this year. and it's gonna be awesome.

things are already pretty great, though; don't get me wrong. i looked at an apartment today and provided i either get a stellar raise or a roommate, it looks pretty good. God will provide :)
and in a few weeks, i'm back in orlando for another business trip, so naturally i'm pretty excited for that good ol' sunshine and warm temps to boost my mood during the middle of a SUPER FEROCIOUS WINTER. seriously. we have like 2 feet of snow + on the ground. it's ridiculous. but at the same time, pretty entertaining watching kiyoko outside. the drifts are taller than her, so she'll jump up on top and be stable for a few steps then *PFOOF* sink right up to her ears. it's pretty hilarious.

but anyway, last year was pretty great, too. here are some recaps (links are in bold):

[recaps.]

-i attempted to finish a double major in film and lit. but got heavily rejected by iowa state.
-i discovered the best scones ever! (queen city bakery.)
-i tested out a few relationships, met some very nice gentlemen and luckily dodged some bullets.
-i attempted and re-attempted to go vegan or at least vegetarian, but settled on just taking it a step at a time.
-cried my eyes out when i realized i OWED on my taxes. (here's to NOT doing that again..)
-i found out my sister was pregnant!
-i fully, and tearfully moved all my stuff from ames to sioux falls.
-i learned how to be honest. but then realizing that people will soon misunderstand your intentions.
-i flew for the first time to san francisco!
-i wanted to quit my job more than i wanted to stay. (but God had other ideas :)
-i went to lisagrace & bryan's wedding!
-i finally gave sioux falls one more chance.
-i finally got a dog. :)
-i started a band called cowboy baseball. look for us around 2048.
-i tried for the fourth time to set a decent schedule.
-RAN A FRIGGIN' 5k. and dominated.
-i wrote an entry on how i was frustrated & jealous at all of my non-single friends. i ended it with one of the most heartfelt, sincere prayers AND....
-then immediately met spencer.
-i learned a little more about myself.
-i met my nephew, tevah zion, for the first time.
-i spent thanksgiving with spencer & his family.
-i fell in love for the first time.
-and i had an epiphany on how i want to spend the rest of my life.

wow. pretty busy '09. :)

anyway,
i hope you like the new layout.. i think it's a little easier to use.
i gotta get some sleep though. the crampsasaurus rex is currently devouring my lady organs, so i'm quite miserable.

i love you my darlings.
i hope 2010 is as amazing for you as it will be for me.
remember, life is what you make it.

remind me i said this later when i'm whining like a baby..

2009-12-27T01:45:00.003-06:00

i want to be poor forever.
i don't want money or things.
stuff just corrupts people.
i want to always honor God and keep my heart pure.
i want to live off the land.
use as little as i can and give back all.
this time i have on earth is borrowed.
it is on loan to me from God and some day i will have to give it back.
when i do, i want it to be a shining example of used potential.

over the next few months...
my goal will to be breaking my headspace of "nice things".
breaking out of the mold of "stuff".
it will be hard, and i'm sure i will change my mind multiple times.

but i want it to just be as simple as possible.
keep life simple, keep my heart pure, and love God with the truest of intentions.

no more resolutions. just change.

(and yes, i do realize the irony in typing all of this on $2500 laptop.)

105 things i like about you. [spencer.]

2009-12-24T17:24:00.009-06:00

i like...

you (in general).
that you borrowed my sweatshirt and wear it constantly.
that the new sweatshirt i bought you has barely left your shoulders since i gave it to you :)
(i like it when you like things i get you. my output love language is gifts, so that's important.)
when you willingly played games with my family even though you weren't having fun and you had no idea what was going on. (cranium is hard. nertz is fast...clue on the other hand ... ;)
that you are always conscious of respecting my parents when we're in my house.
that you're a great dad.
how strong you are and how hard you've worked to overcome your challenges.
the way you smell after a shower. so clean!
when you winked at me secretly at work. (even though i swore you were going to get me in trouble!)
how amazing you look when you wear just a simple white t-shirt.
how you insist that everything i like is "gay". haha.
when we playfully tease each other back and forth. (but NOT when i can't figure out if you're joking or not. that's irritating. :D )
how fuzzy the back of your head is after a hair cut.
when you automatically hand me a blanket before i tell you i'm cold.
when you hold my hand.
when you call me "woman" and make horribly sexist jokes about how "a good woman knows her place."
when you randomly disappear to play 10 seconds of foosball. "practice", you call it.
that our "first date" was supposed to be playing buck hunt. amazing.
when i came over for lunch that one day and you were sitting in your jammies and stated that you had been playing zelda for hours. i've never found you more attractive.
you know things i like without me even saying that i like them.
the way you feel when i hug you, cuddle with you, or lie with my head on your chest. we've talked about this before, and i can't ever state how amazing it is.
the way you treat me with respect and honor.
your servant heart. even when you have nothing left to give, you give more.
your rugged good looks ;) (had to mention it!)
how you and i both love dumb humor, and "that's what she said"s.
when you hear a "that's what she said" and you immediately look at me.
your horrible attempt at meowing like a cat.
that you're an amazing chef, but yet you still burn popcorn.
how you suprised me with a hockey game AND dinner. one of my most favorite moments.
that you don't mind my insecurities and will take a few moments to calm me down when my neuroses flare up.
the way you make me laugh.
the way you make me smile.
the way you make me feel.
that i knew i wanted to be with you from the first time i heard your voice.
that you are the first person i want to talk to when i wake up and the last voice i want to hear when i go to sleep.
how two weeks with you felt like six months. we constantly found ourselves saying, "what ... that was yesterday? i swear that was weeks ago."
at the same time, though, nine days feels like nine years. i like how i feel when you're around.
that in a matter of moments, i was completely comfortable around you. within hours you knew everything there was to know about me, good/bad, and all my dark secrets.
that i trust you.
how long it takes you to type. and how you've asked me multiple times to "come over and type something up for you." i'm pretty much your personal secretary :)
that you don't let my physical imperfections bother you. i know it sounds silly because no one is perfect.. but i'm glad you don't mind.
that you have a rolling suitcase full of knives. FULL OF KNIVES. chef or not, that's awesome.
that you and alex had a text war with me as the middleman. as things stand, you're both gay.
the way you smirk at me sometimes.
when you tell me i look good. yours are the only compliments i seem to freely absorb.
that you keep a knife by your bed.
that you listen to honestly horrible music. but i don't mind it.
when you tell me you hate [x] but that you'll do it anyway. i.e.- "musicals are gay" v. "okay, i will watch one musical with you a year."
you do things that are important to me even though you know you'll hate it :)
you spent countless hours going through every store in wall, and you held my hand almost the entire time. i know it was super lame and super cheesy, but it meant so much.
you hate the same things that i hate. this counts for much more than liking same things.
you don't make me feel bad about things i don't know how to do.
you didn't laugh at me when i fired ashley's gun for the first time, and was nice to me when i fired the pea shooter.
from the looks of it, you don't find me embarrassing. i like that.
you used to send me secret notes at work. they weren't really all that secret though. when you throw pieces of crumpled up paper at someone, people tend to notice.
you introduced me as "your girlfriend" before we were even on official terms yet. (but it was pretty official anyway.)
i've told you multiple times that i'm used to paying for things myself, or at least going halfsies, yet you still pick up the check for whatever we're doing.
you explained how hockey works during our game we went to, and didn't once laugh at me or make me feel inferior for having NO IDEA what was going on.
you used to play hockey. i bet you looked pretty damn cute in that li'l uniform.
you stopped playing hockey because you were too small. it always makes me laugh when i think about it.
you make me want to go camping with you. and you know how much i hate camping.
you listen to me rant and rave for endless hours and actually seem interested in my frustrations. (regardless of if you are or not, you get points.)
when i am frustrated, you try to calm me down or perk me up.
you always let me pick the movie. even if it's a semi-girly one.
you're so very nice to me.
that you're an amalgamation of every guy i've ever dated, but you're a million times better.
you actually love God. like f'reals. you're not just saying it. from past experience, this counts as so much more than it does.
you're respectful to your parents, and even more respectful to mine.
you apparently have some iron will because there's a certain someone i'm pretty sure i would have murdered by now. but you've done an amazing job at self-control.
you've got years on me, but it doesn't feel weird, nor have you ever made it awkward for me to be so young.
you're nice to my family, and you even think my brother is fun to be around.
one of our first dates we ended up at ihop. 'cause you know i love waffles.
you haven't made me waffles yet.. but i know when you do, they're gonna be great. (AND YOU BETTER MAKE ME SOME WAFFLES SOON.)
you are better than waffles. my facebook status once said "jeska: has found something better than waffles." that something was you.
that for two whole days we spent 38/48 hrs. together. and those were the first two days we hung out. i knew it was gonna be good if that's how it started.
that you walk the dog with me. granted, you scare her on purpose every time you come in, but i like that you spend time doing lame things with me.
that you don't harass me about my messy room, scattered bathroom, or the fact that i'm stuck in a laundry loop. (which is good, 'cause i feel bad about it enough on my own.)
that this is easier to type up than i thought it would be. turns out, you're pretty amazing.
when you don't shave. the scruff is nice. it's all rugged and would fit for an indiana jones costume. *cough cough*
imagining you as indiana jones. say.. halloween next year?
you're tall but not too tall, you're older than me but not too old, and you're meaty without being overweight. i couldn't have picked you out better if i'd tried.
that you sent me the "don't worry" verses from luke when i was having a stressful day.
that you also have texted me, "i love the shit out of you." which, by far is one of the most amazing things i've ever had said about me, hahaha.
that you once texted me, "i need help" when i was at work and i was very concerned and very worried so i naturally responded with "with what?? are you okay? what's going on?" and you replied with "zelda." AMAZING.
that you're often a bigger nerd than i am... which is mighty impressive.
your laugh. it make me smile.
how you have a seriously strict budget. you could teach me a few things about not being so fluid with my money.
that you have come over when i was sick just so you could spend a little time with me.
that you've also seen me when all my joints exploded and felt awful and you held me while i fidgeted in pain next to you. you're pretty great.
that you've spent time helping dad in the kitchen and giving him pointers. i like that you feel comfortable enough to spend time with him.
that when i'm grouchy, you're the only person i want to be around. (even if it's you that makes me grouchy ;)
that you're the only person that when i spend hours with you, it's still not enough.
how encouraging you are when i'm bad a buck hunt. damn cows.
how you make horrible things much nicer. like family events.
that our first movie was zombieland. and you hate zombie movies. i'm glad you let me almost tear your arm off.
that you just texted me telling me that my hoodie i got you was much better than the "thin t-shirt of a hoodie" you got for christmas.
that you don't like boiled eggs. who doesn't like boiled eggs?! you. and you're great.
how you make my heart glow. the day after we spent the whole night gallivanting about i was brighter than a 10,000 watt bulb.
that you hate christmas lights. me, too.
that you find it enjoyable to do nothing but spend the evening with me, curled up on your bed watching family guy episodes on hulu.
that you don't judge me when i feed you less than amazing food.
your smile.
that you insist on wearing the jammie pants with the huge, non-revealing, gaping hole in the crotch.
that you love me.

the end. <3
(started christmas eve at 5:24 p.m. - finished christmas night 9:21 p.m.)

nine days.

2009-12-19T20:28:00.001-06:00

nine days won't be so bad, right?
*sigh.*

i miss spencer.

worst day ever.

2009-12-18T20:58:00.002-06:00

and so it goes:
-got screamed/swore at by a patient.
-forgot to write down one check, and officially overdrew my account.
-was at work until 8.30
-this other thing i don't feel like talking about

and then i was going to spend my weekend with spencer, because it was going to be just us,
...and he got someone to work for him on monday, so he's leaving for his parents (6 hrs. away) ... tonight.

AWESOME. :(

so, for now, it looks like
-shower (check.)
-in bed by nine (check.)
-don't eat supper (check.)
-watch the hangover again. (check.)

hooray for proper boyfriends!

2009-12-12T08:09:00.003-06:00

so remember this from thursday's post?:

tomorrow he has something planned too.. i'm not sure what. he told me it's a secret surprise.
but here's what i know:
it starts tomorrow at seven.
it's not far from work.
we won't be outside, however, i might get cold, so i should wear layers.
we will be done (ish) by 8:30, but we won't be entirely done.

he ended up taking me to a surprise hockey game! hooray! he's so sweet.
well we DOMINATED cedar rapids. we wanted to beat traffic and get some food so we left a little early when the score was 8/2. we even scored two goals within like 3 minutes of each other. it was intense. and spence used to play hockey so he was very helpful at keeping me up to speed with what was going on.

then after the game, we went to granite and had some horrible for you food that was amazingly tasty (but totally against ALL my rules!), and then went back to my house to watch garden state. but i didn't get through the whole movie so about mid-half way i started to fall asleep and it was already one a.m., so we just called it a night.

it's about time i have a proper boyfriend who does proper boyfriend things, like surprises and dates.

i am a very lucky girl. :)

then today i have to get ready real quick (and STOP writing this entry 'cause it's gonna make me late!) 'cause we have a seminar this morning until noon, and then i have to leave fast to make it down to yankton for my sister's graduation. finally all of her hard work in her master's program has paid off :) congratulations, my dear.

anyway, that is all for now.
for memory's sake, i wanted to post my amazing night last night, but i am running late now.

go fig :)

such amazing, good news!

2009-12-10T22:27:00.002-06:00

it's about time i've had some good news.
not that my life has been all sorts of awful or anything.

but good news is nice.

so, here it is!:
today, OFFICIALLY, marks my LONGEST RELATIONSHIP EVER!

.. okay, admittedly that sounds super lame.
but i dated josh for two months twelve days, luke for a month and a half, maika for a month and a half, joe for a month and a half.. and it just steadily decreases.

so my super adult, grown-up, big-girl relationship is making some marks in my life.
spencer and i have now "been together" for two months, THIRTEEN DAYS. as of september 25th :)

we had to keep things "under wraps" of sorts since it was totally not cool, and actually semi-illegal to be dating a patient. but like i said last week about getting the go ahead for being public. i'm beyond excited. i woke up this morning and didn't even realize what day it was until i looked at my phone and read my calendar event that read "longest relationship ever?"

so, i know it's still super lame, but i'm still very excited.

tomorrow he has something planned too.. i'm not sure what. he told me it's a secret surprise.
but here's what i know:
it starts tomorrow at seven.
it's not far from work.
we won't be outside, however, i might get cold, so i should wear layers.
we will be done (ish) by 8:30, but we won't be entirely done.

he then said, "and don't go lookin' it up on the internet!"

.... which i had NO intention of doing until he said anything ...
but i'm going to be an adult about it, and not wreck the surprise.
which, if you know me, is INCREDIBLY HARD FOR ME TO DO.

i open other people's mail.
i read wikipedia entries about movies before i watch them so i know how they'll end.
i open christmas gifts two weeks prior to christmas, then re-tape them and put them back under the tree. (and if they're un-marked, it just means i open EVERYONE'S. true story.)

surprises just trigger like a mini-control-freak-out in me. it's like... i HAVE TO KNOW.
HAVE TO.
spencer: "no, you don't. that's the beauty of it. you don't have to know."

...oh goodness. he has much to learn still. ;)
but, and oh my goodness i think i love him, he's been playing zelda for like two days straight. he had never experienced the goodness of it until he bought deer drive for the wii and then got "link's shooting range" or something like that as a bonus. then i brought over my gamecube copy of twilight princess and we're having some issues getting it to work with the wiimote, but i'll drop the cube off sometime this weekend and we'll get him started.

there's nothing more attractive than watching your boyfriend play zelda for hours on end in his jammies.

and i'm pretty sure that's the only time anyone has ever said that in a non-sarcastic tone.
mmm. he's pretty magical.

i'm glad i didn't get mixed up with previous people.
just goes to show you,

God knows you better than you know yourself,
so the life He has planned for you is infinitely better.

snow day.

2009-12-08T16:17:00.002-06:00

Could've come like a mighty storm
With all the strength of a hurricane
You could've come like a forest fire
With the power of Heaven in Your flame

But You came like a winter snow
Quiet and soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

You could've swept in like a tidal wave
Or an ocean to ravish our hearts
You could have come through like a roaring flood
To wipe away the things we've scarred

But You came like a winter snow, yes, You did
You were quiet, You were soft and slow
To the earth below

Oh no, Your voice wasn't in a bush burning
No, Your voice wasn't in a rushing wind
It was still, it was small, it was hidden

Oh, You came like a winter snow
Quiet and soft and slow
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below

Falling, oh yeah, to the earth below
You came falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below
Could've come like a mighty storm
With all the strength of a hurricane
You could've come like a forest fire
-"winter snow" by chris tomlin (w/ audrey assad.)

i highly recommending buying this song.
it's incredible.

meet spencer.

2009-12-06T15:46:00.002-06:00

this is my darling :)

super cute, isn't he!
i love it when he wears his chef uniform.
he looks amazing! like someone from iron chef.

perhaps someday you all will meet him in person.
i'd like that very much.

anyway, i just wanted to officially introduce him.

today was supposed to be a super productive day, but i didn't leave spence's til like.. 3 a.m. so i didn't wake up until noonish.
i was supposed to do a bunch of laundry, redo my budget, look for some apartments, and go to target.

i've officially done ONE load of laundry, which isn't actually done as i just pulled it out of the dryer and threw it on to the corner of my bed which for the last month has been deemed the laundry section. and i've talked about my budget. and i have looked for a few apartments.
still haven't made it to target, and i have to get ready for church here in a little bit.
and some how i'd like to fit in a nap, too.

my perfect day: wake up. eat breakfast. take nap.

but instead of doing anything i'm still on the computer. and i have to leave for church in 45 mins. so i can either do one of three things: get ready, go to target, take nap.

which will prevail?
stay tuned until next time to see what happens to our heroine!

news! news! news!

2009-12-04T20:09:00.002-06:00

i am officially pleased to announce:
i have a boyfriend!
and i still have my job!

neat!

[more on this later... we're going on our "first" date tonight.]

a few things.

2009-12-03T23:44:00.002-06:00

+ i officially changed someone else's flat tire, in the cold snow, all by MYSELF. i am amazing.
+ at the same time as changing kim's tire, i multitasked by playing tech support to melly at the office who had to fix the computer while my boss was mid-presentation.
+ forrest gump still makes me cry my eyes out at the end. (no real purpose to mention that except that i just finished watching it and now my eyes are itchy from crying.)
+ tomorrow is the day. i will have my evaluation and will discuss very important matters of the heart with my boss. you may see one of two things occuring ... either my romantic facet will change, or my work and my romantic facets will change. so... pray that things go well, please. my tummy is not so nervous as anxious. i've been waiting over two months to get this taken care of. and i know that it will all go well because God is with me. and even if it doesn't go well, He will still take care of me. it's just the scary anticipation... like when you know you need to take the stage for a play you've been practicing for weeks.

curtain goes up tomorrow at 11.
my heart is racing. <3

i love my life.

2009-11-30T23:26:00.003-06:00

things that are awesome:
+ david crowder! (SERIOUSLY. he just keeps gettin' better.)
+ watching new family guy episodes on hulu!
+ <3
+ thanksgiving!
+ road trips!
+ good long talks!
+ doing nothing but being curled up on the couch with a big blanket, drinking freshly made smoothies/juicers, and reading a book!
+ coming back to work after a break! (sounds crazy, but it's nice to be back.)
+ SUSHI! really really awesome sushi.
+ slot machines! (although, this also definitely falls on my NOT awesome list as well.)
+ listening to really bad karaoke!
+ HUGS!
+ being mere feet from a herd of elk, and two very independent big horn sheep!
+ FORESTS!
+ firing handguns! (and surprisingly being pretty good at my form, but needing to work on my accuracy.)
+ four-wheelers! (how the crap did i miss out on them so far?)
+ finding favorite books that i thought i lost.
+ redeciding that I control my life (save for God) and I determine who I want to be. and i want to be brave, and strong, and fearless. full of life, courage, and adventure.

things that are NOT awesome:
+ breaking your healthy food only rules and eating an entire 7.4 oz bag of reese's pieces. LESSON = LEARNED. (add to that list, a bacon cheeseburger from a hole in the wall bar, some pizza, and a few other things. who says thanksgiving has to be all about turkey? either way, i paid for it just like i thought i would. way to go, body, for making sure i remember why i eat good things that aren't full of additives, preservatives, fake vitamins, or other unpronouncable garbage.)
+ forgetting to take your movie back to blockbuster for ... it has to be at LEAST two and a half weeks now. totally was going to do it on my way home then re-remembered i was going to do it once i was at home, and eating supper. *whoops*.
+ snow. getting colder. blehhhhhhhh.
+ feeling like i'm perpetually doing laundry. it seems inescapable.

i like it when there are more awesome things than not awesome things.
an unbalanced life is great in that respect.

man, oh, man.
i'm so excited for life these next few months.
so many changes!
so many good things!

i love .. everything!

and some days...

2009-11-16T22:46:00.003-06:00

i just want to cry until my lungs give out.
until every breath is passionately released in a desperate cry for help.
because, honestly...
there's nothing worse than watching someone destroy himself

all the while with your hands tied behind your back.

at this point there is nothing i can do but pray.

pray and beg.

and cry and plead.
and hope.
and trust.

[from http://97secondswithgod.blogspot.com]
28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I am not asking you to complete yourself and then come to me. I am asking you to come to me. Broken and burdened, infested with the most hideous lies about me and my nature. Covered in perpetual sin that you just can’t seem to shake. Because I don’t see that. I see Christ. I see the blood of my son all over you.

I know you think you need to work through your doubt before you come to me. But that’s not true. I can’t wait that long for you to come. And how ridiculous is that lie? That you have to figure me out, know me and trust in me without fail before you can come to me and get to know me. I do have gifts for you. Big crazy gifts, but the biggest of all is my presence.

That’s what I am inviting you into. My presence. That’s a gift I am inviting you into. My presence. That’s a gift I am going to give you every second for every hour of every day for the rest of eternity. Come to me. Come be in my presence. It’s so crazy to think you have to perfectly accept that gift before you can stand in that gift. I’m just saying, “Come stand in it. Bask in it.”

Come stand in it filthy and let me cleanse you.

Come stand in it broken and let me heal you.

Come stand in it drunk on doubt and fear and let me renew a spirit of confidence and trust in you.

Just come stand in it.

Come stand in it covered with lies and misconceptions about who I am and who you are and let me reveal the truth.

Come stand in it worried and stressed and trembling and let me cover you with a peace that transcends all understanding.

Come, just come.

Come stand in it with a past you can’t fix and a future you can’t look at without grimacing and I will comfort you in this very moment.

Come.

oh.
how He loves us.
He is jealous for me.
loves like a hurricane,
i am a tree.
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
when all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.
and i realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

we are His portion.
and He is our prize.
drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
if grace is an ocean,
we’re all sinking.
and heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
i don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
when i think about,
the way…

... and oh.
how He loves us.
oh.
oh, how He loves us.
how He loves us, oh. <3

the newness of november and the mystery of december.

2009-11-14T13:10:00.002-06:00

these next few weeks could either be a blur of good things and happy memories,
or they could hold some of the most painful experiences of my life thus far.

it's been seven weeks since i've held a secret in my heart,
and i fear that saying that line is already letting too much out.
but i'm just paranoid about everything these days, anyway.

but still.
i'm eagerly awaiting when my life can go one way or another.
even if it's bad.
just having the certainty of knowing that there is no waiting.

things will be put into motion soon that will eventually bring to the surface what i hold so dear.
but it may be with results that require me to sacrifice other very important, very close things to me.

and then when that is all taken care of,
it leads me to two other places of decision, that all weigh on the verdict of this last piece.

so it's going to be a pretty rough two months.
but don't get me wrong.
they're still magical.
they're still amazing.
i'm still very excited and happy.

and at least this time, regardless of what choice is made for me, i am settled in my head as to my actions. which is actually pretty nice in itself. i wasn't sure one way or the other, and bounced back and forth continually.

but now i know.
i know what i will do.

and God will take care of the rest.
and He will still provide.
and i've been a victim of my own hiccups before, so i know that i can trust Him to work it out for me.

but when it all comes down to it...
when you have to choose between two things you love...

i choose the one that loves me back.

mmm.

2009-11-09T23:46:00.001-06:00

i love love.

this is how it works.

2009-11-04T20:42:00.004-06:00

This is how it works: Your brain is the master controller. It has a tail called your brain stem. From it you have your spinal cord, and from that you have the nerves that go to all your organs from your most crucial to your barely noticeable. By God's grace He housed it in your strongest structure: your SPINE. By His wisdom He created areas for your nerves to come out of your spine to go to your organs.If the vertebrae are not in alignment the way He created, there will be pressure on your nerves. THAT is called subluxation. Subluxations are MORE serious than cancer, MORE serious than heart disease, MORE serious because they ARE what CAUSES cancer and heart disease as well as most everything else. Medications will not correct subluxations. Surgery will not correct subluxations. And without them being corrected, your body WILL build disease and your organs WILL begin to shut down. 100 times out of a 100 if i cut the nerves to your heart will it die. 100 times out of a 100 will it not function at 100% if those nerves are pinched. it is the SAME with everything else. If you are displaying symptoms already -- you are most likely subluxated and you are dying. IT IS THAT SERIOUS. You MUST get your spine checked either in our office or by a doctor who knows how to do spinal subluxation corrections. THAT'S JUST HOW IT WORKS.

Symptoms are different for everyone. but if you are already displaying fatigue, headaches, asthma, allergies, or more, OR if you are taking ANY kind of medication -- then there is a very high chance you have subluxation and it's robbing you of your life.

in the office, all the time people tell me "oh, i feel fine. i'm not subluxated." well. that's a very fancy point. feeling good is awesome. we all want to feel good. but the problem is, even in cases of the most horrible spinal misalignments, YOU WILL ONLY FEEL IT 6% OF THE TIME. why is this? because only 6% of your nerve are pain nerves, and the rest are information. can you tell me how your kidney feels? how about your liver? or your lungs? have you ever known someone that was riddled with cancer, but felt fine? or someone who was "doing well" and even got a thumbs up from the doctor just months before, but dropped dead of a heart attack? this is why you can't trust your feelings.

what would you rather do? wait until you get symptom, or diagnosis and then end up being too far past the problem to fix it? or get your spine checked and take care of the problem before it even develops. corrective chiropractic care REALLY is preventative care.

God knew exactly what He was doing when He created us. and when we live outside of the boundary lines He created (not getting adjusted, eating toxic food, not exercising etc.) THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO OUR ACTIONS. but, He is a LOVING God and a GOOD God. So He gave us chiropractic care to turn our power back on.

what is the difference between a dead person and an alive person? if your spinal cord/nerves control everything, and there is a spine in both people, what makes the difference? It is the BREATH OF LIFE that God breathed into every one of us. That power, that spark of His divine power, that is what allows us to heal.

THE POWER THAT MADE THE BODY, HEALS THE BODY.

it's just how it is. it's just how it works.
all medications cause destruction in your body. surgeries to remove "dysfunctional" organs never truly get to the cause of the problem. (subtracting out of course, all crisis-care situations such as car accidents, major trauma, etc.)

wouldn't you want to get the the cause?
if you have headaches, and you have to take the headache medicine... are your headaches truly gone? No. have you gotten to the cause of the problem? no. every time you miss a dose, you would still have headaches.
that's what we do in our office, we get the cause of the problems.
we want everyone to live as long as possible with such great, maximized lives, that they can serve God with every blink, breath, and heart beat. for as long as He has placed them on this earth.

God has provided chiropractic as a safe, natural way for people to get healthy. We work with the natural power of God and His natural design, not against it.

If you have never had your spine checked, you do not know if you are subluxated and building disease. It is very serious and very crucial for you to get it done. We have over 350 doctors (godly men and women that truly care for their communities and have a strong fear of the Lord) all over the United States. From right here in Sioux Falls, to Ankeny and Des Moines, to Florida and all the way to Washington.

You have to get yourself and your families checked. Especially your children.
God wants a healthy and happy life for everyone. After all, He "came to give LIFE and LIFE ABUNDANTLY!"

That's just how it works.

the boy.

2009-11-03T22:21:00.002-06:00

oh, how i love him.

it is the truest of loves.

excuse me citizen, do you know the times?

2009-10-25T10:21:00.003-05:00

dude.
it's friggin october!
double you. tee. eff.
where has time gone?
i feel like i only moved back here a few months ago... and apparently the number of those months is 12.
november 17th will mark my 1 year at work. that's super intense.

life is just madness.
my sister had a healthy baby boy (Tevah Zion is his name) a week ago, i've actually developed a social life, and in three days i'm leaving for orlando on a business trip.

here are some of my favorite pictures of the peanut.

ahaha. i love the last one. that's the outfit i bought for him in orlando the last time i went in july. i'm so excited he's actually in it! i kept hugging it when it was empty imagining him being inside it. and now he is. WOOT! 'cept i haven't friggin seen him at all! it was like BAM he was born, i held him for a moment, left and then here we are a week later and i haven't had time to go see him or anything. i plan on going today, but dani hasn't gotten back to my texts, so maybe she's still sleeping? i don't want to wake her up. plus, i can't stay long anyway. i have a work meeting at 7. but it'd be nice to see the little bugger before i jet off to sunnier lands.

also,
i am VERY hungry.
this is what happens when you wake up, roll over and grab your computer and then start typing. (that, and a lot of typos..)

i've been a bit grumpy the last few days. just one of those "i look horrible, all my clothes look stupid, i weigh how much?!, can't i just find something that looks cute" few days. i went shopping last night with the intention on finding lots of cute things, and i left with a few, but now, i'm pretty sure i'm gonna return most of it. it just wasn't awesome. and i hate spending money on things i don't love. 'cause then it means in like two days i'm gonna hate it, but i've most likely already taken the tags off and washed it. i was just really expecting to find some sweet sales, or at least tame my "new things" hunger.
although, it's all probably for the best. i should be following a stricter budget, but it's a weakness. new things just make me feel better when i feel crappy. which is bad. but, i'm hoping since i've identified it, it'll be easier to keep in check.
(i do actually need some more fall clothes though. i have some.. but dang, we do NOT have a heritage 1981 around here, and i hate shopping online when you can't try things on.

ah, well.
my sister texted me back. so i need to actually go.
sorry faithful readers, for such a lame entry.
i feel like i don't write or update anymore, and i'm extra crap at calling people and keeping in touch.
i'll try harder. (but honestly, probably not. i'm sorry.)

dear nephew.

2009-10-17T10:49:00.004-05:00

please be safe when you arrive today.
i will pray that your tiny, perfect body doesn't get assaulted with
vaccines, unnecessary drugs, and that everything will go smoothly.
i can't wait to meet you.
i can't wait to hold you.
to finally kiss the face that i've been talking to through the walls of
skin and muscle and mush.
did you hear me yelling to you, baby?
could you hear me saying that i loved you?
that i wanted you to come quickly?
could you feel it when i tried to touch your hand, or brush your cheek?

we can do that all today.
your momma and daddy are gonna take real good care of you, i know it.
she knows in her heart what is right and what is good.
and i'll be waiting for you the second you arrive.

all my love that i could ever have,
aunt jeska.

all the things that i am not.

2009-10-03T08:28:00.002-05:00

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
It does not demand its own way.
It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up,
never loses faith,
is always hopeful,
and endures through every circumstance.

i used to say that the two things i was good at and enjoyed doing was loving God and loving people.
i now, finally, understand these verses.
i do not love.
i'm not patient, i'm frequently unkind, i am jealous, prideful and rude, i am highly irritable and heaven help you if you've wronged me. i have a hard time letting go. i would like to say i always stand up for justice, but there are times when i have been excited about someone "getting something that they deserved", whether it was true or not.
i always give up.
i never have faith.
i lose my hope constantly.
and as far as my endurance... it's pretty weak.

i always found the 1 cor 13 passage to be trivial and boring. i think it was partially due to having it forced into my brain constantly from childhood to like.. sophomore year. we memorized it constantly.
it just became a series of words. the strength and power that God put in it, faded away to nothing more than some ink and some scrawlings.

how could i ever return love to a God that loves so conditionally, when there are so many obvious limits to my love?
He always gives; i always take.
He is always there; i frequently disappear.
He will wait for me; i will wait for maybe a few minutes, and if He hasn't magically shown up or answered my prayer instantaneously, i'll get frustrated and passive agressive.
He will always love me whether or not i am good; i will always judge His goodness by MY standards and make a decision of whether or not to love Him based on that.

this is all very eye opening and convicting.

i'm not sure where my heart has been these last few days.
it had a bit of a mind of it's own. which, in my case, is never a good idea to let that thing run around. it has to be kept under heavy security, and i'll let my good ol' brain go back to callin' the shots.. i'm much less neurotic and paranoid that way.

...and even through all this, He loves me.
He loves me.
I'm one of the biggest messes on the face of the earth and He loves me.

"You say, I've got you my baby
I've got you
it's quite the mess you're in
but it's nothing Love can't fix

so sit here upon my shoulders
and watch as it all unwinds

You are making me a mountain
making me a mountain
that cannot be shaken."
Trust - Kristene Mueller (youtube it.)

God, help me be that mountain.
It's not going to be easy, and it's probably going to sting quite a bit.
But through Your strength, and Your power, and Your Spirit, I know
I can be exactly who You want me to be.
Help me to learn how sweet it is to trust You. To know You've got everything
under control.
But even more, teach me how to love, with a Love that's never failing.
I'm sorry I constantly feel like a waste. When I feel that way, all I'm really
doing is crawling up into your lap so I can slap You for the beautiful
creation I am. It's a bold, audacious move. And I'm sorry. You don't
create garbage. You don't create junk. You have given me beauty for these
ashes and strength for all of my fear. Send Your Holy Spirit to counsel me
and provide me with the Peace I so desperately desire. Send Your Holy
Fire to burn away all that isn't good in my life and my heart.
Completely consume me.
You are all I want.

oh, life.

2009-10-02T00:32:00.003-05:00

i wonder if all my broken pieces, missteps, failed attempts and limited successes brought me here for such a time as this.

we shall see.

two days.

2009-09-27T05:43:00.001-05:00

two solid days of going to bed the next morning.
last night i didn't go to bed until 9-10 a.m.
tonight i'm not going to bed until 5.45 a.m.

i hope this sleep pattern doesn't stick.
...but i don't mind at all the circumstances surrounding it.

i am completely overwhelmed by the goodness of God.
seriously.
what did i ever do to deserve such a blessed life.

"God loves you, because he loves you, because he loves you, because he loves you, because he loves you, because he loves you, because he loves you, because that's who He is and that's what He is like."

status: VERY CONFIRMED.

2009-09-26T07:24:00.002-05:00

oh yes.
best night ever.
nothing could have spoiled its sweetness.
it is time to sleep though.
i have been up all night ... gallivanting.

do i dare write about this so soon?

i already have so many blessings from God.
could He possibly give me more?

status: confirmed.

2009-09-26T02:03:00.001-05:00

greatest day ever.
more to come.

things always have a way of working themselves out.

2009-09-25T21:06:00.002-05:00

man, oh, man.
today.

today was.
it just was.

but even more than that..
it was a good day.
a great day.
a wonderful, fantastic, amazing day!

why so great, you ask?
no real reason. (well, that's not true. but i'm not going to shout it out on the intarwebz.)

but it was just good.
i haven't eaten much all day, so that could be adding into my delirium.
but i've been shining like a 1000 watt bulb since about 10:30 this morning.

there's just something nice about hope.
even if it fails you, and you get no return.
it's still nice for the time being.
kind of like the end of a dream upon waking.
it wasn't real, but it was nice while it lasted.
and it will always put a smile on your face.

short and to the point.

2009-09-22T22:51:00.003-05:00

i love it when i'm so:
angry
jealous
prideful
frustrated
disappointed
jealous
angry
jealous
angry
jealous
angry
(see a pattern here?)

that my only reasonable solution is to just get SO angry that i ... fall asleep.
that's my plan at least.

i have GOT to spend more time in the Word.
my shield is practically melting from the firey darts.
that's not a way to fight.

God, give me your peace.
Calm the jealous waves that are attempting to capsize my heart.
you have a plan for me. give me the strength to trust your plan.
you are good, and you are loving. you cannot be anything else but.
help me to fully put my heart in your hands and never try to take it back.
draw me closer with your radiant light, your burning jealous fire, and your beautiful emerald rainbow of mercy.
i place my hope, my trust, my life, my heart and most of all my future in your hands.
all of my love,
Jeska.

dreams are weird, man.

2009-09-20T11:25:00.002-05:00

i hate it when you wake up all...just out of sorts after a dream, and nothing you can do can shake that feeling.

i had a dream that i had a baby. i don't really recall being pregnant, and i don't really recall labor. but it was, in fact, mine and it wasn't very old. and then for some reason i had to go back to my fourth grade teacher's house for some like... athletic swimming event? we were thrown in this very clear, fast-moving river and we had to do tricks and maneuvers and pick up things along the way. almost like a mario party game or something. alex, dani, paige and lauren were there. dani had to teach me how to swim out of the current. it was funny. and somehow my contacts doubled as goggles. so.. that was pretty neat. but the weirdest part was, paige got mad at me for having a baby because at least she was married and stuff, i just irresponsibly wanted a baby. so then we had this big fight and then i woke up.

so.
it was just weird.
and now i've got such overwhelming weirdness that i can't shake off.
bleh.

i was hoping typing it out would detach at little of it. but looks like it's gonna have to be breakfast and cleaning. nothing resets your mind like food and doing crap you don't wanna do.

in other news:
to all the people that read this blog... so.. no one really...
i'm looking for good baby shower games. GOOD ONES. nothing like a wordsearch for baby items. or something lame. and they have to be fun for a co-ed shower.

rawr. any ideas?

(LAMEST BLOG EVER. SORRY.)

oh, the 5k.

2009-09-13T11:26:00.002-05:00

well.
i did it.
in a weak 38 minutes.
but hey, i'm not a runner.
here are my stats:

Division Place: 22 out of 28

Gender Place: 220 out of 274

Overall Place: 357 out of 425

i'm not loving it.
but i was just behind kim, and ahead of melissa. so i'm okay with that.
dr. rall was like 67. that's ridiculous. he finished 15 minutes before i did.

but it was good. i mean, i didn't find it to be super inspirational or motivational or anything like that. i didn't feel "amazing" after finishing and i don't feel like doing it again next year.
but i did it.
i did something that i said would suck and i didn't ever want to do. and i did it.
it may not be something that counts in the usual realms, but i do like that i did something i didn't want to do. i disciplined myself to run enough for training, and then i set out and accomplished something. so i'm pretty excited about that. or well, mildly happy. haha. excited is getting carried away.

this video clip was my real motivation. i played this song when i started, when i hit halfway (timed it on my ipod!) and when i finished.

i LOVED (500)days of summer.
it was great. i felt really connected to the characters, and if you were to script out my dream guy, it'd be tom hansen. so i found that to be pretty amusing seeing as in hollywood, they can never get it right.
i'm gonna buy it the second it comes out.

but until that point,
i'm going to shower, eat a sandwich, and sleep.
perhaps all at once. haha. turn the shower on, relax in the tub, and eat a sandwich.
sounds pretty grand to me.
then it's off to target to return my toaster oven i got that was assembled backwards in a few different spots so i figured it'd probably blow up considering it wasn't made properly.
then the grocery store.
then the mall.
and i have to clean up my room and finish laundry, and clean the bathroom.

man.
i wish i had a weekend.
yesterday i worked 10hrs doing a screening at the sidewalk arts fest, and today we ran the 5k. so it's like been non stop all week.

ah well.
hey, if i did the 5k and it was horrible, i can do anything now.
haha. next step, childbirth!

day three.

2009-09-11T07:00:00.003-05:00

HA.

7:00 a.m., still in bed, and highly debating if it's totally worth getting fired so i can go back to bed.
not even the puffins i made last night are enticing me to get out of bed. it's too friggin' cold/dark.
plus, they weren't all that tasty. a few have too many blueberries in them so like their entire bottom was just blueberry mush, and i don't think the buttermilk was a good idea, and it needed more maple flavoring.
so, good idea in theory; mildly poor execution.
i think i can tweak the recipe for maximum tastyness. 'cause it's still a decent idea.

rawr.
7:02.
now i HAVE to get out of bed if i want to even think about making it into the shower today.
which definitely needs to happen.
i woke up in a hot sweat like 4 times last night. the kinds where you seriously needed a towel 'cause you were dripping. so then i'd say fine, and take off the blanket. then i'd wake up freezin' cold.
i just couldn't win. hence the tiredness. and the..well, partially contributing to the not waking up on time-ness.

i don't even get to sleep in all weekend. i'm like sans weekend.
tomorrow i have to get up to do a screening at the sidewalk arts, and then sunday is the 5k. i am SO sleeping all day sunday though. i'm gonna wreck that night, but i don't even care.

craps! 7:04.
good morning, my lovelies.

day one, two, and potentially three:

2009-09-10T21:03:00.005-05:00

so day one..
went to bed at 10.
woke up at seriously FOUR A.M.
unintentionally, of course.

...so then i was like "okay, now what? go to bed for another hour, or just get up?"
...well, naturally, i decided to just go back to bed. getting up that early would be silly. i'd have time to read a book, eat breakfast, take a shower, take kiyoko (new name) for a long long walk, watch an entire movie on netflix, piss around for forever on facebook, potentially take a nap.. i mean, it'd just be silly.
so sleeping an hour turned into getting up at 7:15 'cause i ended up being way too tired.
SO LAME.

day two was thursday (today). and on tues/thurs. i don't have to be at work until 2:00. so, i slept in until 8. which was nice.

so potentially day three will be the start of the 5 'o clock round up.
i'm pretty sure breakfast will be amazing and easy once i put this recipe for puffins into full effect.
can't you imagine poppin' those suckers in the toaster oven then chompin' 'em all up?! i'm so excited.
plus, i can put in flax seed, use wheat pastry flour, sea salt, and stevia and make 'em not so horrible for me. which, i'm totally game for.
pair those up with a yummy fruit smoothie in the morning and i'll be set to go!

anyway,
for those of you wondering what the new family member looks like:

this is kiyoko. or kiyo. or yoko. or yuki. or kiko. or koko. pretty much whatever i feel like saying in her general direction.
i'm so proud of her tonight, too! she's been doing a great job of learning what stay means. so i'm super pumped about that. i want to be sure that she is a good dog, not just a dog.
she seems to be responding to her new name a lot better than her old one (which was kind of lame anyway...) so i'm glad that i can rename her. it's kind of the final step in the adoption process. so, it's nice.

also:
target has AMAZING shoes right now, ladies. so go go go! i picked up new white flats, new black flats, and these SUPER sweet plum pumps. so, go checka checka checka it out!
also, they have the office season 5 which has, thus far, the best blooper reel i've ever seen. i nearly peed my pants.
oh. man. pompom.
seriously.

....
i now have the great desire to get a fish named pom pom. although, chunk isn't doing so well. his water won't stay clean even with a filter. and he's also grown a mustache. i'm pretty sure he grew it when his friends died as a tribute. he kind of looks like this:

i'm pretty sure that's what his general thought pattern is, too. and honestly, he REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE HE HAS A MUSTACHE. i'd take a real picture of him, but the water is too cloudy. i need to just start over with the entire tank.

also:
sunday i'm running the 5k.
yikesapongoes. i'm not sure how i feel about that.
but it's only a half hour. i've done things much more painful and stupid for much longer.
so i can tough out a measly thirty minutes.

that being said, me and my counterpart both have to go to the bathroom,
so i'm going to take care of that, then outside to take care of her.
goodnight my lovelies.

aw, man. morning?

2009-09-08T21:05:00.002-05:00

oh, yes.
i do hereby declare that i will be soon transitioning myself into a very disciplined morning routine. (even my subconcious is sad. i first typed it as "mourning".)

my current "morning" looks like this:

my goals are as follows:

wake up at 5:00-5:15ish. at least have eyes opened at 5:00. consciously think about getting out of bed for ten minutes.
be out of bed by 5:25.
stumble up the stairs to make a cup of tea/coffee (and if it's coffee then i'm sure as heck adding some bailey's to it. mornings are bitter.) and some form of breakfast. consumption of said items should occur at least by 5:35.
dive into the Word and spend time in the prayer room @ IHOP until six.
take kitsune (dog's new name. pronounced kit-soon-ay. it's japanese for fox. i'll be calling her kit for short.) for a walk at six until 6:15 or 6:25.
hop into the shower by 6:30.
be out of the shower by 6:50.
be dressed by 7:15. (allowing for multiple frustrated outfit changes.)
hair and makeup done by 7:35.
use the last ten minutes for pissing around on facebook, 'cause that early in the morning, nothing's really new.

that's the plan.
although, i have NO idea on how to adhere to it.
i started by setting my alarm. but i'm my own worst enemy. so we'll see what happens.

the way i look at it is, if i can be self-disciplined now, it won't be so rough come january when i'm doing the internship in KC. it'll be a little different 'cause breakfast is at 8:30 and by that point i'm already half hour into my workshift, but i know i can make these changes.
so i'm actually kind of excited about it.
i know i can do it.

so...
that's my plan.
i figured writing it down made it more official. :)
wish me luck!

some favorite snapshots.

2009-08-30T21:12:00.005-05:00

i'm hoping to relieve frustration by putting up some of my favorite old pictures.
i'm trying to learn a new song on the piano, but it is IMPOSSIBLE when you can't read sheet music, and it's not playing how i remember.
i'm getting *SO* frustrated.
rawrawrawr.

anyway.
here's some fun pictures that got cross exposed. 'cause i like 'em that way.

i was actually legit. scared of not being able to get out of that phone booth. we could barely get the door open again... i am slightly claustrophobic.

*kapow*.

shut up. i like this picture of us.

believe it or not, we are wearing the SAME pants.
yepp. one leg per person.

*HIGH FIVE!* i want a poster of this so badly. it's motivational.

aw. my besties. <3<3<3<3

this just in:

2009-08-27T22:32:00.001-05:00

cadi is officially stealing my underwear (dirty AND clean) and dragging them off to the den.
i am going to punch her in the face.

hey, juuuuude.

2009-08-27T22:21:00.002-05:00

hey juuude. don't make it baaaah.
take a sad sonng and make it behhherrrrr.
remember! to ret her into your harrrr
then you can starrr to make it beerherrr.

so rehreroneorerrrr rememberr
to ret rer into your harrr *MM*
then you can starrr *HM HMMM*
to make it beherr *HMMM MMMM*

...
i'm going to kidnap that boy/girl and force it to be a member of my band "cowboy baseball."
i love the end:
"make it behher, behher, BEHHERR AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

i only hope that God blesses me with an equally talented, hilarious, half-naked, half asian baby.
*clasps hands tight*

.. PPPLEEEEAAASEEEE?

in other news,
i want to be at IHOP STAT.
stat stat.
every day that goes by that i'm not there, i'm all rawrawrawrawrihoprawrawrawr.
i just have to turn it around and be like, "i'm one day closer to there" instead of "one more day i'm stuck here".

even if my sister got the job, she said with the baby she wouldn't be able to move until like may/june at the earliest. that's too late for me. i'm hoping for january.
more prayer (and money, truth be told) is needed on the matter.

so, i'm going to be talking to matt on saturday about it.. kind of seeing what he thinks, and getting a little of his wisdom on it. after all, he was in my shoes three years ago. and now he's been living there for three years. and if he can do it, i can do it.
plus, then hopefully it means i get a matt!hug. which is like.. the champagne of the hugs.
seriously.

work was kind of rawr today. it was super slow, so dr. rall sent me out on the town to put up fliers. i had pretty good success, and you can't complain about getting paid to walk around in beautiful weather. or, drive around in beautiful weather. but then after that we went to the walk for midwives thinger that was going on, so we walked about 2.5 miles.
then kim and i were super hungry so... i consumed 1400 calories of qdoba.

FAIL.

but anyway, then after that we went back to the office and i helped her with things.
until mom reminded me that cadence hadn't been walked yet.
whoops.
so, i'm tired, already walked a bunch, full of qdoba and i get home and the little turd wants to go for a run. so i did. and it was good and fun. but now i think i'm going to puke and die and i'm pretty sure it's not God's will for me to go back to qdoba.
she's a good little doggie. :)

anyway, that's all for now.
i promise i'll try to write more.
i just don't feel like life is that interesting to write about.
..well, it's not really. it leads to crap entries like this.
but whatevs.
i love you all very dearly.
*hugs tight*
see you soon.

soooo, i'm a liar.

2009-08-25T21:34:00.003-05:00

but hey, a liar with good intentions, yeah?
whatev. don't judge me.

it's hard to try and think about what's new when i've already talked to paige for an hour today i can't fully remember what's new anymore. haha.

uh.. let's see.
bullet points, yes? so what.. life, love, work and God? let's go from there.

LIFE:

solid.
soon to be changing. more on this development in the God section.
busy. i feel like i'm constantly at work, and that's not necessarily bad seeing as i have some pretty awesome paychecks.
ever seen Turner and Hooch? Well, the family got a dog. Her name is Cadence, or Cadi, and she's a spitfire. Mom just yelled from the other room, "why is your underwear in the middle of the floor? ... and here's another ... and a sock...?" i grabbed them, looked at Cadi and said "THESE ARE NOT YOUR THINGS." seriously. we had a moment. she's kind of a butt sometimes, haha. but i loves herrrrrr.

LOVE:

broke up with ben. end of story.
Jesus. Jesus. and more Jesus.
oreos. totally against my code of eating conduct, but MAN I LOVE OREOS.
fall. fall. fall. it's SO on its way.
hugs. from certain people. certain people that never give hugs, but gave me one out of his own accord. i said to him, "i've been waiting for that hug for six months" and man, if it wasn't true.

WORK:

busy. see the God section for more details.

GOD:

SO AWESOME.
i think i'm being called to ihop. my next goal is to talk to matt and find out where he thinks i'll be best suited. if my sister gets the job down there, it'll be nice to have her around, too. but it was *SO* intense the last time i was there. God and i had a long chat. it's weird... if a week ago you asked me what God's voice sounded like, i'd say "iunno." ask me now. 'cause i can tell you.
when i said in passing to dr. rall that the next time i go to ihop i might not come back he almost sounded like he would be upset with me if i didn't go there. ha. just that night prior, i asked God for a confirmation if i was supposed to go. having your boss tell you that you should quit working there and go to another place is pretty solid if you ask me.

so, i know this was supposed to be a better blog than this, but it's hard.
i was working late and my mind is mush. bleh bleh.
anyway, that's all.
(sorry it's so lame.)

Scrappin' and Yellin' and Mixin' it up

it's a christmas miracle!

so good.

and that's why.

there you go, paigers.

my life, thus far.

update on goals..

late night conversations.

so this is the new year..

i've been begging God to give me the gift of hindsight.

oh me, oh life.

o.O

[repost from tumblr] to everyone. love, my heart.

help.

a few things.

oh, nbd.

randomosity.

oh, how he loves us so.

checkin' in!

what a friend we have in Jesus.

opportunity came knocking.

doubtful.

oh, man.

sleepy doesn't even begin to describe it.

it's been awhile..

ha.

happiness is...

ahaha.

fuel for fire.

this is my life. :)

♫

♫

oh. funny.

dear family & friends,

*sigh*.

i'm not okay.

help.

ow.

hello, from ihop-kc!

the One who loves you, makes you real.

it only ends once.

uh..

could you muster at least a hello?

here's hoping!

real progress. really.

and now, a word from our sponsors.

So now what? : Overwhelmed, Underwhelmed and just Whelmed.

So now what? : Plugging yourself back in.

So now what? : getting motivated.

untitled.

oh, and i forgot..

oh, and...

update.

stay positive! positive, positive, positive!

sunday goal, part 3: where are we now?

sunday goal, part 2: a simple check-in.

sunday goal: productivity!

blame it on the pop.

oh, and this just in.

a checklist.

#hahawoo.

it's not jealousy...

things that play in my head.

oh, also.

wooooooo. long week.

10,000 watts.

goodness sakes!

this is the new year.

remind me i said this later when i'm whining like a baby..

105 things i like about you. [spencer.]

nine days.

worst day ever.

hooray for proper boyfriends!

such amazing, good news!

snow day.

meet spencer.

news! news! news!

a few things.

i love my life.

and some days...

sigh.